Yours Truly ...

Victoria Justice ~ You're The reason

2012-01-30T11:51:00.003+08:00

I don't want to make a scene
I don't want to let you down
Try to do my own thing
And I'm starting to figure it out
That it's alright
Keep it together wherever we go
And it's alright, oh well, whatever
Everybody needs to know

[Chorus:]
You might be crazy
Have I told you lately that I love you?
You're the only reason that I'm not afraid to fly
And it's crazy that someone could change me
Now no matter what it is I have to do, I'm not afraid to try
And you need to know that you're the reason why

I don't even care when they say
You're a little bit off
Look me in the eye, I say
I could never get enough
'Cause it's alright
Keep it together wherever we go
And it's alright, oh well, whatever
Everybody needs to know

[Chorus]

If it was raining, you would yell at the sun
Pick up the pieces when the damage is done
You say it's just another day in the shade
But look at what a mess we made

[Chorus 2x]

Mayumi Itsuwa ~ Kokoro No Tomo ( Teman Hati / Kekasih Hati )

2012-01-30T11:46:00.004+08:00

Anata Kara Kurushimi O Ubaeta Sono Toki
Watashi Nimo Ikiteyuku Yuuki Nga Waite Kuru
Anata To Deau Made Wa Kodoku Na Sasurai-Bito
Sono Te No Nukumori O Kanji Sasete

Ai Wa Itsumo Rarabai
Tabi Ni Tsukareta Toki
Tada Kokoro No Tomo To
Watashi O Yonde

Shinjiau Kotoro Sae Dokoka Ni Wasurete
Hito Wa Naze Su'ngita Hi No Shiawase Oikakeru
Shisuka Ni Mabuta Tojite Kokoro No Doa O Hiraki
Watashi O Tsukandara Namida Huite

Ai Wa Itsumo Rarabai
Anata Nga Yowai Toki
Tada Kokoro No Tomo To
Watashi O Yonde

Ai Wa Itsumo Rarabai
Tabi Ni Tsukareta Toki
Tada Kokoro No Tomo To
Watashi O Yonde

Teman Hati (Kekasih hati)

Kala itu mampu kulepaskan kepedihan dari hatimu
Semangatku pun bergelora menapaki jalan hidup ini
Sebelum bersua denganmu, kesepian aku berkelana
Biar kurasakan hangatnya jemarimu

Cinta senantiasa meninabobokkan
Tatkala lelah dalam perjalanan
Ingatlah diriku sebagai teman hati

Bahkan hati yang saling percaya terlupa entah di mana
Mengapa orang-orang mengejar kebahagiaan yang telah berlalu
Pejamkan matamu perlahan dan singkapkan jendela hatimu
Raih tanganku dan usap air matamu

Cinta senantiasa meninabobokkan
Tatkala lelah dalam perjalanan
Ingatlah diriku sebagai teman hati

The Pursuit of Happiness - Quotes Album / January 2012

2012-01-17T09:18:00.007+08:00

He who has a WHY to live for,
can bear almost any HOW.
~ Friedrich Nietzsche

Yours Fucking TRULY,
MATAHARI

P.S. NO APPOLOGIES :)

Don Omar ~ Virtual Diva

2012-01-16T09:05:00.004+08:00

Spanish

Virtual Diva

D..D..D !!!

D-O....

DIESEL!!!

ICON! ! !

Ella es ese sueño
Que tube despierto
Un recuerdo leve
De esto que siento
Una sacudida
A mis salidas
La cima de un beso en un brinco suicida
Su fuente de energia
cautiva mis sensores
Pues no hay que la controle
Cuando baila encendia

Tiene dentro esa chispa
que quema transistores
Bebe de un elipsi
Que enciende sus motores

[CORO]
Salio a la disco bailar
Una diva virtual

Chequea como se menea

UUUUUUU

Chequea como se menea

UUUUUUUuuuuuUUUU!!

Chequea como se menea

Tiene algo de robot en su tactica
Me agoto la bateria en su tecnica
Su modelo vino con cintura plastica
Con lo movimiento de la mujer bionica

SHE'S ON FIREEEEEE!!!

TA ENCENDIA!
CON LA SANGRE HIGH PRENDIA!
HOY NO QUIERE VER LA LUZ DEL DIA!
NO TRAJO BRUJULA, EsTA NOCHE ANDA PERDIA!
SU SITEMA SEDUCTIVO CALENTANDOSE
MIENTRAS QUE SU FRECUENCIA ESTA SIENTIENDOCE!
SU FLUIDO CORPORALE DEPORTANDOCE
ROBOTICA EN LA PISTA TA LUCIENDOCE!

[CORO]
Salio a la disco bailar
Una diva virtual

Chequea como se menea

UUUUUUU

Chequea como se menea

UUUUUUUuuuuuUUUU!!

Chequea como se menea

Tiene algo de robot en su tactica
Me agoto la bateria en su tecnica
Su modelo vino con cintura plastica
Con lo movimiento de la mujer bionica (2X)

Diesel!!

UUUUUUUU

Chequea como se menea

Tiene dentro esa chispa
que quema transistores
bebe de un elipsi
Que ensiende sus motores

[CORO]
Salio a la disco bailar
Una diva virtual

Chequea como se menea
(Sencillo)
UUUUUUU

Chequea como se menea

UUUUUUUuuuuuUUUU!!

Chequea como se menea

D D D DO!

DIESEL

Sencillo, tamo trabajando por encima de sus expectativas

De eso se trata !

Algunos años luz ante que todos ustedes, siempre voy a vivir ahi.

No mires pa mi galaxia.

English

Virtual Diva

D..D..D !!!

D-O....

DIESEL!!!

ICON! ! !

She's that sleep
That I had while I was awake
A light memory
Of this I feel
One jolt
To my outsides
The peak of a kiss at the brink of suicide
Your fountain of energy
captures my senses
Well there isn't anything that can control you
When you dance passionately

You have that spark inside you
that burns up radios
Child of a spark plug
That ignites your motors

[I RUN]
Went to the disco dance
A virtual diva

Look how she moves

UUUUUUU

Look how she moves

UUUUUUUuuuuuUUUU!!

Look how she moves

She has something like that of a robot in her tactics
I use up the battery in her technology
He model came with a plastic waist
With the movement of a bionic woman

SHE'S ON FIREEEEEE!!!

SHE'S ON FIRE!
WITH HER BLOOD TURNED ON HIGH!
TODAY DON'T WANT TO SEE THE LIGHT OF DAY!
DIDN'T BRING A COMPASS, THIS NIGHT SHE'S LOST!
HER SEDUCTIVE SYSTEM HEATING UP
WHILE HER FREQUENCY SITS!
HER CORPORALE FLUID LEAVING
ROBOT ON THE PATH TO LIGHTING HERSELF!!

[I RUN]
Went to the disco dance
A virtual diva

Look how she moves

UUUUUUU

Look how she moves

UUUUUUUuuuuuUUUU!!

Look how she moves
She has something like that of a robot in her tactics
I use up the battery in her technology
He model came with a plastic waist
With the movement of a bionic woman (x2)

Diesel!

UUUUUUU

Look how she moves

You have that spark inside you
that burns up radios
Child of a spark plug
That ignites your motors

[I RUN]
Went to the disco dance
A virtual diva

Look how she moves
(Silence)
UUUUUUU

Look how she moves

UUUUUUUuuuuuUUUU!!

Look how she moves

D D D DO!

DIESEL

Silence, the fluff working beyond your expectations

That's how you treat!

Some years of light before all of you, always will i live here.

Don't look for me in the galaxy.

Don Omar ~ T.A.B.O.O

2012-01-16T08:46:00.005+08:00

Spanish

Taboo (la lambada)

Bahía Azul!
el roce de los cuerpos al ritmo de la musica
A & X!
Taboo!
(Calor!)
Anda Depresivaaa !
(Pasión!)
No llores por él!
(No llores por él!)

Llorando se fue la que un día me hizo llorar
Llorando se fue la que un día me hizo llorar
Llorando estará recordando el amor
Que un día no supo cuidar (hay loba!)
Llorando estará recordando el amor
Que un día no supo cuidar (Brasil!)

A recordação vai com onde eu vou
A recordação vai estar pra sempre onde eu vou
Dança, sol ei mar guardarei in ollar
O amor vais quereir encontrar
Lambando estarei ao lembrare que este amor
Por um dia um instante por ley

Soca en San Pablo de noche, la luna, las estrellas
La playa, la arena para olvidarme de ella
una sirena que dicen
que esta tomando el sol
Uh! Oh-Oh!
Un cuerpo que pide a gritos
Samba y calor
Uh! Ohi oh!

Mi nena, menea!
Una cintura prendida en candela
Mi nena, menea!
No se cansa
Mi nena, menea!
Bailando así
Mi nena, menea!
Ron da fao, ron da fao
Mi nena, menea!
Matadora!
Mi nena, menea!

Vela de la favela
Vela de la favela
Vela de la favela

Bahía Azul!
A & X!

A recordação vai com onde eu vou
(vai estar con ella a onde voy)
A recordação vai estar pra sempre onde eu vou
Dança, sol ei mar guardare in ollar
O amor vais querer va encontrar
Lambando estarei ao lembrare que este amor
Por um dia um instante por ley

Mi nena, menea!
Una cintura prendida en candela
Mi nena, menea!
No se cansa
Mi nena, menea!
Bailando así
Mi nena, menea!
Ron da fao, ron da fao
Mi nena, menea!
La luna, las estrellas
Mi nena, menea!
Taboo!
Mi nena, menea!
La playa, la arena
Mi nena, menea!
Bahía Azul!
A & X!
Andáte en Brasilia!
No llores por él!

English

Taboo

Blue Bay!
the rustle of bodies to the beat of music
A & X!
Taboo!
(heat!)
she goes depressive !
(Passión!)
Don't cry for him!
(Don't cry for him!)

crying went the one who one day made me mourn
crying went the one who one day made me mourn
Crying she will be remembering the love that one day didn't know how to take care (ay wolf!)
Crying will be remembering the love
that one day didn't know how to take care (Brazil!)

The memory goes with me where I go
the memory will be always where I go
dance , the sun ,the sea , will keep to look
you'll want find a love
lambando you'll remember this love
for a day an instant by law

alone in St. Paul the night, the moon, stars
The beach, sand to forget her
a siren that they say
is taking the sun
Uh! Oh-Oh!
a body asking to shout
samba and heat
Uh! Ohi oh!

My baby, wiggles!
a waist turning in candle
my baby, wiggles!
no tired
My baby, wiggles!
dancing thus
My baby, wiggles!
Ron da fao, fao da rum
My baby, wiggles!
murderess!
My baby, wiggles!

watches over the slum
watches over the slum
watches over the slum

Blue Bay!
A & X!
crying went the one who one day made me mourn
crying went the one who one day made me mourn
Crying will be remembering the love
that one day didn't know to take care ( hay wolf !)
Crying will be remembering the love
that one day didn't know how to take care (Brazil!)

the memory goes with me to where I go
(she goes will be with me to where I go)
the memory will be for always to where I go
Dance, the sun , the sea , will keep to look
a love want to find
lambando you'll remember that love
for a day 1 instant for law

alone in St. Paul ,the night, moon, stars
The beach , the sand to forget her
a siren that they say
is taking the sun
Uh! Oh-Oh!
a body asking to shout
samba and heat
Uh! Ohi oh!

My baby, wiggles!
a candle burning in waist
My baby, wiggles!
dosen't tired
My baby, wiggles!
dancing so
My baby, wiggles!
Ron da fao, rom da fao
My baby, wiggles!
The moon, stars
My baby, wiggles!
Taboo!
My baby, wiggles!
The beach, sand
My baby, wiggles!
Blue Bay!
A & X!
going in Brasilia!
Don't cry for him!

Album - The Pursuit of Happiness

2012-01-14T13:05:00.001+08:00

Princess :
[Day 1, Dec 16th]
Dear God, let there be enough love in this world for everyone to last a life time.
You have created EVE from the left ribs of ADAM,
NOT from his head to be above him
NOR from his feet to be his subordinate
but from his ribs to stand by his side....
as his other half in life...
next to his arm, so he will protect her...
next to his heart, so he will love her...

Babyface - When Your Body Gets Weak

Babyface - Two Occassions

Babyface - Nobody Knows It But Me

Babyface - Everytime I Close My Eyes

*********************************************************

Princess : it's World's Blues Day - Mr DJ ;) play that blues number, hit it!

Wish i could sing with Beyonce's voice intensity....now this is passion all the way baby ;)

Wish i could someone to dance with now...huuhuu

***************************************************************************

Princess : [Day 2, Dec 17th]
Dear God,
I'm grateful for the rain that you gave us,
yesterday and today
it washes all our misery and hurt away..
I miss my Sunshine tho
come out please
so the grass will look vibrant green again...

Sighhhh......

Never been a fan of Justin bieber but this song lyrics, I'm willing to make an exceptional :) (Like his song, Never say Never)

******************************************************************************

Princess : [Day 3, Dec 18th]
Dear God, I just ask for a sunny sunday for this weekend...
so some of the family out there can spend some quality sunday together,
under the sun.
Oh P.S. God, thank you for the sunny afternoon yesterday :)
You make me really HAPPY, I Love You God HUGSSS!

****************************************************************************************

Princess : [Day 4, Dec 19th]
Dear God, I'm really grateful for the beautiful Sunshine on Sunday :D
Words cannot describe how fun it was with my nephews and my best friend, THANK YOU!
For now, i just hope i can stand straight at the kopitiam as i havent slept the whole night, for motivating another best friend of mine.
Thank you for showing me that i can be strong again
as, there are others who needs me to stand firmly on the ground
so i can pursue my real purpose in life.
To light those darkness away...

*************************************************************************************

Princess : [Day 5, Dec 20th]
Dear God,
I'm really grateful for the beautiful Sunshine the whole day yesterday :D
THANK YOU!
And for the most peaceful sleep in years last night.
Thank you for showing me that i can be strong again
I am ready to shine again :D

Spiritual Love :
When I think about the day that we first met
I remember feeling secure
Now everytime the sun rises and the sun sets
I know anything will endure

just to feel our hearts beating together
No other way to explain
Cause we have a

Chorus:
spiritual Love
That last for a lifetime
Feel like we been born again
Every moment we share
nothing can compare
to the happiness of spiritual love
Spiritual love

I never knew life could be so
so complete
with just one look in your eye, eyes
No one else has ever made me feel unique
with no strings or compromise
We're inseparable only to find
we're groming closer through time

(Chorus:)

(spiritual love) That has no boundries
(spiritual love) That knows no defeat
you are my inspiration
with you I am complete

(Chorus:)

______________________________________________________________________________

Walauwehh!!!! Lama didnt hear this :D WEEEEEEEEEEEE! Reminiscing the late nite chat :D

This song makes me wanna slow dancing on the street.....

My very own Cordy Roy Dog :D . Ugly and adorable just the way i loike it heeeee!

**************************************************************************************

Princess : [Day 6, Dec 21st]
Dear God,
I'm really grateful again for the beautiful Sunshine the whole day yesterday :D
and for being able to enjoy 2 kg of rambutan, and for that ugly light blue Cordy Roy Dog...I love it God, THANK YOU!
And for the second most peaceful sleep in years last night.
Thank you for showing me that i can be strong again
I am ready to shine again today :D

You know who you are :) Mon Cherie...
no matter how... like Alicia Keys' song 'Distance & Time'
learn to BREATHE and SMILE, sweetheart...
because I'll be here with you.
'There's no me without you' - Toni Braxton....
because there must be a reason why i'm still breathing today
and the reason is You. :)
every heart beat on our left chest
I'm there
Until It Beats No More - Jennifer Lopez.

Look Sharp / Live Well / Success is in OUR Hands!

So now, you've got a reason to smile :)
Remember, until it beats no more.....
Yours Truly, Baby Matahari :*

For everybody's listening pleasure, the Malaysian Radio version sucks!

nah ambik korang lol, remake but superbly done ;)

Another one tastefully remaked ;)

_________________________________________________________________________________________

I can't believe that all these years that i've been listening to all my type of songs was actually preparing me for this one moment. Someone used to called me PATHETIC for listening to those soulful song with meaningful lyrics, guessed i should say 'who's laughing now'?

Listen: There are people like me out there, MELANCHOLY PEOPLE... among all the 'normal people' like you claimed yourself normal (the one who knows how to hide one's feeling infront of others) but baby :) normal is when you cry when you're sad, you laugh when you're happy and it's not a bad thing at all. At least i don't pretend to be someone i'm not. Called it 'emotionally fucked up' but baby, you don't know what it takes to be in my shoes. I didn't asked to be born this way. I never asked to be MELANCHOLY to my bone...this is how my system works, I know there's a flaw in loving a person like me but that's how history is made. If it's too easy or too perfect there's no 'ummmph' isn't it?

True Love, the one that last a life time... and the one that make history is like drinking a cup of EXPRESSO...bitter, strong and the after taste and after effect will last you a long time. It is never served in a big cup...because it's the QUALITY that counts and NOT the QUANTITY of how many cups you take to be awake. Too much of EXPRESSO will be bad for those who're not into HARDCORE coffee. :)

Splendid Evening to all the EXPRESSO LOVER :) cheers!

********************************************************************************

Princess : [Day 7, Dec 22nd]
Dear God,
I'm really grateful again for the beautiful Sunshine the whole day yesterday :D
and for being able to enjoy a few pieces of chocolate, and for that ugly light blue Cordy Roy Dog...I love it God, THANK YOU!
And for the third most peaceful sleep in years last night.
Now, I am ready to shine ! :D

Trust Yourself,
to those people who love to see you fall flat on your face
Never ever give them that satisfaction :)
Even when you fall down,
pick yourself up and MOVE ON!
" If you're going thru HELL, KEEP MOVING!
Yours Truly,
Matahari

*******************************************************************************
*******************************************************************************

MISS YOU Song List.

P.S. This one's from the heart :(

P.S. Get that guitar and put it to good use ;)

Look Sharp / Live Well / Same Here :(

**************************************************************************

Princess:
Dear God,
Today i feel like i am back on the driver seat :D Again.
Thank You God for being with me during those difficult time.
And also for giving me those signs,
even it's a small signs but it's enough for me
to hang on tight to it.
Thank You God, even if it's not with me
at least this life time i felt it.♥

Look Sharp / Live Well / Who say i forgot ;)

P.S Courtesy from my "best Bro in law".. Thanks Abg :) You're the best!
Look Sharp / Live Well / I do believe in those love songs :)

P.S Another courtesy from my "Best Bro in Law".. Thanks again Abg :) You're the best!
Look Sharp / Live Well / Goodbye doesn't mean we'll never be together again :)

Look Sharp / Live Well / :) I'm just going to celebrate this, tired of fighting it :)

P.S Remember when i told you, i'm looking for a MUSE? I found him, You're the inspiration :)

P.S. Slightly delusional at this point LOL.... but like i said, I am celebrating it!

P.S. Nothing is Impossible :) New York baby, If you can make it there...you'll make it anywhere :*

Come dance with me :) .... I WANT YOUUUUUUUUU, BABYYYYY!

Yours Truly..
Baby Matahari

Shankar Mahadevan ~ Der Lagi Lekin

2012-01-13T00:40:00.004+08:00

Der lagi lekin maine ab hai jeena seekh liya
Jaise bhi ho'n din maine ab hai jeena seekh liya
Ab maine ye jaana hai, khushi hai kya, gham kya..
Dono hi, do pal ki hai ruttein
Na yeh thehre na rukein
Zindagi do rangon se bane
Ab roothe, ab mane
Yehi toh hai, yehi toh hai, yahaan

It took time, but I learnt to live,
however be the days, I have learnt to live,
now I have known this, what's happiness and what's sorrow
both are weathers of two moments
neither they wait nor stay
life gets made of two colors,
now angry, now placated,
this, this is here..

Der lagi lekin maine ab hai jeena seekh liya
Aansuon ke bin maine ab hai jeena seekh liya
Ab maine, Yeh jaana hai kise kahoon apna
Hai koi, jo yeh mujh se keh gaya
Yeh kahaan tu reh gaya
Zindagi toh hai jaise kaarvan
Tu hai tanha kab yahaan
Sabhi toh hai, sabhi toh hai yahaan

It took time, but I learnt to live,
Without tears, I have learnt to live
Now I have known whom to call mine
there is someone, who has told me
where have you been left,
life is like a convoy,
when are you alone here (you never are)
everything, everything is here..

Koi sunaaye jo hansti muskurati kahani
Kehta hai dil, main bhi sunoon,
Aansoo mein moti ho jo kisi ke nishani
Kehta hai dil, main bhi chunoon
Baahein dil ki ho baahon mein hi, chalta
chalun yunhi raahon mein
Bus yunhi, ab yahaan, ab wahaan

when someone tells a happy, cheerful story,
my heart says, I'd listen too,
If there are pearls in tears, someone's souvenir,
my heart says, I'd pick too..
I should be embracing my love only,
I should be walking just like that in the paths,
just like that.. now here, now there...

Yours Truly,
Baby Matahari

Alyssa Mendonça, Mohit Chauhan ~ Khwabon Ke Parindey

2012-01-12T23:55:00.004+08:00

Udein, khule aasaman mein khwabon ke parindey
Udein, dil ke jahaan main khaabon ke parinday
Oho, kya pata, jaayenge kahaan
Khule hain jo par, kahe yeh nazar
Lagta hai ab hain jaage hum
Fikrein jo thi, peechhe reh gayi
Nikle unse aage hum
Hawaon mein beh rahi hai zindagi
Yeh hum se keh rahi hai zindagi
Oho.. ab to, jo bhi ho so ho..

In the open sky, fly the birds of dreams
In the land of heart, fly the birds of dreams
o, who knows, where shall (they) go
now that the wings are open, the sight says (eyes say)
it seems we have woken up now
worries that were there, have been left behind,
we have come ahead of them,
life is flowing in the winds,
life is saying this to us,
now, whatever happens, let it be..

Ude, khule aasaman mein khwabon ke parindey
Ude, dil ke jahaan mein khwabon ke parindey
Oho, kya pata, jayenge kahaan
Kisi ne chhua toh yeh hua
Phirte hain mehke mehke hum
Khoye hain kahin baatein nayi
Jab hain aise behke hum
Hua hai yoon ke dil pighal gaye
Bas ek pal mein hum badal gaye
Oho.. ab to, jo bhi ho so ho..

In the open sky, fly the birds of dreams
In the land of heart, fly the birds of dreams
o, who knows, where shall (they) go
when someone touched it happened
I roam around scented,
I am lost somewhere, there are new things happening,
so intoxicated I seem to be,
it has so happened that hearts have melted,
in a moment I (OR we) have changed
O.. whatever happens now...

Roshni mili
Ab raah mein hai ek dilkashi si barsi
Har khushi mili
Ab zindagi pe hai zindagi si barsi
Ab jeena hum ne seekha hai
Yaad hai kal, aaya tha wo pal
Jisme jaadoo aisa tha
Hum ho gaye jaise naye
Woh kal jaane kaisa tha
Kahe yeh dil ki jaa udhar hi tu
Jahan bhi leke jaaye aarzoo
Oho, ab toh...
Jo bhi ho so ho..

(I) got light,
now such a charm has rained in the paths,
got every happiness,
now a life (liveliness) has rained upon life,
now I (/we) have learn to live,
I remember yesterday, when that moment came,
which had such magic,
I became like-new,
how was that yesterday,
heart says go that way only
wherever your wish takes you,
now,
whatever happens

Yours Truly..
Baby Matahari

Agnee ~ Aahatein Ho Rahi Teri

2012-01-12T20:54:00.013+08:00

I can hear your footsteps on my heart's doorstep.
Aahatein, Ho Rahin Teri, Dil Ke Dar Pe Mere,

I'm sure you are here somewhere.
Tu Yahin Hai Kahin Na Kahin

I can hear your footsteps on my heart's doorstep.
Aahatein, Ho Rahin Teri, Dil Ke Dar Pe Mere,

I'm sure you are here somewhere.
Tu Yahin Hai Kahin

Sometimes, like my dream;
Kabhi Mere Khwab Sa,

Sometimes, like an entangled/complicated answer;
Kabhi Uljhe Jawaab Sa,

Like scars on the moon;
Ke Chanda Mein Bhi Daag Sa,

You are same as me.
Mere Jaisa Tu

Like the shore of a stream;
Ke Dariya Ka Ho Ik Sira,

Like non-stop desires;
Ke Armaanon Ka Silsila,

Like water in a desert;
Ke Sehra Mein Bhi Aab Sa,

You are same as me.
Mere Jaisa Tu

I can hear your footsteps on my heart's doorstep.
Aahatein, Ho Rahin Teri, Dil Ke Dar Pe Mere,

I'm sure you are here somewhere.
Tu Yahin Hai Kahin Na Kahin

Why don't you believe that I'm yours?
Tera Hoon Main, Tujhe Kyon Na Yaqeen Hai,

What short-comings are there in my love?
Chaahat Mein Mere Aakhir Kya Kami Hai

You are my reason to live.
Tujhme Hi Toh Chhupi Meri Khudi Hai,

Let's say it amounts to nothing.
Meri Khudi Kuch Na Sahi, Kuch Na Sahi, Kuch Na Sahi

I can hear your footsteps on my heart's doorstep.
Aahatein, Ho Rahin Teri, Dil Ke Dar Pe Mere,

I'm sure you are here somewhere.
Tu Yahin Hai Kahin

Sometimes, like my dream;
Kabhi Mere Khwab Sa,

Sometimes, like an entangled/complicated answer;
Kabhi Uljhe Jawaab Sa,

Like scars on the moon;
Ke Chanda Mein Bhi Daag Sa,

You are same as me.
Mere Jaisa Tu

Like the shore of a stream;
Ke Tu Hi Dariya Ka Hai Ik Sira,

Like non-stop desires;
Ke Armaanon Ka Silsila,

Like water in a desert;
Ke Sehra Mein Bhi Aab Sa,

You are same as me.
Mere Jaisa Tu

I can hear your footsteps on my heart's doorstep.
Aahatein, Ho Rahin Teri, Dil Ke Dar Pe Mere,

I'm sure you are here somewhere.
Tu Yahin Hai Kahin Na Kahin

Yours Truly,
Baby Matahari.

NUMB

2011-12-16T02:35:00.006+08:00

I can't sleep!

I wish I could write a play and tell the whole world my story exactly like it is. Tonight, i feel like half of me is dead. Called it drama, i don't care.

Have you ever felt that you're at the right time and at the right place? Even if it's on the oddest place to even imagined it?

Have you ever felt that even by doing the right thing, it felt so wrong? And it's not supposed to be that way?

Well that was my story, a place and time that only i know exist...only i know it's real and only i know.

If i were to describe the whole experience in my own word, i should say... finally i have dived into the unknown and felt what sunk in meant. "Drowned in my own tears as what Bon Jovi
put it in his song, "I'll Be There For You"

Dear God, i am grateful for the time that you have permit me to be with that beautiful soul...i am grateful that You have given me a chance to tell that beautiful soul that I exist... I am grateful that You granted me my wish on how it taste to be in that Once in A Life Time Love feeling...

Yours Truly,
Lifeless Matahari.

December 2011

2011-12-06T01:33:00.005+08:00

At this moment, i am writing, at the same time smiling watching my nephew (Abbey) sleeping and snoring loudly. It does not bother me at all.

This school holiday, i felt privileged...truly honored for being given a chance to be his "Surrogate Mum". You guys must be wondering, why?

Honestly, i am NEVER a big fan when it comes to "baby sitting". Yes, I do like looking at those big eyes, the two small set of front teeth...and i extremely love hearing the honest baby giggles...it's priceless...i just don't like the part of trying to calm a cranky baby, because i don't know what they want exactly.

It scares the hell out of me whenever they accidently make that wrong turn and bumped their head somewhere, or swallowed any foreign object which they are not supposed to and end up having tummy ache and what not.....sighhhh

Luckily, my nephew (Abbey) now is 14 years old. When i hear his voice recently over the phone after haven't been hearing him for almost 6 months...i got a shock! His voice now becoming deeper and huskier....and my God, he got pimples!

I enjoy my day today with my nephew, where i get to spend some quality time with him and explain slowly to him of the process of transformation from a little boy to being a teenager boy.

Boy, I was so happy! At least those Parenting seminar which i attended some years back, comes in handy. Of course i add a little "Matahari's touch", so next time when they get to sit down with their kids they can do better than what i did.

I was explaining to my nephew about why my approach to both of them are different, compared to his mom's side of the family. That i was so use to growing up without having a father figure, and so does his daddy. We actually don't know what an actual daddy should behave or how an actual mum should behave infront of his/her kids.

So i will just be his friend, instead of being that old aunt. I told him, i don't believe in setting too many rules and regulations on how he should behave infront of me ... all i asked is to think and always put himself in others shoes first before he does something.

I was so glad that this school holiday, he called me despite what happened between my mum and his mum.... he chooses to be with me despite of all the restrictions set by his mom side of grandparents.

He chooses to be with me. Just that, full stop. (Smiling and teary at the same time...sighhhh Drama Queen..LOL)

Honestly i get a little emotional over small things like this...for me, is the thought that counts. At first, i kinda find it a little annoying when he non stop asking me about a lot of things....slowly as i observed him... it hit me, he was actually trying his very best of getting my attention.

I don't know why, ever since he was a baby...i felt a special bond with this little guy. I kinda felt it whenever he's in trouble or simply whenever he misses me...i simply have a thought of him and ....i will surely hear it from his mom.

Guessed i found myself a guy after all huh ;) LOL..... Unconditional Love, as... despite me being a terrible "Surrogate Mum" , the unorthodox way of taking care of a child, he chooses to be with me. :)

I think i can sleep now, probably go outside the balcony for a smoke first then off to bed....Buenos noche Peeps ;)

Yours Truly,
Mama Princess :D !

Maxwell ~ Whenever, Wherever, Whatever

Can't Wait !!!!

2011-11-15T10:25:00.005+08:00

Dedicated To those Twilight Saga Fans.....

I'm with you ..... mind, body and soul...I'm so anxious, palm sweating and knee trembling waiting for the Breaking Dawn .....I leave you with one of the first movie theme song....I wonder where is that sexy werewolf, Jacob.....sighhhhh

Yours Truly,
Matahari "Swan" ;)

Iron & Wine ~ Flightless Bird, American Mouth

Motivated, Deep From Within.....FINALLY!

2011-11-01T01:45:00.006+08:00

Those days, i often wonder how does it felt to know that all the stars are aligned and all your wishes almost come true :)

Today, I am where i am supposed to be. At the right time, the right place, the exact spot...writing my blog and all i can say, Thank You God for always listening and for keeping me safe from harm.

In another 2 and a half hours i'm supposed to be at the market, for buying some fresh supply for my little cafe. And i felt all fresh and energized...probably because of listening too much of Charlie Wilson or Nicole Scherzinger :D

But who cares, they make me feel really good as if i'm laying next to a really gorgeous guy right now. (shhh....)

For now i just want to be in touch my long lost denial syndrome...it's been a while hehee...call me crazy, i just don't give a F***! Before i go further with my french :p i better share this with all of you....because we are all worth it!

For the worried, the stressed, the overwhelmed, the lonely, the displaced, the desperate, the sick, the heartbroken, the confused, the paralyzed, the angry, the lost, the human, I created and offer this meditation. My hope is that reading it, re-reading it when necessary, and passing it on to others will be a powerful and very positive intense experience for you.

I accept responsibility for my human being, because only I am responsible, but I take comfort in and rejoice that I am so much more.
As such:

I am not the circumstances around me.

Where I believe I can make a positive impact on the circumstances, I will try. Where I cannot change circumstances, I will accept that they are so, and how they impact my own circumstances is so. But I will not let them bring me down. Instead I will rise above them, as they are not me.

I am not my money.

And the gain and loss of my money is not me. I respect the good that money can help do, but I also recognize its limitations and how easily it can cause harm to others and to me. I will control my money to the best of my ability, but whether I gain or lose it, I will never let it take control of me.

I am not my possessions.

The material goods in my life include tools that can help me do and achieve things, and ornaments that can make me feel a certain way. But while I may choose to assign symbolic value to some of these things, I realize they are all still mere things, mere dust, but I am so much more.

I am not my job.

I may love the work I do, or my job may only be a stepping-stone, but either way it is still just something I do. It may nourish me, it may help others, but I am now and always will be far greater than the work that I do.

I am not my relationships.

Though they may be the nearest and dearest part of my human life, and though I seek to guide and learn from and share with and stand by them, in our humanness the people I love are not me. I am not the thoughts, hopes, desires, intentions, perceptions nor the actions of my spouse, children, parents, siblings, or friends. I cannot control their thoughts and choices, nor can they control mine. The only control I have is over me.

I am not my emotions.

I may feel joy, excitement, and other positive emotions, and I am grateful when I do. I may feel fear, anger and other challenging emotions, and I accept when I do. But because I am not my emotions, I know that only I have the power to let these emotions linger and influence my thoughts and actions, or to let go of the emotions so they do not.

I am not my actions.

But I am responsible for my actions. Where I have a choice of actions, I can only try my best to make the right choices. And where I make mistakes in my choices, I will acknowledge them, try to learn from them and forgive myself. And I will seek to atone for the impact of my mistakes on others, and seek their forgiveness.

I am not the actions of others that impact me.

I can hope their actions are done with the best of intentions, but I am not responsible if their actions are instead done out of envy, greed, anger, fear or other negative emotions. I am responsible for accepting if they are so, for trying my best to guide, and for forgiving and letting go if they are so. But I am not responsible that they are so.

I am not my body.

I am not my skin, blood and bones. I am not my fat, my baldness, my scars, or my illness. I am not my body’s desires. I am not my appearance. But I accept responsibility for controlling my body’s desires, and I accept responsibility for doing my best to respect my body, as it and it alone is what houses me in this human state.

I am not my genetics.

If a part of my human being is fixed and preordained, I accept both the gifts and challenges I have been given therein. But part of my human being is most certainly driven by choices, and so I will try my best using my wisdom and courage to make the best choices where I am able.

I am not my thoughts.

I recognize that my thoughts have the power to open doors or create barriers for me in this human form, and so I will do my best to manage the direction of my thoughts. But though their range and influence may seem immense, still they are only human thoughts, with human limits, whereas I am unlimited.

I am not my past.

Anything I have done or that has been done is done. I can choose to learn from it, I can choose to atone for it and seek forgiveness for it, and I can choose to cherish it. But I cannot change it, so I will not let it hold me. I will not let time hold me at all, as I am beyond that mere invention. The only moment to do and be is now, so now is where I am.

I am my spirit.

I am that which existed before, during and after this body, these events, these relations, and this place. That which exists beyond time and space.

In my flesh, my thoughts, my choices, my relations, my humanness, I am anything but perfect. But at my core, in my spirit, I am perfect. As we all are.

And though I cherish this human life, and this temporary body and family I am in, and I am committed to trying my best for all others and myself out of that love, I know I have nothing to lose.

Because I have been given the gift of this eternal spirit. Because I am my spirit.

I am pure, I am whole, I am God’s, I am the universe, I am grateful.

I am love.

And I have nothing to fear.

Everything is ultimately good.

And so it will be.

Yours Truly,

Princess Matahari

Charlie Wilson ~ There Goes My Baby

Nicole Scherzinger ft. Will.I.Am~ Baby Love

Writer's Block

2011-10-31T11:03:00.001+08:00

Who Am I Meant to Be?

2011-10-30T22:38:00.001+08:00

YOU ARE STRIVING TO BE IN CONTROL
You are a leader: You approach everything as though you were born to be in charge. Confident, assertive, and decisive, you know what you want and you go after it. You also look out for family, friends, and community—you feel you know what's best for them—and have no fear of confronting anyone who challenges your ideas. Taking the driver's seat, you also generously donate time and energy to people and neighborhood projects.

What to watch out for: When you feel threatened, or others refuse to go along with your agenda, you can become confrontational and domineering, sometimes to the point of being dictatorial. Practice letting someone else take charge on occasion. Also try meditation; it can help you be-come more aware of your controlling impulses and ease the anxiety that may be provoking them.

Looking ahead: You discover your purpose when you take control of your environment. For you, finding a decision-making role is key. That could mean anything from producing a play to spearheading a global campaign for something you care about. In work, you're suited for leadership positions in education, government, industry, finance, religious institutions, or politics. But you can find satisfaction anytime you're given the autonomy to do things your own way.

Find careers that match your striving style.

YOUR SCORES
Many people have two or three strong striving styles, and they can all be important in leading you to the person you are meant to be. If you have a few "highest" scores, read each matching description, and see what rings most true.

Striving to help: 15
Striving to be recognized: 15
Striving to be creative: 19
Striving to be spontaneous: 20
Striving to be knowledgeable: 18
Striving to be secure: 14
Striving to be in control: 20

STRIVING TO HELP
You scored: 15
You are a nurturer: You are caring and supportive in your personal relationships as well as in your job. Unselfish and altruistic by nature, you often anticipate the needs of those around you before they are aware of them. If there is one thing that brings you satisfaction, it's tending to others.

What to watch out for: When you're doing things for people only to feel valued, you can become resentful. And if you sense that your help is not appreciated, you may end up playing the martyr. So before giving your time to everyone else, make sure to take care of yourself (physically, emotionally, and spiritually). And practice waiting until someone asks for help: While you may be able to perceive what a person needs, that doesn't mean she wants you to attend to it.

Looking ahead: It's important for you to be genuinely of service in acknowledged ways. Whether you foster a child, care for an elderly aunt, rescue animals, or support a rock star's career as her personal assistant, look for opportunities where you can help other people or bigger causes. Volunteer work has your name written on it, as do many careers: nursing, teaching, customer service, healing, social work. Don't feel pressured to run the company or lead the project; you may be even more effective as someone's right hand. And you'll likely find working with other people more meaningful than flying solo.

Find careers that match your striving style.

From the October 2009 issue of O, The Oprah Magazine

Back to Top

STRIVING TO BE RECOGNIZED
You scored: 15
You are an achiever: Ambitious, competitive, and hardworking: That's you. With a clear image of who you are, you work tirelessly to make sure your accomplishments are recognized. Your drive for success extends to your family, and you invest a lot of energy in helping them live up to your expectations. Thanks to your knack for diplomacy and abundant charisma, you often inspire others.

What to watch out for: You are prone to becoming a workaholic, slaving away toward success while neglecting your personal life. Because you're driven to gain approval, you can find yourself performing for others like an actor; if you become overly concerned with your image, you end up feeling superficial. To keep your ambition under control, get involved in group activities that require cooperation. Also practice listening to those around you and think about sharing the spotlight from time to time.

Looking ahead: Any career that allows you to scale the ranks and gain recognition, status, even material rewards, lights you up. Actress, entrepreneur, salesperson, politician—you get the picture. And consider balancing your professional challenges with personal ones: Run a 10K, train for a triathlon, compete in a tennis tournament, bike from one end of your state to the other; or join a debate team, play in a poker circle, enter your purebred spaniel in a dog show. Whenever you can win at something, you're happy.

Find careers that match your striving style.

From the October 2009 issue of O, The Oprah Magazine

Back to Top

STRIVING TO BE CREATIVE
You scored: 19
You are an artist: You came out of the womb with a paintbrush in your hand. Or maybe it was a flute or a castanet or a fountain pen to go with your poet's imagination. The point is, you're an original, and you know it. Even if you don't have a singular gift, you're drawn to the arts—anything creative, for that matter—and you have a unique way of looking at the world. Your need for depth and authenticity in relationships can lead to both great joy and profound sorrow, depending on whether others reciprocate. You don't care so much about adapting to group or societal expectations; your independence and sharp intuition propel you on your own path.

What to watch out for: When fear of conformity overrides your creativity, you can assume the role of "outsider" or "orphan" and end up feeling alienated. You may even go so far as refusing to vote or pay taxes. This lone-wolf stance might be a defense against feeling vulnerable. Try to be aware that blaming others for your banishment, or pushing away those who want to get close, only makes things worse. Also, dramatizing your emotions can interfere with your creativity.

Looking ahead: As long as you genuinely express yourself, you feel like the person you were meant to be. How you do it is irrelevant. A chef or architect can be as much of an artist as a painter or sculptor. Many advertising and public relations executives are also highly imaginative. Beyond work, there are opportunities everywhere you look to coax out your inner artist: Design your own jewelry line, create an innovative blog, dream up a comic strip. Relationships are another avenue for self-expression.

Find careers that match your striving style.

From the October 2009 issue of O, The Oprah Magazine

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STRIVING TO BE SPONTANEOUS
You scored: 20
You are an adventurer: Action-oriented, curious, outgoing, and often technically gifted, you live for new experiences. You are drawn to risk-taking and aren't afraid to fail. Generally restless, you tend to job-hop or choose a field that offers constant novelty. If you had to name your favorite place, it might be the center of attention—you're a born entertainer, and can easily adapt to any audience. While you collect many acquaintances, you're less likely to develop deep, committed relationships.

What to watch out for: When you can't satisfy your thirst for variety and excitement, you may see yourself as trapped, which can lead to impulsive and self-destructive behavior—drinking, drugs, breaking off relationships, ditching financial responsibilities. Try to find value in some traditions; if you learn to appreciate repetitive experiences, you won't always feel the urge to bust free. And when a new opportunity thrills you, keep in mind that just because it sounds exciting, that doesn't mean it's good for you.

Looking ahead: Life will have meaning for you as long as you feel stimulated. That might mean chasing twisters, exploring the polar ice caps, getting a degree in dance therapy, or becoming an astronaut. It might also mean reading new books, attending workshops, or letting yourself get swept up in an intoxicating romance. As a risk-lover with a lot of energy, you're a natural entrepreneur. You'll be happiest if you change jobs every so often and travel extensively. Movement is what keeps you going.

Find careers that match your striving style.

From the October 2009 issue of O, The Oprah Magazine

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STRIVING TO BE KNOWLEDGEABLE
You scored: 18
You are an intellectual: As a leader, you're often ahead of your time. As an employee, you try to surpass the competence level of peers, even managers. Incisive and curious, you're driven to deeply understand how things work. But that's things, not people. Oh, your family and friends are important; it's just that you don't need to spend hours engaging with them. Social validation isn't your goal—you're secure enough in your cerebral pursuits.

What to watch out for: When you can't find a way to be the expert, you may withdraw or simply withhold information, which can make you seem smug or arrogant. If you feel yourself retreating into your own world, seek a friend's help to pull you back. Also balance your cerebral tendencies through physical activities like jogging, hiking, or dance.

Looking ahead: You discover who you are meant to be through accumulating insight and knowledge. So follow your curiosity. Are you drawn to learning Mandarin? Join-ing a philosophy society? Studying and practicing Buddhist meditation? Delving into the complexities of computer programming? Writing a historical book? Pursuits that place you near the leading edge of technology, science, psychology, academia, or business are good bets. But any situation that allows you to work independently with freedom to investigate and innovate will fuel your drive.

Find careers that match your striving style.

From the October 2009 issue of O, The Oprah Magazine

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STRIVING TO BE SECURE
You scored: 14
You are a stabilizer: You are the rock in a storm, the one others lean on. Loyal and com-mitted in your relationships, you maintain a support system of like-minded people whom you look out for. (So what if you do it behind the scenes and don't get credit?) You're careful with money, cherish the familiar, and defend the traditions you care about.

What to watch out for: Rapidly changing environments (like a shaky economy) are very hard for you. As a result of such instability, you can spiral into a state where everything seems catastrophic and you're sure life will only get worse. You can also become overcontrolling, rejecting any suggestion that doesn't conform to your idea of the way things should be. To avoid being too rigid, each month try changing one habit. Exper-iment with clothes, drive a different way to work, initiate conversations about subjects you wouldn't normally discuss. And when the opportunity arises to do something new, avoid the impulse to immediately say no—this may be nerve-racking, but the more you practice, the less anxious you'll feel.

Looking ahead: You find meaning in pursuing safety and certainty. Focusing on family can give you great satisfaction. Also consider planting a vegetable garden, hosting class reunions, volunteering as a lifeguard, teaching at your church or temple. In the work arena, look for positions where you're responsible for others, and for making sure everyone is following the rules. You work well in any environment that is stable and consistent. Careers in government, finance, the military, law enforcement, and product manufacturing are strong options for you.

Find careers that match your striving style.

From the October 2009 issue of O, The Oprah Magazine

Back to Top

STRIVING TO BE IN CONTROL
You scored: 20
You are a leader: You approach everything as though you were born to be in charge. Confident, assertive, and decisive, you know what you want and you go after it. You also look out for family, friends, and community—you feel you know what's best for them—and have no fear of confronting anyone who challenges your ideas. Taking the driver's seat, you also generously donate time and energy to people and neighborhood projects.

What to watch out for: When you feel threatened, or others refuse to go along with your agenda, you can become confrontational and domineering, sometimes to the point of being dictatorial. Practice letting someone else take charge on occasion. Also try meditation; it can help you be-come more aware of your controlling impulses and ease the anxiety that may be provoking them.

Looking ahead: You discover your purpose when you take control of your environment. For you, finding a decision-making role is key. That could mean anything from producing a play to spearheading a global campaign for something you care about. In work, you're suited for leadership positions in education, government, industry, finance, religious institutions, or politics. But you can find satisfaction anytime you're given the autonomy to do things your own way.

Find careers that match your striving style.

From the October 2009 issue of O, The Oprah Magazine

Gabrielle !

2011-10-29T11:41:00.005+08:00

Gabrielle ~ Give Me A Little More Time

Gabrielle ~ I Wish

Gabrielle ~ Every Little Teardrop

Poem: I Am Down, But I Will Rise Again

2011-10-28T18:35:00.004+08:00

I am down.

And that is okay.

I may be down for a while,

But I will rise again.

And when I rise,

I will rise higher

Than I’ve gone before,

I will be stronger

Than I’ve been before.

I will thrive.

I am down.

And that is okay.

I may be down for a while,

And not want to move forward.

But though it may be slowly,

I will move forward

To a better place

Than I was before.

The journey gets brighter

Ahead of me.

I am down.

And that is okay.

I may be down for a while.

But I will again rise.

And when I rise

I will rise higher

Than I’ve gone before,

And I will be stronger

Than I’ve been before.

There is great hope.

There is great love.

They are mine.

I will again fly free.

P.S. I borrowed this poem from a site, while browsing for inspiration. I hope it does lift up you spirit, as it does mine.

Yours Truly,
Princess Matahari

It's The Old Familiar Song

2011-10-22T09:45:00.003+08:00

Boyz II Men ~ First Love

What a beautiful saturday morning.....for someone so so far away....you're always be with me no matter where i go....

The One Recovering...Almost!

2011-09-10T09:32:00.002+08:00

Good or rather Beautiful Morning all :D

I was at a friend's Eid open house last night. As much as i hate to be in a big crowd, i survived last night's open house.

It took me a pair of Fake lashes, heavily smokeyed eyes, a box of Marlboro light, 2 helping of dinner and a plate of varieties layered cakes and some other traditional Eid's pastries....

Resulting of feeling really sick afterwards, :p but seriously....i'm just being me nothing more and nothing less. None the less, I survived! I didn't have to make up fake conversation, i just need to entertained my growling tummy and say hi and bye to the host and hostess :)

Could this be a new beginning for me to A NEW Me? Against my own fear of being in public? Let's find out...:D

Yours Truly,

Matahari with Fake lashes- Unleashed! LOL

Eat, Breathe, Pray!

2011-09-07T11:41:00.002+08:00

L.O.V.E , enough said ;)

Late Sunday Poetry

2011-09-04T22:54:00.000+08:00

Dear Me,
For no reason today,
I felt homesick to something or could it be someone?

Could this be the famous longing?
I don't know..
I feel awfully lonely
The loneliness is so painful
Where no one would be able to hear me even if i scream...

Nothing new about being depressed and helpless
But this?
I am yet trying to put a name to it

Dear Feeling,
Would you tell me your name?
If i do put the puzzles together..
Will you go away and find your place where you belong?

I am only those temporary shelter
For you to stay
Until you find your way home
Remember my loneliness...
I am not the one for you
Someone deserves you more than i do

A kiss for you my far away land

Tamia (Happy Listening, wherever you are)

2011-09-03T07:29:00.002+08:00

Similar to my last year's Eid Mubarak, this year I get to spent a few hours lunching instead of visiting my friends' houses.. with 2 of my favourite hang-out girls at Little Italy, a local italian restaurant in the centre of Sabah's capital city.

What's new this year? I can tell you my 'baju kurung' outfit which i bought last year (which i haven't use...haaa) and probably my lunch companion (last year was Joy..my ex colleague from previous work place). Which I'm beginning to think that this could be a new beginning of my very own Eid celebration tradition for me. Instead of wishing for my very own family to complete the traditional gathering picture, i'm certainly very happy that for two years now i'm settled with celebrating a quiet Eid (well let's hope my chinese new year is going to be merrier than my one man show Eid...crossing my fingers ), since i'm the only moslem in my family unit.

Don't get me wrong, i have my other family...relatives, cousins which invited me to visit their family, first day, second day, etc....but being in a crowd of people which i'm not used to and pretending to be interested, is very much like pouring oil into a pile of water...so to speak ;) Excuse my language but seriously, it makes my skin crawl to pretend that i'm really interested in a conversation which i know they're going to ask again and again everytime we meet...how many babies you have, where is your husband, etc....duh!

Those were the jackpot questions i try to avoid, because probably other may just put on a fake smile and try to be polite infront of others, afraid that people might judge them for a slight improper reaction...where i on the other hand is a walking time bomb waiting to explode any chance i get....to be honest, i'm not a rude person by nature but i do have my limit and when i say limit, i mean by all means explosive, uncontrollable defense mechanism which until today i tried very hard to master. Well at least i tried :)

Recently as per my other entry from my previous posts....yes a lot of things happen, friends get married, friends trying to patch things up with me or with family, a friend got beaten up by her boy friend, friend's boy friend had stroke, friend about to get divorce, friend discover that he/she got HIV positive, friend got new baby, mom decided to leave me for the probably 1001 times to teach me unlearned lessons( just because she doesn't know what i've been doing to help my other friends who's really in need), my beloved brother (who sometimes get corrupted over some sentimental issues)....etc, yeah all that lead to my own version of "Independent Eid Mubarak" this year.

I was actually planning to have an Eid celebration to bring two friends who've misunderstood each other, because of other people's gossip....two of my most beloved friends or rather one of them is my beloved niece. But probably God have His own plan this year, or probably they're not yet ready for it this year....that's why i think postponing the celebration this year is a wise idea.As i don't want them trying to have a fake conversation which i know how that must have felt for them, or worse come to worst, pulling each other's hair!

My wish is to see them patch things up and try to give each other a chance to understand what really happen and how did it started. I think they deserved a chance to clear their names and to put the whoever culprit behind all these forward and learned their lesson for misleading and for tarnishing other people's good name.

I know i only have two hands, but my two hands i would like to put it to good use, as... if i can only bring one thing to the world, let it be Peace, for those who have been misunderstood and misjudged by others.I know how it felt for trying so hard to be nice and still being treated as trash, for telling the whole truth and still being called a liar and for helping those ungrateful people who'll forget your name or your face soonest somebody from the higher ranking desides that the ungrateful person now belong to their society....and that's the truth, painful but yeah shit happens ( do excuse my french!) .

I may sound like i'm on a holy crusade or something, but trust me... nothing makes me feel really happy than seing the supposedly abandoned good hearted people get what they deserved most in life, a little bit kind of a cinderella story, ( which i got mine justified, thank you Fairy HOT daddy) and now probably this Cinderella can be promoted as the fairy HOT mama....to bring peace and love if it's not around the world, at least my surrounding :) Ahhh probably that's why my parents had choosen, Irene, as my first name. Which means Goddess of Peace in greek.

Today is the fifth day of Eid, and i'm listening to Keyshia Cole's, "I remember".... nothing to do with reminiscing the past, just love how the starting point of the song...smooth as butter :)

Have a beautiful 5th Eid Mubarak everyone, Remember (and i'm also reminding myself this) : You are not a soul, you are not a mind, you are not a body. You are the controller of all three. ~ Yogi Bhajan

Yours Truly,
(Goddess of Peace)

P.S.
1. Yeah yeah, i know i'm always in my denial syndrome mode, but what fun a life could be without friends like me ;) yeah you don't have to say it, I Love You guys too :*

2. for your listening pleasure, an MTV theme song (instrumental) forwarded by a far far away friend in a land where music and movies are like food for the soul...;)

To Whom It May Concerned

2011-08-19T01:17:00.003+08:00

Just when I thought :*&%$#&^%$#@@@@@@&**()*&^%$ !!!(Last nite's unspoken words...)

i was gonna write a really nasty blog entry last nite...i swear to God, but when i re-think about the whole idea, the losing person will be me. First of all because i let my emotion ruled my mind instead of me being the one controlling my mind and my emotion.

Recently about a week ago, (i guess i should change my middle name to comotion!!!) a lot of unexplainable (weird and bad) thing happened around me, which automatically affecting my life. Until this minute, i'm still trying to digest and trying to understand what went wrong or how did it happen suddenly.

So after giving it a good thought lastnite, i told myself that probably God wanted me to be tougher and decided to give a heavier challenge for me to face before giving me my best reward :)

At the moment, all i want is a long holiday from everything, if i can i want to take a long holiday from being me. How do you take a long holiday without being yourself? Logically you need your pasport with your picture on and you need your body with your face on to go for a trip, right?

I suddenly feel hungry, no offence to all the moslem out there, I'm just being me since it's my first year of becoming a moslem myself....i just do my best :) for now, i wanna go and myself a nice something to munch, i've got to get some glucose to my brain. To Be Continued.....

Too Beautiful To Ignore

2011-08-04T21:19:00.002+08:00

She jumped up as soon as she saw the surgeon come out of the operating room. She said: 'How is my little boy? Is he going to be all right? When can I see him?'

The surgeon said, 'I'm sorry. We did all we could, but your boy didn't make it.'

Sally said, 'Why do little children get cancer? Doesn't God care any more? Where were you, God, when my son needed you?'

The surgeon asked, 'Would you like some time alone with your son? One of the nurses will be out in a few minutes, before he's transported to the university.'

Sally asked the nurse to stay with her while she said good bye to son.. She ran her fingers lovingly through his thick red curly hair. 'Would you like a lock of his hair?' the nurse asked. Sally nodded yes. The nurse cut a lock of the boy's hair, put it in a plastic bag and handed it to Sal ly.

The mother said, 'It was Jimmy's idea to donate his body to the University for Study. He said it might help somebody else. 'I said no at first, but Jimmy said, ' Mom , I won't be using it after I die. Maybe it will help some other little boy spend one more day with his Mom .' She went on, 'My Jimmy had a heart of gold. Always thinking of someone else. Always wanting to help others if he could.'

Sally walked out of Children's Mercy Hospital for the last time, after spending most of the last six months there. She put the bag with Jimmy's belongings on the seat beside her in the car.

The drive home was difficult. It was even harder to enter the empty house. She carried Jimmy's belongings, and the plastic bag with the lock of his hair to her son's room.

She started placing the model cars and other personal things back in his room exactly where he had always kept them. She lay down across his bed and, hugging his pillow, cried herself to sleep.

It was around midnight when Sally awoke. Lying beside her on the bed was a folded letter. The letter said:

'Dear20Mom ,

I know you're going to miss me; but don't think that I will ever forget you, or stop loving you, just 'cause I'm not around to say 'I Love You'. I will always love you, Mom , even more with each day. Someday we will see each other again. Until then, if you want to adopt a little boy so you won't be so lonely, that's okay with me. He can have my room and old stuff to play with. But, if you decide to get a girl instead, she probably wouldn't like the same things us boys do. You'll have to buy her dolls and stuff girls like, you know.

Don't be s ad thinking about me. This really is a neat place. Grandma and Grandpa met me as soon as I got here and showed me around some, but it will take a long time to see everything. The angels are so cool. I love to watch them fly. And, you know what? Jesus doesn't look like any of his pictures. Yet, when I saw Him, I knew it was Him. Jesus himself took me to see GOD! And guess what, Mom ? I got to sit on God's knee and talk to Him, like I was somebody important. That's when I told Him that I wanted to write you a letter, to tell you good bye and everything. But I already knew that wasn't allowed. Well, you know what Mom ? God handed me some paper and His own personal pen to write you this letter I think Gabriel is the name of the angel who is going to drop this letter off to you. God said for me t o gi ve you the answer to one of the questions you asked Him 'where was He when I needed him?' 'God said He was in the same place with me, as when His son Jesus was on the cross. He was right there, as He always is with all His children.

Oh, by the way, Mom , no one else can see what I've written except you. To everyone else this is just a blank piece of paper. Isn't that cool? I have to give God His pen back now He needs it to write some more names in the Book of Life. Tonight I get to sit at the table with Jesus for supper. I'm sure the food will be great.

Oh, I almost forgot to tell you. I don't hurt anymore the cancer is all gone.. I'm glad because I couldn't stand that pain anymore and God couldn't stand to see me hurt so much, either. That's when He sent The Angel of Mercy to come get me. The Angel said I was a Special Delivery! How about that?

Signed with Love from God, Jesus & Me.

(Let's see Satan stop this one.) Take 60 seconds and re-post this, within the hour, you will have caused a multitude of believers to pray to God for each other. Then sit back and feel the Holy Spirit work in your life for doing what you know God loves 'When you're down to nothing, God is up to something.'

*2 minutes and you will feel the Holy Spirit brightening your life in just an hour.

From where I am....

2011-07-08T10:48:00.005+08:00

"Break the big problems into small pieces and deal with them one at a time. And God is very kind, what He gives us is the best for us and He knows that we can handle those problems. The experience will make us stronger mentally, emotionally and spiritually."

From where i'm standing, (Drama Queen Mode...) Others probably would have given up and look for the easiest way out it. Just for today i want to pat my back and tell myself, " You survived all the darkest periods in life, still you stand tall and reach out to those who needs you...."

Just for today, I want to think only about myself, and nothing else matters, for as long as i can't help myself I can't reach out for others....so in order for me to be able to extend my hands for others i would have to make sure i'm taking really good of myself, emotionally, physically and spiritually.

At this point, God had tested me again with new challenges in life and I wouldn't know if i could make it if i wouldn't let myself go thru it and give it my best shot!

I am all ready, God....give me your best shot....at the end, I know you test me because you know I can overcome this fear and becomes wiser and stronger, so that i can be the living proof to others that nothing is too impossible as long as we set our mind to it.

Thank you, Lord for you know what's best for me. Amen.

So Help Me God ....

2011-07-03T00:04:00.003+08:00

- Take a second out to think about this: in your life you search and search for the right person for you. Every time you break up with someone you get one step closer to that person. You should look at moving on as getting closer to meeting the one.

- Letting go doesn't mean giving up... it means moving on. It is one of the hardest things a person can do. Starting at birth, we grasp on to anything we can get our hands on, and hold on as if we will cease to exist when we let go. We feel that letting go is giving up, quitting, and that as we all know is cowardly. But as we grow older we are forced to change our way of thinking. We are forced to realize that letting go means accepting things that cannot be. It means maturing and moving on, no matter how hard you have to fight yourself to do so.

- Any change, any loss, does not make us victims. Others can shake you, surprise you, disappoint you, but they can't prevent you from acting, from taking the situation you're presented with and moving on. No matter where you are in life, no matter what your situation, you can always do something. You always have a choice and the choice can be power.

Kak ...

2011-05-19T11:52:00.003+08:00

"The world is round and the place which may seem like the end may also be the beginning. May the road rise up to meet you, may the wind be ever at your back. May the sun shine warm upon your face and the rain fall softly on your fields. And until we meet again, may God hold you in the hollow of his hand. Sleep well Kak, rest in peace...Al Fatihah..."

I wanted so much to pour out tons of heartache & regrets for the departed beloved kakak....since her life chapter have finally signed & sealed by The Almighty, there's nothing much i can say or change to make things less painful for her. All I can do is bury her deep in my heart with all our wonderful memories while she's still breathing.

I am numb at the moment. I kept asking myself of all the cousins and close family, WHY did she choose me to be the first to know about her illness? Could it be she wanted me to learn "how to handle such incident"? Could it be, she wanted me to be braver in life? Could it be she teaching me to love myself more, looking back at what her past experience which she told me in person, first hand?

I really don't know...

All i could do at the moment, is to look back and make some better improvement in my life based on her advice and past life experiences....praying that i will handle my life wiser, especially the health part.

Sleep well Kak, rest in peace...Al Fatihah..

Yours Truly,
"Cloudy" Matahari.

Forgiveness Vs. Vengeance ?

2011-05-17T00:46:00.003+08:00

To be brutally honest, i have been having sleepless night because of a recent incidence.

But after giving it a good thought, i choose living my life happy, healthy and (AMEN) wealthy...in the past, i'd kept tons and tons of grudges resulting many many sleepless nights and heartache and headache. Do i want to be in that kind of life again? I don't think so.... i really like where i am now.

So in the case of Forgiveness Versus Vengeance, Forgiveness 1- Vengeance-0. But do pray really hard for me, as I'm only HUMAN ;)

Yours truly,
Princess Matahari :D

Today ~ 15th March 2011

2011-03-15T03:23:00.007+08:00

I bid adieu to you today not because i love you any-less....it is because i love myself more.

Everytime i meet a new friend, i ask myself.."Why does God wants me to cross path with this person?"... soon enough, i will find the truth about people and vice versa. Whether i'm wrong or right, ready or not that's besides the point.When it's time for me to part path with them, I ask myself another question, " Did i do well in my role as their friend...what I was meant to do?".

I finally realised, the best relationship that i ever had is with myself, I am my own best friend, i stand up for me regardless what others think.

You can run or find other so called, friend (I'm not here to critic other people, you know what to do)....but the best friend one will ever have is to one's self. Therefore, i embrace my solitude (will correct this soon ;)).... a date with myself!

Yours Truly,
Me & Myself.

JUMP START !

2011-03-08T01:12:00.005+08:00

Just when you think that everything in life seems gloomy and "direction-less"....you were presented with a few situation which you totally have no what-so-ever clue with or something old which finally resurface from where it was long buried...you suddenly came back from the dead (so to speak) with a new perspective in life.

I, for one who's a firm believer in "signs".....;) witness actually quite a number of incident lately...

I found this while browsing my old status from my tweeter
" This princess is in despair, collecting what's left from those broken pieces with head up high, I WAS NOT BUILT TO BREAK! SO HELP ME GOD!!"

Why i wrote it on the first place? Well i can't really recalled, but probably one of those infamous "down to the blues" days....what's new huh ;)

To those who've been with me eversince i started this blog, probably could read me like a book if they see me face to face. Or so they think ;) AHAAAA.....i could be just plain lazy (Genius, yeah right huh.....i would like to think of myself as one....but sometimes i do end up making stupid decision in life...sighhhh) who can be very direct at expressing my feeling.

A curse? To my mom probably yes hehe....to me, it's my permanent trademark which long before i tried so hard to change...until i begin accepting my true color...loving every bit of me...up to a point where some judgemental individual think of me as VAIN....which i proudly accept...."Well that's me" If i do change, i won't be me anymore :)

I fall in love quickly, got angry in a split second faster than anyone i can remember, being a permanent melancholy especially when i get my "slow theme song" of the day, all sweaty and excited at the site of things which falls under "my fond list".....sighhh, well for short, getting to know me could be a handful...metaphorically speaking ;)

At this very moment, Juwita Suwito's song, Stand is on my "repeat mode" hehe....so you probably could tell...how this post's gonna end huh ;) ....well actually been trying to blog recently but i guess i have been having some "blogger's block" eversince last year.....Just keep your fingers crossed....i might write more than what i'm used to...i said "i might" ;)

I do miss expressing my inner thoughts by placing my tiny finger tips on my laptop keyboard...so therapeutic at times...i hardly noticed the time it's almost quater to 4am....i do hope i get to eat "Tuaran Fried Mee" for breakfast......I give you..Juwita Suwito ~ Stand ;)

Yours Truly,

Princess in Despair

Valentine's Day?

2011-02-16T11:46:00.003+08:00

" Stories you read when you're the right age never quite leave you. You may forget who wrote them or what the story was called. Sometimes you'll forget precisely what happened, but if a story touches you it will stay with you, haunting the place in your mind that you rarely ever visit. "

i stumbled upon the above while i was reading the introduction for a new book i bought recently. A lot happened through out my "missing in action" period. After celebrating my 2011 Valentine's day with that one special person...which got me thinking, another chapter in progress in my life story...

Scary? I would be lying if i say NO. Lets just say... after been missing in action for a very long time, i came back from the dead and doing my very best to live my life to the fullest! Being alive and healthy is the best prayer one can ever asked for. Before i forgot, my resolution this year will be to keep myself healthy or as people put it...in the pink of health! If i did lose weight in the process that'll surely be a big bonus !

Yesterday on the 15th....i can name a number of names which character in my life story make my life worth living for. Some came out suprising to me, where else i thought i could live without them....suprising huh? Actually it took me a while to think on how i would like to start blogging again...

I had a colorful day yesterday but one color that was definately out from my life story chapter was, black. I no longer want to wear black for as long as i live...figuratively speaking ;)

I kind of run out of idea now but i promise to continue writing whenever my ideas flows back in.....for now, i just want to say Happy Valentine's Day to all my friends who stick to me thru my thick and thin years....for loving me as I already am, for not judging me and for accepting me as me, always....and for the 3 most important man in my life...the best is yet to come! To all the ladies, my mom, my girlfriends and favourite aunties, my favourite cousins...not a single day passed with me thinking about your where abouts....you guys kept me going...Thank You incase i forgot to mention that.

No amount of roses can ever replace YOU from my heart....I "heart" you...always

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY

Yours Truly,
Ameera Matahari

Happy Chinese New Year, anyone?

2011-01-31T13:51:00.003+08:00

Hello and belated Happy New Year to all of you out there..... some close friends called me up on why i kinda abandoned my blog lately....nothing really just feeling kinda not being my usual self lately.

Today, was a final blow.... on all these celebration thingy for me, NO MORE! I was bestowed with rather sad request from my cousin who was diagnosed with stage 4 canser... honestly i don't think that she'll live thru this year... she requested for my family to host the first Chinese New Year celebration this year...kinda like she's saying her goodbye to all of us. She requested for all my aunts and uncles to come to my family home back in the kampung for the last time....

I am very sad, in a way that she knows what coming her way and decided to take action ...where else some people ( You know who you are!!!!!!) they don't know what they'll lose until they'll lose it. All i'm asking is to share the responsibility of trasporting some stuff home for the chinese new year preparation....and that also too hard for them to do....now how stupid is that.

I' not asking for them to spend any single dime on the celebration, all i'm asking is to help me with goodies to send it back to the house....these are those things that pisses me off sometimes.... I feel like telling them off and don't bother coming to see me next time....because it won't make any difference....anymore!

What's the point of having a family whom you can't depend on when you needed them the most? Happy Freakin' Chinese New Year everyone!!!!

Yours truly,
Miss Freakin' Sunshine!!!!

Rapunzel ~ Rapunzel....let down your armpit hair... :D

2010-12-03T17:41:00.003+08:00

Huh? Yeah.... what could be more shocking and ticklish for a very long overdue hi again where have i been lately than finding my latest mean joke victim huh :p...poor Rapunzel....tsk tsk tsk heeeeeeee :D

Well even while jotting al these down...i'm down with another one of my infamous flu episode (not gonna elaborate on that tho...hehe feeling kinda mysterious lately)

Honestly, i missed my FB friends, my bloggers friends and most of all two of my 'Taiko' and 'TaiChe'....i suddenly felt like my whole world fell apart..when two of my really close confidante go their seperate way...nothing to do with fighting with me or anything like that...just that it's about time for them to spread the happiness they shared with me all these while to others...

To put things into exaggeration level....half of me is now dead....used to call them at wee hours ( dang...ngam kai tu? ) and vice versa....

For sure...i know i'll never find anyone just like them....but hopefully better...yeah they pissed me off sometimes (so do i ) but hell....i love these two awful creature... but i do hope i can see them again....very soon!!!! I Miss You Guys!!!! Come back :(

Yours truly,
Ms Sun - Less Sunshine

~ L..O..V..E ~

2010-10-02T19:19:00.006+08:00

"1. It's so easy, to think of Love, to talk about Love, to wish for Love, but..it's not always easy, to recognize Love.. Even when we hold it in our hands...."

"2. She / He can deal with stress and carry heavy burdens. She / He smiles when she / he feels like screaming, she / he sings when she / he feels like crying. She / He cries when she's happy and laughs when she's / he's afraid. Her / His love is unconditional. There's only one thing wrong with her / him, she / he forgets what she's / he's worth! I wanna remind us this... to all the beautiful people out there. I wanna remind all of us that, We are all UNIQUE. Today is "I Love Myself Day"

I come across the above quotation while browsing my (Sister) Gwenny's blog at about 7.20pm today.

For the time being, i'm still in my MIA (for myself) Mode. Which means, i don't feel like going to my kopitiam, i'd rather be outside doing my long overdued 'loitering' (altho it was way past my time to be calling it loitering...duh!) be it shopping, window shopping, or simply being at my favourite corner at home (studyroom...browsing ;) ) .

Sometimes, i do feel it was a waste of time doing unproductive things....but what struck me today, i actually needed some 'Me time'. To straighten some long overdued things which i kept on suppressing....

If you ask me, how do i define L.O.V.E ? My answer is very simple, doing good deeds without expecting something in return. What i learned thru the years, yes i do love....but i always have an expectation that whatever i do, i 'will' get back one way or the other. Hence, when my expectation was labelled as "high expectation" and when others felt it's too complicated in trying to get to know the real me... so they will be able to love me....and then when they failed...i didn't get to feel that they were supposed to just love or care for me....i get 'broken hearted'.

We are NOT supposed to expect anything in return when we do things for those we care about. It is not even a chore to begin with. We do it because they meant the world to us, and knowing when we do it (things that make others happy and make their day....smiling and all that)...that's where the true happiness come from. We feel contend... The trick is....when we do things for them, we do it because we want to...not because we were forced to.

Affirmation : I love myself, therefore...i'm getting rid of all the clutter in my home and in my life :) I am doing this willingly, for me.

Yours Truly,
Noor Ameera

My First Eid Mubarak, Eid - ul - Fitr !

2010-09-07T21:02:00.003+08:00

I
I would like to wish all my family and good friends near or far, a very warm and joyous Eid - ul - Fitr, may Allah grant upon us all His blessing for a loving, happy and peaceful Eid Mubarak, Selamat Hari Raya Aidilfitri!

Yours Truly,
Noor Ameera

Aishah ~ Pulangla

P.Ramlee ~ Suara Takbir

Anuar Zain ~ Bersabarlah Sayang

Anuar Zain ~ Teman Terulung

Anuar Zain ~ Bidadari

Raihan & Man Bai ~ Harapan Ramadan

Sami Yusuf ~ You Came To Me

Zain Ad ~ Ramadan Song

Y..O..U

2010-08-26T09:08:00.010+08:00

Kerispatih ~ Untuk Pertama Kali
Aku temukan lagi sebuah cinta
di dalam aura hadirmu
aku rasakan kelembutan hati
di mimpi indah kasihmu

Kita bisa nikmati rasa ini
walau segalanya jelas terlarang
kita bisa saling menyayangi dan mencoba
tak perduli keadaan ini

reff:
dan untuk pertama kali
cintaku terbagi
dan ku ingin milikinya
dan untuk pertama kali
ku sangkali janji
dan bahagia mencintanya

Ohh
dan untuk pertama kali
cintaku terbagi
dan ku ingin milikinya
dan untuk pertama kali
ku sangkali janji
dan bahagia mencintanya

Untuk pertama kali

Rossa ~ Ayat - Ayat Cinta
Desir pasir di padang tandus
segersang pemikiran hati
terkisah ku di antara cinta yang rumit

Bila keyakinanku datang
kasih bukan sekadar cinta
pengorbanan cinta yang agung
ku pertaruhkan

reff:
maafkan bila ku tak sempurna
cinta ini tak mungkin ku cegah
ayat-ayat cinta bercerita
cintaku padamu
bila bahagia mulai menyentuh
seakan ku bisa hidup lebih lama
namun harus ku tinggalkan cinta
ketika ku bersujud

bila keyakinanku datang
kasih bukan sekedar cinta
pengorbanan cinta yang agung
ku pertaruhkan

repeat)
reff:
maafkan bila ku tak sempurna
cinta ini tak mungkin ku cegah
ayat-ayat cinta bercerita
cintaku padamu
bila bahagia mulai menyentuh
seakan ku bisa hidup lebih lama
namun harus ku tinggalkan cinta
ketika ku bersujud

ketika ku bersujud

Ungu ~ Kekasih Gelapku
Ku mencintaimu lebih dari apapun
meskipun tiada satu orang pun yg tahu
ku mencintaimu sedalam-dalam hatiku
meskipun engkau hanya kekasih gelapku

Ku tahu ku takkan selalu ada untukmu
disaat engkau merindukan diriku
ku tahu ku takkan bisa memberikanmu
waktu yang panjang dalam hidupku

yakinlah bahwa engkau adalah cintaku
yg kucari slama ini dalam hidupku
dan hanya padamu kuberikan sisa cintaku
yg panjang dalam hidupku
hidupku

repeat *

ku mencintaimu lebih dari apapun
meskipun tiada satu orang pun yang tahu
ku mencintai mu sedalam-dalam hatiku
meskipun engkau hanya kekasih gelapku

ku mencintaimu lebih dari apapun
meskipun tiada satu orang pun yg tahu
ku mencintaimu sedalam-dalam hatiku
meskipun engkau hanya kekasih gelapku

ku mencintaimu lebih dari apapun
meskipun tiada satu orang pun yg tahu
ku mencintaimu sedalam-dalam hatiku
meskipun engkau hanya kekasih gelapku

kekasih gelapku

Ungu ~ Demi Waktu
Aku yang tak pernah bisa lupakan dirinya
Yang kini hadir diantara kita
Namun ku juga takkan bisa menepis bayangmu
Yang slama ini temani hidupku

Maafkan aku menduakan cintamu
Berat rasa hatiku tinggalkan dirinya
Dan demi waktu yang bergulir di sampingmu
Maafkanlah diriku sepenuh hatimu
Seandainya bila ku bisa memilih

Kalau saja waktu itu ku tak jumpa dirinya
Mungkin semua tak kan seperti ini
Dirimu dan dirinya kini ada di hatiku
Membawa aku dalam kehancuran

Maafkan aku menduakan cintamu
Berat rasa hatiku tinggalkan dirinya
Dan demi waktu yang bergulir di sampingmu
Maafkanlah diriku sepenuh hatimu
Seandainya bila ku bisa memilih

Maafkan aku menduakan cintamu
Berat rasa hatiku tinggalkan dirinya
Dan demi waktu yang bergulir di sampingmu
Maafkan aku
Maafkan aku

Ungu ~ Tercipta Untukku
Menatap indahnya senyuman diwajahmu
Membuat ku terdiam dan terpaku
Mengerti akan hadirnya cinta terindah
Saat kau peluk mesra tubuhku

Banyak kata
Yang tak mampu kuungkapkan
Kepada dirimu

Aku ingin engkau slalu
Hadir dan temani aku
Disetiap langkah
Yang meyakiniku
Kau tercipta untukku
Sepanjang hidupku

Aku ingin engkau slalu
Hadir dan temani aku
Disetiap langkah
Yang meyakiniku
Kau tercipta untukku

Meski waktu akan mampu
Memanggil seluruh ragaku
Ku ingin kau tau
Kuslalu milikmu
Yang mencintaimu
Sepanjang hidupku

Aku ingin engkau slalu
Hadir dan temani aku
Disetiap langkah
Yang meyakiniku
Kau tercipta untukku

Meski waktu akan mampu
Memanggil seluruh ragaku
Ku ingin kau tau
Kuslalu milikmu
Yang mencintaimu

(Doaku padaMu)
Ungu ~ Para PencariMu
menjalani hitam putih hidupku
membuatku mengerti arti hadirmu
dalam setiap langkah2 ku berarti
melewati setiap detik waktuku bersama takdirmu
membuatku mengerti hanyalah padamu
kukembali…

ku bersujud kepadamu memohon ampunanmu
adakah jalan untukku tuk kembali padamu

REFF :

akulah para pencarimu ya Allah
akulah yang merindukanmu ya robi
tunjukanku jalan yang lurus
tuk tetapkan langkahku

akulah para pencarimu ya Allah
akulah yang merindukanmu ya robi
hanya di tanganmu ya allah
tempat kupasrahkan hidupku

Kerispatih ~ MengenangMu
Takkan pernah habis air mataku
Bila ku ingat tentang dirimu
Mungkin hanya kau yang tahu
Mengapa sampai saat ini ku masih sendiri

Adakah disana kau rindu padaku
Meski kita kini ada di dunia berbeda
Bila masih mungkin waktu berputar
Kan kutunggu dirimu …

Reff:
Biarlah ku simpan sampai nanti aku kan ada di sana
Tenanglah dirimu dalam kedamaian
Ingatlah cintaku kau tak terlihat lagi
Namun cintamu abadi …ohhh

Biarlah ku simpan sampai nanti aku kan ada di sana
Tenanglah dirimu dalam kedamaian
Ingatlah cintaku kau tak terlihat lagi
Namun cintamu abadi... ohhh

Ingatlah cintaku kau tak terlihat lagi
Namun cintamu abadi

P.S. For Your Listening Pleasure. Know that you're with me, Always. No matter what i do, where i am..You are always there with me.................I LOVE YOU.

Manbai ~ Kau Ilhamku
Beribu bintang dilangit
Kini menghilang
Meraba aku dalam kelam
Rembulan mengambang
Kini makin suram
Pudar ilhamku tanpa arah

Sedetik wajahmu muncul
Dalam diam
Ada kerdipan ada sinar
Itukah bintang ataupun rembulan
Terima kasih kuucapkan

Izinkan kumencuri bayangan wajahmu
Izinkan ku mencuri hayalan denganmu
Maafkanlah oh...
Andai lagu ini
Mengganggu ruangan hidupmu
Kau senyumlah oh...
Sekadar memori
Kita di arena ini
Kau ilhamku
Kau ilhamku...

Repeat)
Izinkan kumencuri bayangan wajahmu
Izinkan ku mencuri hayalan denganmu
Maafkanlah oh...
Andai lagu ini
Mengganggu ruangan hidupmu
Kau senyumlah oh...
Sekadar memori
Kita di arena ini
Kau ilhamku(Izinkan ku mencuri bayangan wajahmu) Kau ilhamku
Kau ilhamku(Izinkan ku mencuri bayangan wajahmu) Kau ilhamku
Kau ilhamku(Izinkan ku mencuri bayangan wajahmu) Kau ilhamku
Kau ilhamku(Izinkan ku mencuri bayangan wajahmu) Kau ilhamku

Yours Truly, MatahariMu

Turning Point

2010-08-22T19:31:00.011+08:00

How should i begin this, hmmm..let me see, a turning point at last?

Well ok recently, on August 20th (i should say), marked as my new "birthday" as Princess of Light. Well to those who knows me, knows exactly what i'm talking about. I officially embraced the new me in a way, it changes everything and when i said every thing, i do mean, every single thing in my life.

I learned to let go a lot of thing that used to be a major thing in my life and to be honest, at this point of life, i really do feel like a 5 years old... who's trying to figure out a lot of what's happening around me. A curse? A blessing? Being an optimist i believe in looking at things as half glass full, instead of half emptied ones.

At the same time, i finally conquered one of my "what if" moments (the one normally that'll leave me feeling suffocated) Where i finally drive and just follow my heart and finally see that one special person. Without thinking about what'll happen next. Dissapointed? Nope, but he surpasses my expectation, he's more than what other refered to as more than meet the eye (i hope i use the correct expression here hehe)

P.S. I still have that picture perfect moment in my mind, a guy wearing a black t-shirt which was torn on the right sleeve of it, and dark blue tracksuit pants, wearing slippers (white and a little bluish straps and bluish lines on the circle outline of each slipper.) Hmmm... maybe not really a perfect attire for the first 'eye to eye" meet, but to me it was a perfect moment, where i could hear his voice (real life) without listening from the other end of my phone, on a bright daylight where i can see his every strands of greyish hair of his goatee on his "trying to be brave and cool" face. At this moment i'm giggling as i try to recall that one particular moment where, i don't have a single clue on what to say and end up, we sounded like fighting whenever we say something (well this is as per CheChe D, the witness that day! hehe)....

Well ok Dr Lurve used the term "kanyat-kanyat" as his way of expressing the moment, where i preferred to use the term, "lost in translation". Period. :) Not really a moment where people described as "walking on cloud nine" but it does make my heart skipped a beat and felt weak on both of my knees (hehe). All i can say now is, i became...restless and lord knows what else i felt at that particular moment...(blushing!) Dang! Why do i even bother explaining this today? Because it's been a while since i came across this feeling and i want to put it on my blog as my feel good factor, to remind me that, heck yeah i can still feel something after a series of serious broken hearted episode, so to speak.

When i was in that state, i can say all of the above episode "erased" from my "hardrive" memory, I guess for good this time, it's more than a crush huh ;) You tell me....(hehe) And after i finished this sentence, i'm going to post some songs video, then put my signature and post this entry. I'm going to enjoy every second of this!

SWV ~ Weak

Eric Benet ~ The Last Time

Brian McKnight ~ Another You

Joe ~ All That I Am

Teddy Pendergrass ~ When Somebody Loves You Back

Babyface ~ I Wanna Be Your Baby

Toni Braxton ~ I Want To Be Your Baby

Toni Braxton ~ There's No Me Without You

J.Holiday ~ Forever Ain't Enough

Keyshia Cole ft. Monica ~ Trust

Keyshia Cole ~ You Complete Me

Keyshia Cole ~ This Is Us

P.S. Millions more breath taking love song i wish i can put in here, but know this: of course You are not those others described as "Prince Charming" BUT You are my kind of guy, and to date...Omar Sharif will have to finally make way..because You are my missing piece. You Complete Me.

Yours Truly,
Matahari

F..A..M..I..L..Y

2010-08-14T13:51:00.012+08:00

" You come to love not by finding the perfect person, but by seeing an imperfect person perfectly. "

Yesterday, as i was browsing FB (where else could i be :p hehe)...i bumped into a profile, Dr Lurve's to be exact ;) . Dr Lurve is my friend's husband (Psst Anna daling if you're reading this, please don't get angry eh just sharing your family's video picture)

I let Dr Lurve became my "psycologist" during my recent MIA trip (over Yahoo, so he is now, officially one of my Yahoo messenger Psycologist :p hehe)... where i was almost beginning to reach "NIRVANA" with my crush over one guy :) I know...pathetic huh, but hey isn't it a wonderful feeling... when you wake up in the morning and imagine that guy says "hi beautiful" (eventho it's only in your mind :p) and imagining him kissing the tip of your nose and your forehead (the one just above your eyebrow >> my case, the one on my left upper eyebrow hehe....) DANG!

That will definately be my reason to wake up to every morning and definately will cure my "Sleepless in Lido" episode for good! Bahahaaa...but, again...it's all in my mind :)

Anyway, I sort of promise Dr Lurve that i'll blog about the family video and promise to share it on my blog. So here goes :D !

Somewhere early this year, after a chaotic brief life changing moment....i was at my kopitiam and feeling down the whole day. Suddenly bigB's brother, (Mr W) came in for a cuppa. Knowing me, when i have one of those "heavier than anything that heavy chest" moments and wish i could just grab my "BRA" and ripped it off and throw it as far as the eye can see, so to speak (hehe) i will do anything just to get rid of that heavy feeling. When i say heavy, i meant ...even my face hurts, in a bad way :p

So ok, I, without any introduction or whatsoever.. shoot a very direct question at Mr W. Wanna know what was the question? Did you guys noticed the title of the blog, on top? Yeah... " What's your defination of a family? " ! My question to Mr W.... I guessed you guys can imagine how his face reacts to that simple question huh?

Surprisingly, his face remained calm...and he begin asking me if i was ok? Then i told him, i felt all numb and heavy inside. If you asked me now, i probably won't have the guts to ask anyone those question... if it's not because of my infamous "bungee jump spur of the moments curiousity" calling! Yeah the suffocation moment, which only those who really knows me understand :) .

He patiently smile and explains to me that...of course a family will consists of a father, a mother, and maybe one or two kids as the son or daughter of the couple, but now adays, family unit can be a little tricky when divorce happen. There you might have step father or step mother or even step childrens that became step siblings to the kids of the previous couple.

I was listening like a 5 years old girl, trying to figure out where he's going with the simplest explaination which he did earlier. And then he continued, to keep a family together is definately one hell of hardwork. He for one was or rather is a living proof of the "hardwork" in building his family and at the same time climbing his own career ladder.

Wish i could share everything about what he shared that day, but i swore to secrecy about the itsy bitsy details BUT this i can say that, this man is a hero! He and his wife survived the difficult phase in life, and now both of them are very successful at where they are in life.

As i learned that Mrs W now is a proud masters scholar holder and holding big post in the government sector, where Mr W is also holding a big post in a semi government sector and still eyeing for his soon to be masters scholar title.

What did i learn from that chat that day? I learn that good teamwork and good give and take moments, are crucial to make a marriage work, especially when you are a father and a mother of the family, because this is where it all begin. A solid foundation that will help mould a child's development... be it, mentally, physically or spiritually.

By saying that, i honestly have no whatsoever intention in putting any of my parents down, as i understand now that maybe they too were as naive as i was. But i thanked God that i still have the opportunity to maybe do something about it, as i learn thru my past life experience and those experience made me who I am today. Maybe if those things didn't take place, i wouldn't be searching for those missing puzzles in life and i wouldn't be here blogging about it.

So about this Dr Lurve and his latest family video creation, i learned that being away from your family can be channelled into something beautiful as what Dr Lurve did with his spare time (so to speak! hehe) by simply putting a simple photo collection and music together (especially those with beautiful lyrics) and WALLA! A masterpiece, which make his other half (Anna) drive all the way from Kota Kinabalu to Lawas ( I've forgotten the exact kilometres but roughly in hours, 3 to 4 hours?) just so they can be together for breaking their fast together as a family. Now that is, sacrifice in the name of love!

Where two parents separated (in distance...) because of work to find something for their kids, so that they can provide them with maybe a roof over their head, education, and building a future together as a family. As i fondly remember as a child, being away from a father figure does hurt a lot, especially when you are the daddy's girl, and your other sibling (in my case, my brother) being momma's boy. As on my team, my anchor was no where to be seen...those days i have no cellphone to tell him if i was having a bad day at school or simply telling him, how i miss hugging him and miss hearing his voice...(well my "anchor" was a good singer and the best guitar player as i remembered..)

Those are some of the missing puzzles that i keep trying to fill in the blanks all these while, and every journey was indeed a wonderful discovery to me. Altho there are moments where i hit few walls along the way, but when i did recovered from the so called " amnesia" (hehe) i can see a lot of beautiful things surrounding me. Be it new friends, new relatives, new family members and my recent case was, new faith. :)

I had an opportunity on the August 15th to chat with my new family member (Abang MM) which is my cousin's husband, where he is now having the "seperated by distance" moments with his wife due to illness. Where his wife (i just call her kakak ok? ) is in the recovering stage from cancer. Abang is now with the kids in Tawau while, Kakak is in Kota Kinabalu for her radio"something" (i forgotten what's it called..sorry hehe) She survived all the chemotherapy session and now with the radio "something".

I went for my armpit laser hair removal a couple of years ago (and i still have a few session left!!!), and believe me, it was painful! And chemotherapy? I don't know how did she survived all those sessions, but heck, she's one hell of a strong lady! I'm proud of you Kakak, and Abang as a solid anchor for Kakak through out the excruciating sessions, and for being a solid anchor alone, during their trial period. BRAVO! P.S. Abang, I'll always remember the story you told me about you using the song "You To Me Are Everything" as an alarm sound to wake the kids for sahur :) now that is really sweet, instead of screaming you lungs out, you channel it to something positive and even if they can't wake up, least it gives you all the positive vibes eh :D, BRAVO Abang!!

I believe that tough times never last but tough people do. Life is tough but tougher when you are stupid. What i meant was sometimes when we do come across a difficult situation in life, but things would be much easier if we make things simpler by making the most of it and take care of the things that matters the most.

Some will go stray when they feel numb inside ( i did, i'm not ashamed of admitting it. least i learned my lesson and try to be wiser the next time around, altho i have to pay a big price on whatever lesson i learned.) and some just need to be alone to reflect on things and perhaps try to figure out the best way of handling things.

P.S. to Mami & Daddy Google, you know who you are....let us learn from all these wonderful people, so we can make our life a beautiful one! I mean it when i said if i'm old and i can't carry my own grocesseries, you guys are on my speed dial! BAHAHAHA

Sometimes, thinking hard before making an impulsive move on something will save you a lot of heartache in the future. By sharing some of the videos later, i do hope it'll leave some impact on others as it did to me.

Dr Lurve's pride & joy!

My "adik angkat" (adopted sister's fiance birthday bash recently), The Apple of Gwenny's Eyes

Aris Ariwatan ~ 1 2 3 4

Freddie Aguilar ~ Anak

Miley Cyrus ~ Butterfly Fly Away

Yours truly,
BabyMatahari
~ "The greatest degree of inner tranquility comes from the development of love and compassion. The more we care for the happiness of others, the greater is our own sense of well-being."

Songs II

2010-08-12T00:36:00.005+08:00

While i was browsing FB, i found this song...an old song but nice lyrics i must say :)

I remembered one of my girl friend was so into this song when she was in love with this guy..hehe i think if she's reading my blog (sweetie, u know who u are :p)

Don't get me wrong, i'm posting it here just for listening pleasure and it has nothing to do with any particular guy :)

Daniel Beddingfield ~ If You're Not The One (Accapella)

Daniel Beddingfield ~ If You're Not The One (Acoustic)

Daniel Beddingfield ~ Never Gonna leave Your Side

Mytha ~ Takkan Terganti

Mytha ~ Soulmate

The curse of being a dead romantic at heart, i must say..one can never not noticed a to - die - for song lyrics...hehe...Selamat Berpuasa All :)

Yours truly,
Matahari :)

August 10th, 2010 :)

2010-08-11T01:01:00.005+08:00

Today a close friend of mine, DT brought me a "sejadah" or prayer mat in my favourite color, blue :)

I don't know wether it's time for me or He finally shows me the way or anything like that but i'm open for anything right now.

Seing her doing her prayer, how it calms her down altho she went thru a lot of things at the same time, and seing how focus she was as i observed her from my favourite corner while doing her Zohor prayer....it hit me. Maybe He is finally showing me how to be a calm and focus person.

Don't get me wrong, it has nothing to do with any moslem guy or anything about my latest crush, it just happen. BAM! Just like that....

All my life, to even the time where i was supposed to do my "confirmation" so that i could go for my so called "marriage course" (so that i "could" get married in church...well that was those days..hehe) i felt that, by going for "confirmation" so that i could get married properly... was all wrong! Right there and then, i told my mom off that, if i decided to go for the "confirmation" it should be because i wanted to do it, not so that i could get married with somebody.

That time, i was contemplanting .... until what i found my ultimate answer today. if any of you guys noticed, i happen to have another FB account under another name, which i did when i was looking for some missing puzzles in life.

Today everything falls into places...and i understand fully what i'm looking for in life. And i repeat, nothing to do with any moslem guy. It has been me all along....this is the miracle i've been waiting for all along :)

"Please guide me, and mould me to be a better person to my family, friends and loved ones. Guide me to see and decide what is right and what is wrong so that i could share it for the betterment of myself and others. Guide me, so i can feel calm and focus in life, Guide me from doing anything bad that can harm myself, my family, my friends and my loved ones. Guide me so that one day, i can help guide those who lost their way in life, to be strong, kind, honest and most of all, to love one another without being prejudice, judgemental or feeling any hatred or vengence towards each other. "

Yours truly,

Noor Ameera Anani Johan AKA MATAHARI :)

P.S. Selamat Berpuasa to all my moslem family and friends near or far...Hugssss..:)

Soul Food of The Day

2010-08-06T09:47:00.002+08:00

"Eleven Hints for Life"

1. It hurts to love someone and not be loved in return.
But what is more painful is to love someone and never
find the courage to let that person know how you feel.

2. A sad thing in life is when you meet someone who
means a lot to you, only to find out in the end that it was
never meant to be and you just have to let go.

3. The best kind of friend is the kind you can sit on a
porch swing with, never say a word, and then walk away
feeling like it was the best conversation you've ever had.

4. It's true that we don't know what we've got until we lose
it, but it's also true that we don't know what we've been
missing until it arrives.

5. It takes only a minute to get a crush on someone, an
hour to like someone, and a day to love someone-but it
takes a lifetime to forget someone.

6. Don't go for looks, they can deceive. Don't go for wealth,
even that fades away. Go for someone who makes you
smile because it takes only a smile to make a dark day
seem bright.

7. Dream what you want to dream, go where you want to go,
be what you want to be. Because you have only one life and
one chance to do all the things you want to do.

8. Always put yourself in the other's shoes. If you feel that it
hurts you, it probably hurts the person too.

9. A careless word may kindle strife. A cruel word may wreck
a life. A timely word may level stress. But a loving word may
heal and bless.

10. The happiest of people don't necessarily have the best
of everything they just make the most of everything that comes
along their way.

11. Love begins with a smile, grows with a kiss, ends with
a tear. When you were born, you were crying and everyone
around you was smiling. Live your life so that when you die,
you're the one smiling and everyone around you is crying.

Just for today, i devote my entire day to looking good and feeling good, because I'm worth it!

The selections of songs makes me feel, I am that Girl...so i'm sharing it all here for all the girls out there, Remember this:
"As we grow up, we learn that even the one person that wasn't supposed to ever let us down, probably will. You'll have your heart broken and you'll break others' hearts. You'll fight with your best friend or maybe even fall in love with them, and you'll cry because time is flying by.

1.So take too many pictures, laugh too much, forgive freely, and love like you've never been hurt.

2.Life comes with no guarantees, no time outs, no second chances. you just have to live life to the fullest, tell someone what they mean to you and tell someone off, speak out, dance in the pouring rain, hold someone's hand, comfort a friend, fall asleep watching the sun come up, stay up late, be a flirt, and smile until your face hurts.

3.Don't be afraid to take chances or fall in love and most of all, live in the moment because every second you spend angry or upset is a second of happiness you can never get back."

Bobby Valentino ~ Slow Down

Chris Brown ~ With You

Brian Mcknight ft. Justin Timberlake ~ My Kind of Girl

Peter Andre ~ Mysterious Girl

Beautiful Day People!

Yours truly,
Miss MATAHARI :D

A Coincidence?

2010-08-05T10:59:00.008+08:00

"Find a guy who calls you beautiful instead of hot, who calls you back when you hang up on him, who will lie under the stars and listen to your heart beat, or will stay awake to watch you sleep, wait for the boy who kisses your forehead .."

hmm...i woke up today and jumped right infront of my laptop, signed in to facebook and WALLA! I found this (as jotted above, minus the cute flowery signs..hehe) on my favourite aunt's facebook profile :)

Coincidence? I don't know, but it was a nice coincidence tho ( P.S. Thank You Aunty, for i always believe...you're my LOVE GURU hehe..but seriously! HUGSSSSS)

Munching my favourite crackers, armed with my favourite yellow mug Morning cuppa ;) with Mr Benet singing his heart out (AGAIN! Yeah, on repeat MODE! ) I woke up about 9-ish and yeah it was the perfect sleep i ever had in a long time, even without laying next to me. Like i said, i feel safe...for now :) Altho, safe means having going to sleep at 5.30 am and woke up around 9-ish...but it was perfect, refreshing and i'm fully rejuvenated!

Oh, now i'm thinking about how do i make it to 2 important meet up on sunday? Where a friend of mine, will be back from Russia and coming over to the hair salon to do her hair and at the same time catching up with me on things and at the same time, my ex schoolmates are arranging a get together on the same day and i think about the same time? Plus my mom's leaving me without a wheel for attending my niece's wedding at the same day? HELP! I need a driver :(

Oh by the way, here's something for my lovely niece, BiBie...for having survived the lost of her beloved husband to cancer and for her new man on her side now...who loved her as she is, with her 4 adorable children and for being a man :) Proud of you sweetie :) " May your love for each other will grow stronger each and everyday, and may you'' be blessed with all the finest things in life. MWAHHHHH I'm soo happy for you Bibie :)

Love,
Aunty MATAHARI :)

All 4 One ~ Beautiful As You

The Song, huh?

2010-08-05T03:15:00.007+08:00

As what i have written earlier, I could be easily identified as having a classic sign of a writer's blocked (or perhaps, blockage...i don't know, these days my mind plays trick with me all the time!)

I just came back from my MIA-ing trip, to where all the succluded areas you can imagine. Well, tonight someone asked me if I am a spy? Hehe, good one ;) I have to give you an anti-climax on that one though, i wish i am (exciting life!) but in reality, No!

So by seing me jotting down in here AGAIN, it could mean some of my BIG QUESTION MARKS are or were answered. Well not all of it, but at least after jotting down all these, i think sleeping won't be a problem anymore. I could only think of one thing when i wake up later on, A BIG SMILE :) Happy? You can say that again....VERY HAPPY :)

ALTHO.... (yeah i know, always my kind of anti-climax of happy ending about what i'm going to blog about....) some of the questions still not -so-patience-ly awaits for some unfulfilled or end sentences... but for now, i can blog my heart out again. So, YAYYYYYYY :D

I remembered telling Big G (let's just call him, Big G hehe..i promise one fine day i shall revealed this mysterious Big G to you! So Stay Tuned ;) ) about an incident where i went like a bat - out - of - hell - over You Tube until 6 am, searching and looking for my so called "Future Wedding song" after been asked by my cousin, "Sis what is your wedding song gonna be like?", or something like that....sighhhh

Seriously, i have no what - so - ever idea about it, until someone nailed it to my head, HARD!

All these while, i only think about my theme songs whenever i was down or happy (for what reason, i don't know..it just happen, it's so me huh? hehe) or for being just plain silly...until i stumbled upon another one of Eric Benet's number, today. Basically it sums up all i have bottled up in me for the past...one week plus to be exact! Curious what was the lyrics in the song? Well, i'll share it if you think you won't get tired reading about my crappy blog today hehe...

Eric Benet ~ We Could Have Been

Tell me whose to blame
i thought that we were on our way
i never dream that all my life that love could feel that way
did we move to slow? or was it just too soon?
but there i go,looking back once more.
like a fool, i still imagine what we ...

could have been could it be
we had a chance if we just try again
its the hardest thing to face
its like never knowing how the story ever ends
and i'll never know just what we could have been

so i'll just say its meant to be
and this is faith and destiny
but tell me how do i explain this into part in me
though i write these words i know i'll carry on
but i love you still, probably always will
nothing could ever be so beautiful as we

could have been
if only love had lead you back into my arms again
its the hardest thing to know that
i will never love again like we did then
and you'll never know
just what we could have been

there maybe another chance
in some other space and time
some other circumstance
but will we feel the same
oh how wonderful this world would be
to face it with you here with me
only heaven knows maybe they will see
oh

what we could have been
could it be there was a chance
if we just try again
its the hardest thing
its like never knowing how the story's going to end
and we'll never know just what we hope what we could have been baby
if love could have let you back to my arms again
its the hardest thing to know that
i will never love again like we did then
i know i never ,again
and to never know just what
we could have been

Well, I know now that i'm not gonna be doing my infamous "bungee jumping act" when it comes to the matter of the heart. I'm gonna wait, and see how it goes and see if it fits. Sounds familiar? Hehe...well from the last episode, i think i've grown a little wiser and i don't want to just follow my heart when it comes to making a big desicion this time. I want to use my head and minus all those sentimental things (well just a bit it won't hurt ...or else i will be like a robotic on auto pilot mode hehe).

It does feels nice to have a heart to heart talk out in the open at last, and i liked the idea that baby's doesnt come with a manual, OK another one nailed straight to my head or heart for that matter. Could this be it? I don't know, but talking about those things that will make me blushed badly in real life does helps in calming my nerves down, BIG TIME!

So ok, i feel safe...for now. And i finally yawn! YAYYYYY time for bed now, so i'll leave you guys with Mr Benet himself singing, my theme song for the evening :) a slow one this time :) the song that successfully makes me scared the hell out of the word "what if" ! For good! hehe...sweet dreams sweetheart, wherever you are :)

Eric Benet ~ We Could Have Been

Yours truly,

Matahari

I am hmmmm.....

2010-08-03T22:43:00.002+08:00

I can't seem to focus on anything, dang! I really hate this....help?

My mind, for today ~ July, 21st 2010. Beautiful Day To All of You, Hugsss!!!

2010-07-21T12:58:00.003+08:00

That is what learning is. You suddenly understand something you have understood all your life, but in a whole new persfective. I finally woke up from my longest "sleep" recently, and begun to see my existence in the universe. I maybe choose a different approach or path in life that one can never imagine, but I do it out of the betterment of me and those who touched my life.

The thing about life is, you can only be your true self when there’s nothing else to lose. A constant reminder as i am a firm believer of where you have given your best shot at things and you are ready to face whatever consequenses that is coming your way. No regrets!

In the case of sink or swim, you only have one shot at things and there is no turning back. I was once that person about 7 years back....where i decided to burned my ship (so to speak..) and make a big jump. Little that i know, I will have to do the same thing after what i have sacrificed that day. Which brings us to, Nothing is more permanent than changes.

Every decision that you make, will bring other consequences. Which sometimes requires a lot of energy and time, in order to make another decision to either rectify what has been done or to move forward after that, and pick up what is left of oneself's.

What is it about decision that makes us act the way we do? Whatever in the past, mold our present way of thinking and shaped the Person we are destined to be in the future. That is exactly why i always mentioned that; Only I, hold the key to my destiny and only if I choose to be, not because others expect me to be.

Inspired, Yes, for today. Anyone can give up, it is the easiest thing in the world to do. But to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart, that's true strength.

Courage is the discovery that you may not win, and trying when you know you can lose. It doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, "I will try again tomorrow. There are no failures - just experiences and your reactions to them.

For at the end of the day, i tell myself..."Irene, enough for today, go home and sleep, continue the rest tomorrow , for a cloudy mind won’t help you make any good decision".

My life is like a white canvas. My past, my presents and my future are colours on it that makes my existence comes to life.

MATAHARI to me, is not just as someone refers to it as Nom de Plume but, as a being that like the ray that shines and reach out to those who need warmth in their lives as I need the others, to make my DAY. I am doing my best to be the best version of myself and a good human being as i can. So guide me, be a my mirror as i am yours.

Yours truly,
Matahari.

“No pain, no palm; no thorns, no throne; no gall, no glory; no cross, no crown”.

Joe Thomas ~ Heart Behind My Eyes

Just Something i Pick up from my FB...i did it about a year ago!!

2010-07-21T11:37:00.004+08:00

The Question was : Were you named after someone? Let's go down memory lane about a year a go when i was 34 ;) ....1, 2, 3 here goes....

Ahhhh Finally!

1. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE?
- Yes, Irene Curie. Curious? Goggle it! heheee ( My name means, Goddess of Peace...) but how come i'm rebellious leh ? The middle name (the real one, means Beloved )

2. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED?
- Exactly..morning of 25th Jan 2009

3. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING?
- What's not to like about your own handwriting? ;)

4. WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE LUNCH MEAT?
- This is a jackpot question, LAMB! Definately LAMB...beef is tasteless ;p

5. DO YOU HAVE KIDS?
- Nope

6. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU?
- Definately! No doubt ;) u're lucky to be my friends u know heheee...otherwise i'll bully ya! bahahahah

7. DO YOU USE SARCASM?
- Yes, especially if i have to deal with ignorant people, to be exact slow, square minded and irritating people! Ishhh

8. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS?
- Of course, unless...if i have major concussion, memory lapse or amnesia which i don't even know, you think?

9. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP?
- Hell Yeah! Bring it ON babe! Wanna join me taking flying lesson ;) ?

10. WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE CEREAL?
- CoCo Crunch and Kellog's Corn Flake with a teaspoon of honey or brown sugar and fat free sweetcorn flavoured milk! YUMMMMMMM

11. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF?
- I wear kitten or wedges most of the time, go figure!

12. WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE ICE CREAM?
- Ahhh another jackpot question, my only answer will be that divine real Pistachio ice cream...(drooling heheee)

13. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE?
- Definately their eyes and lines around the eye corner bahahahahha...love to see how they react when teased too ;) hehee

14. RED OR PINK?
- Red indeed ;)

15. WHAT IS YOUR LEAST FAVOURITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF?
- My temper ! It goes up from 0 to 100 within less than a second especially if i'm really hungry....blame it on glucose! bihihiii...

16. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST?
- A man whom i never really get the chance to really get to know him in person, like other kids do with their fathers...

17. DO YOU WANT EVERYONE TO COMPLETE THIS LIST?
- Yes, if they answer it in details in their own way but no, if they're not serious about completing it.

18. WHAT COLOUR OF PANTS AND SHOES ARE YOU WEARING?
- Pants mostly khakis, white & black, but i'm using none now heheeee...what? I'm supposed to be sleeping! Shoes...i'm a shoe fetish! If i like a design i normally buy it in different colours, for now barefoot....i'm at home leh :p

19. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW?
- Rahsaan Patterson "Stop Breaking My Heart" over and over again...LOL p/s: Adam, thanks for the cds ;)

20. IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOUR WOULD YOU BE?
- A crayon that colours "outside the line" quoted from Sex & The City the movie.. ;) ,p/s: watch it if you wanna know what it means :p

21. FAVOURITE SMELLS?
- BLV (by Bulgari), Chance (by Chanel), Funny! (by Moschino), all time favourite...London (by Burberry) A heck..i love perfumes! And definately peppermint....it soothes my nerve hehee

22. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE?
- Manja, my best friend. We planned to have one SIN DAY once in a week, for our favourite junk food! This coming saturday, our Sin Day will be at Mc Donald!!! Here we come!!!!!!

23. DO YOU LIKE THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS TO YOU?
- Who? I nicked it from a friend's website! Baahahhaha

24. FAVOURITE SPORTS TO WATCH?
- Basketball, tennis, boxing and the list grows.....hehee

25. HAIR COLOUR?
- Black. i like to think its black...but recently, my makcik / my maid...pulled a few white ones...NOOOOOO, i'm still 17 at heart!!!!! NOOOOOOOO

26. EYE COLOUR?
- Dark Brown

27. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS?
- Use to, now i'm contacts-free..thanks to lasik!

28. FAVOURITE FOOD?
Definately Turkish, Greek, Italian, Japanese, Chinese, local delicacy.....and the list continue hehee

29. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS?
- Love happy endings movie, I'm an optimist ;)

30. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED?
- The Boleyn sumthing, can't recall but it was quite historic.

31. WHAT COLOUR OF SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING?
- At the moment, white..i have a lot of white ;)

32. SUMMER OR WINTER?
- Summer, i can't stand cold weather...i get moody!"down to the blues syndrome" hehee

33. HUGS OR KISSES?
- Both, hugs can make you feel secure ONLY if the person you're hugging with gives you a warm and long hugs....kisses, i love all kind of kisses except kissing ass! BAAHHAHAHA

34. FAVOURITE DESSERT?
- Dark Chocolate Brownie....YUMMMMMM

35. MOST LIKELY TO RESPOND?
- if they know that they're my close friends...(u know who u are!)esp..those tagged people, u better...hehe

36. LEAST LIKELY TO RESPOND?
- those "uninvited" busybody ;) (u know who u are ;) )

37. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING?
- Tons of it, I'm a bookworm...mostly self help book, motivational, novels...etc..come to my house and see for yourself! Hey, i love Paulo Coelho, Jeffery Archer, John Grisham and Jonathan Keller!!! And that Harry Potter billionaire writer ;) dont wanna advertise her...she's damn rich already! :p

38. WHAT IS ON YOUR MOUSE PAD?
- My finger? heheeee...i use laptop so no mouse wotsoever!

39. WHAT DID YOU WATCH ON TV LAST NIGHT?
- Use to be a tv addict...now hardly since i started my new business venture...Does YouTube counts? Addicted<<< bahahha

40. FAVOURITE SOUND(S)?
- Water dripping from fountain ....slow rain drops, the sea....ahhhh divine...

41. ROLLING STONES OR BEATLES?
- Both I love both...can't live without music! I know of one Beatles fan who convert to slow tunes after midnite ;p heheee ( u know who u are ;) )

42. WHAT IS THE FURTHEST YOU HAVE BEEN FROM HOME?
- Europe, Holland (Amsterdam, Rotterdam, Vaals, Spikenisse...etc), Belgium (Oostende) and Italy (Rome & Vatican City)

43. DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT?
- I have very strong instinct, in fact i know what you did last summer! A-haaaaaa got cha! Does counting tiles counts? ;p

44. WHERE WERE YOU BORN?
- Tawau, on my mum's maternity bed!

45. WHOSE ANSWERS ARE YOU LOOKING FORWARD TO GETTING BACK?
- Whom ever i can get hold of ;) and make it fast! Pronto heheee ( what? Hitler was my mentor! )

p/s: a lot more people i wanna tag but they hardly open their fb...so people good luck ;) those have written their notes earlier, this is my response heheee.....sorry for the delay ;)

What a Good Sleep meant to me :)

2010-07-19T16:40:00.006+08:00

Walla! To finally have a few good hours sleep after a cranky sleeping pattern, i woke up fresh!

I was driving my mum and myself to the market today, at about 4 am...thinking to myself when do i ever gonna have a normal life with my sleeping pattern this way? The minute everybody starts going out from their house to go to work, i for one go to bed. By the time they finished work, life just begin for me for the day.

Well to date, i managed to beat the sleeping pills part...but i wanna be able to sleep like anyone else for once in my life...it cost me my health and my life...when will this stop? Honestly, i don't know.

For once, i would like to go to bed at 9pm or maybe 10pm or maybe 11pm the latest and get a really good at least 5 hours sleep....everyday i woke up feeling sluggish and noticing the sign of aging is all over my face and body...i want to be normal. I really do.

I woke up just now having feeling a little disoriented, as my usual result of having "daymares" ( nightmares, but since it was this afternoon then i took the liberty to change it bahahaaa)....i just want to be normal like anybody else.

Well, i have to go to fetch my mo from the kopitiam in a while, i'll see u guys tonite...if i'm in my "vampire mode" again.... mwahhhh

Yours Truly,
Matahari

My Car?

2010-07-17T23:11:00.003+08:00

I'm running out of idea here, Not about what to write but i really miss my CAR!!

Eversince mummy hijacked my car, i'm left with on my two feet, and it's saturday! My supposedly designated driver has gone MIA again, probabbly snoring her heart out heee, i guessed that master feng shui was right about me...i'm a chariot, i decide where i go, not wait for others to show me the way nor to fetch me, tsk tsk tsk.....how true ;)

I guess a van will be on my chrismas list this year, for mummy NOT me, as i really love my car. I have been driving it for pheww...10 years now and still it's in excellent condition, fully paid :D

I remembered the time when i first saw it, man... it was love at first sight bahahaaaa....i couldn't sleep for few days, thinking about it...saying to myself, I MUST HAVE IT! NO MATTER WHAT!

Then after i couldn't bear it any longer, i took my ex fiance to the showroom and pointed it to him, THIS IS WHAT I WANT! No words can describe how bad i wanted that car that time. It was like we're destined to be together hehe...my "soulmate" bahahaaaa...seriously!

Have you guys ever felt this...where you couldn't sleep because of having ur mind preoccupied with missing someone, that's what happened ;) Call me crazy, that's how i felt about something or someone i really liked. Yeah, my infamous crush....remember the story i told you guys about my first crush with "Omar Sharif"? Something like that...

Weird eh? But that's just who i am, a ittle eccentric on the side ;) Ohh...i totally forgotten to thanked Big B and her mom for bringing me my favourite soft shell crab! Yayyyyyy...which reminds me, i have to go and reheat it in the oven...because i'm hungry now :) i'll see you guys tomorrow perhaps ;) and P.S. Miz Guzdur if you're reading this ( i know you do.... sneaky hehe) Bon Voyage for tomorrow ;) Sweet dreams :D

Yours truly,
Matahari

July 17th The One with The Rain...again!

2010-07-17T14:46:00.005+08:00

At this very exact moment, my earphone screaming "You'll have to cry me out" (well ok, that's the chorus lyrics of my current REPEAT MODE song...don't ask me how long it's been on repeat..i lost track myself hehe)

I guessed July's never really a happy month for me, but for some reason i don't feel as sad and scared as i used to be. Could it be...a turning point? Perhaps new life circle? I don't know, but what i do know now... i smoke less, i can sleep more than 3 hours, i no longer need antibiotics since early July until today, i'm in contact with some of my old coursemates, my old schoolmates, i have less grey hair (bad antibiotics!!!), i've watch about 30 dvds, i read my past issues of my abandoned magazines, some new books (motivationals mostly and some novels yayyyyyy), i get my other best friend (another ex schoolmates) to finally agree with me to make a small step of beautifying herself (her infamous eyebrows!!!), i finally tell the truth about another best friend of mine about her loved ones (which was a little chaotic at that time, but all is good now...trust me!)

P.S. Sorry love, to put u guys in such a difficult moment but I'm not sorry for telling u the truth and being a real friend.)

Ok, i think i stopped breathing there for a while....continue ~ hehe...Did i mentioned that 10 days from now, it's gonna be 14th years my father's passing annyversary? It's hard to finally say goodbye to my "waiting by the staircase with my favourite book" denial moment. My infamous denial syndrome which have been with me most of my childhood years thru my teen years and finally now....A big relief? Yes and No, to be honest.

A new friend whom i met in FB yesterday told me about his "rain moment" and hey, i'm not the only one at last! When he mentioned about how the rain reminds him about Lady D's passing, his childhood and his (well i assume...old flame) Miss Ex collegemate ...i wondered, are there anymore out there suffering from this "rain syndrome"? Could it be just because of the weather or because it's hard for us to let go of something so painful which took place during this weather?

It's a blessing really that this year we experience dry early of the year followed by very wet and humid mid year. Or else i won't be able to be face to face with my most feared weather...as they say, practice makes purrrfect!

Eversince the rainy season started, i've been at home most of the time, leaving my kopitiam in the mercy of my mom ( please God, don't let my staff chicken out when they have to face the wrath of her bahahaha) where i've been sick because lack of rest (don't get me wrong, the kopitiam's not that busy...it's my mind that can't shut down sometimes...) planning and contemplating about pros and cons regarding something which i need to do.

There were times, where i totally shut myself out from the rest of the world (this includes, the curtains, doors, handphones, newspapers etc...) for me to keep my mind blank even for an hour. If i'm not mistaken, this is pure schizophrenia! Bahahaaa.... After doing some research of which catagory does i fall under, out of 5 (Paranoid, Disorganized, Catatonic/Mood disorders, Undifferenciated and Residual) I think mine will be under my own catagory.....so to speak ;)

i'm exaggerating again innit ;) , told ya! Anyway.... Miss BigB dropped by earlier, had a chat about what happen recently, where i almost destroyed her love life for telling her about the truth about what i think of her beau. Never ever asked me about my opinion if you guys can't handle the truth, my word of advise! When people warned you guys about how lethal and dangerous my words and my thoughts can be, you better believe it.

I believe in NOT sparing any single details if it means that the person can put every puzzles into places, to help the person spare him/herself from agony. So be careful...be very careful...hehe.

I suddenly feel very tired and my mind is blank and light (in a good way..tho) I guessed, that's a good sign for me to take an hour or so rest then maybe who knows, i might write again later.

Yeah i know some of u miss hearing my nonsenses, but this princess need her "Sleeping beauty moment" ...i'll leave u guys with my REPEAT MODE SONG ( I have been looking for this song eversince i heard it 29th may when i was in KL, finally i found it when i was half as sleep on my sofa at home over the TV.....I tot i was dreaming!!!!!).....Pixie Lott ;) ~ "Cry Me Out"...have a beautiful rainy saturday people....P.S. Princess singing " You'll have to cry me out ~" suddenly i need a good hug...sighhhhh ......Bon jour, Mon cheri!

Sincèrement, toujours
Le soleil ;)

Pixie Lott ~ Cry Me Out

The One with Mommy & Cake

2010-07-07T00:29:00.004+08:00

Happy Birthday Mom!

Was with my family on the July, 5th... celebrating my mom's birthday. It was a small dinner with my brother, makcik, my mom, Mr Yazz, San- san and me. At first i wanted to do a barbeque dinner at home, but when i think of the smokey house plus the amount of works preparing for food and etc...nah forget it..hehee i know i'm a bad daughter, always have, always been!!!!

In a way, i'm glad because since the last big fall out with my mom...things have been progressing...in a good way that is, slowly i think she's strying to win me back...just on my part i'm a bit sceptical on what's the real reason behind all this being nice all of a sudden but....it's ok we'll see how it goes.

At this moment, i just wanna drop everything on my shoulder and take a long break from the shop....calm myself down, don't wanna think about anything except myself....for this time, i just wanna be selfish. I wanna make myself ready, really relax nothing what so ever can take this time....just for me.

i am constantly having headache and being sick lately...so i'll have to be in charge with my health this time, be it mentally or physically...i wanna live longer, happy, healthy and most of all living well...not for show to those "people" but for me.

For now, i just want to let things out from my chest that, there are some "people" i blocked from certain features on my facebook recently as i honestly think that no use of keeping them as my FB "friend's list" as it serve no purpose to me. I define purpose here as, seing their face on my FB list felt like a pain on my neck (yeah i'm a bit wiser now on choosing my choice of word....i should have make it a little more rude but that's not me.) Well to that lucky "people" you know who you are...

I wasn't on my FB mood recently after my favourite team lost, sighhh Argentina....what can i say....except, Gather all your strength ARGENTINA....until the next World Cup!!!

An ex boyfriend of a very close friend, blocked me off FB. I come to realised about it when i was about to reply his email in my FB inbox. Well just to be fair....I BLOCKED him too....so there, nice life to you, goodbye ;) This is what i mean by, "you're just a delete away" bahahaaaaaa....Welcome to my world !!!

I know, this is the mean side of me, but i actually don't care, see me or love me for who I am, not only when i'm being nice...this is reality and I'm not proud of what i did, but at least now you guys know that i'm NO SAINT. I do have my "evil moments"...and this is one of it......hah!

I would love to be nice all the time, but the one person i can't never dissapoint or lie to is me...to please me very simple....just be yourself, never ever try to be someone you're not. And i really hate fake people...i repeat, i hate fake people, those who always to please people but at the back....different story. That i can't never tolerate.

I guessed i come to a point where nothing else matter, except pleasing myself, my case that is. Just being grumpy lately..when things don't go my way. I really want a house but the owner refused to sign the sales and purchase agreement, so resulting to all these.....so lesson of the day, when things don't go Irene's way....stay far far away....BAHAHAHHAH...better still RUN!!!!

Hmm...the best relationship i have so far will be with myself, where if i do argue with myself...and after i calm down finally....i still managed to laugh at myself then later forgive myself and get on with things.....i don't know do i even bother blogging this all out? Self expression? well that's what this blog is all about...incase you miss the BIG TITLE....sigh....I'm bored guessed i'll better put on that bags of DVD i bought earlier this evening....maybe it'll do me good, before i spoiled someone else's mood :D hugsss people.....do as i say, but don't do what i do ok ;) MWAHHHHH!!!

Yours truly,
Matahari

The One with Self Taught

2010-06-29T00:36:00.003+08:00

"It is better to be hated for what you are than to be loved for what you are not."

Well ladies and gentlemen... i am for one, a firm believer on this. I'd rather be cast out from a group for being myself than tagged along but feel unhappy and feel miserable about something which easily can be avoided.

Yes, i talk a lot and Yes, i think too much. I can't be lesser than what or who i already am. A Snob? Never was... but highly opinionated, Yes! I am still learning and will always seek something new to learn and to explore and these are those things that kept me going.

Every corner or every bump kept reminding me where i stand and kept reminding me how far i have been in life...still, i constantly kept it to myself that, i'm here temporarily and i try my very best to keep it real. Regardless of what others said.

If some of you who's not very open, you might think that i'm very defensive, all i can say is Yes and No...it's actually depending on the situation, like i mentioned earlier...highly opinionated hehe...I like to argue on both side, pros and cons....and because i said earlier too...i'm learning and always be a learner...in life.

I like a lot of things in life, music, paintings, books, everything that life can offer...but most of all...i like observing people, the eyes, the walk, the gestures...everything about human being fasinates me. Human being are like puzzles....if you know the base of the puzzles...99 percent of the puzzle board is solved! Only if the puzzle board comes with a twist ....if you know what i mean..hehe

Today, i feel happy for doing some good deed to a close friend of mine, actually she's doing me a favour with my work related issues...i really want to see her happy. If it means that transforming her looks and giving her new hope everytime, then be it.

For once, i wanna see her smile again, because she have been wearing black for most of her life. And i really wanna her to find that Great Love that she's been looking for all these while.

A simple girl with a complicated life story.....Lord, please grant me this wish that i can make a difference in others, to be able to lead them when they are in darkness and to bring light in their lives and still live a happy life. Amen. Sweet dreams all...HUGSSSSS

Yours truly, Matahari

Sex and The City Quotes....The Memorable ones ;)

2010-06-27T19:06:00.007+08:00

“Later that day I got to thinking about relationships. There are those that open you up to something new and exotic, those that are old and familiar, those that bring up lots of questions, those that bring you somewhere unexpected, those that bring you far from where you started, and those that bring you back. But the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you can find someone to love the you you love, well, that's just fabulous.”

“When you're young, your whole life is about the pursuit of fun. Then, you grow up and learn to be cautious. You could break a bone or a heart. You look before you leap and sometimes you don't leap at all because there's not always someone there to catch you. And in life, there's no safety net. When did it stop being fun and start being scary?”

“Maybe mistakes are what make our fate... without them what would shape our lives? Maybe if we had never veered off course we wouldn't fall in love, have babies, or be who we are. After all, things change, so do cities, people come into your life and they go. But it's comforting to know that the ones you love are always in your heart... and if you're very lucky, a plane ride away”

“Maybe some women aren't meant to be tamed. Maybe they just need to run free til they find someone just as wild to run with them.”

“Maybe all men are a drug. Sometimes they bring you down and sometimes, like now, they get you so high."”

“You men have no idea what we're dealing with down there. Teeth placement, and jaw stress, and suction, and gag reflex, and all the while bobbing up and down, moaning and trying to breathe through our noses. Easy? Honey, they don't call it a job for nothin'.”

“I will never be the woman with the perfect hair, who can wear white and not spill on it.”

“Are there some women put in the world just to make you feel bad about yourself?”

“But the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you can find someone to love the you you love, well, that's just fabulous.”

“It's really hard to walk in a single woman's shoes -- that's why you sometimes need really special shoes!”

“It takes half the amount of time you dated someone to get over them.”

“I admit it's tempting to wish for the perfect boss - the perfect parent - or the perfect outfit. But maybe the best any of us can do is not quit, play the hand we've been dealt, and accessorize what we've got.

“I'm thinking balls are to men what purses are to women. It's just a little bag, but we feel naked in public without it.

“From my experience, honey, if he seems too good to be true—he probably is.

“I don't believe in the Republican party or the Democratic party. I just believe in parties.

“I had often fantasized about running into my ex and his wife. But in those fantasies, I was running over them with a truck.”

“Don't you want to stand still with me?”

“The only thing worse than a liar is a bad liar.

“The only thing that I have ever successfully made in the kitchen is a mess. And several little fires.

“She can reach me, but I can't ever get her.

The One with Total Serenity...

2010-06-27T01:14:00.005+08:00

After been sick most of the time these past few months, i come to one conclusion that i really need a break..physically and mentally from all my surroundings. That includes my close circle of friends, well the happy ones though...

I think i spent more than a thousand ringgit on medication alone recently, my mind been working over time and my concern is .... i have only me to depend upon if anything were to happen.

To some of close friends, i'm sorry i won't be able to attend to you while you're in a total darkness at the moment....I need to sort out a few missing details in my life. If only you guys can have an insight of what's happening in my brain right now.

1001 things but don't know where to start. This time i'm writing in to just update on what's happening, for sure...i'm ok. Just need to rest from all the huuhaa...No heart break this time..more on where to head, next!

Was on the phone with che che nong for about an hour earlier....and the dark cloud seems lesser now and typing a few sentence in my blog now seems much easier than earlier this morning....

My mood now sounds more like this coming video by Maxim....so i bid you all sweet dreams and happy listening... :)

Maxim ~ Somewhere in Time

Yours truly, Matahari

The One With Over Indulgence!

2010-06-15T02:46:00.010+08:00

Ahhhh....finally a time to sit back and blog ;)

Well, after that very dissapointing Harvest Queen result...(i'm not one of the judges..so don't look at me :p !) I was actually away for the first time in years....away from Kota Kinabalu during Kaamatan day.

I was in KL from the 29th of May till the 3rd of June....but i was sick all the way..up to a point even lost my voice to sore throat! Yeah it was SALES SALES SALES all the way in KL but i was SICK SICK SICK all the time!!! ARGHHHHH!!!!

Luckily, Gucci was having BIG SALES that time :D!!! So that put my spirit high again....tho i didnt find the supposedly Dream Gucci Bag....i managed to get me my very own white Gucci bag and purse for a very good deal YAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!

And here's she heeeeeeeeeeeeeeee :D !!!

I totally forgotten to mentioned Royale Chulan Kuala Lumpur, where i stayed for the past 5 nights....new hotel i must say, but really nice place to be, where Pavillion is only less than 5 minutes walk ;) heeeeeee! (sorry about the picture guys....donno what happen to it....sighhhh....anyway)

As you can see, i upgraded my so called 'stone aged phone' to BB...guess which one is mine? heheeeee......the other one belonged to Miss Big B!!!

Anyway, all the shopping this month doesn't make me feel as good as i wanted...because uncle B was right about one thing that, no matter how...."if it rains...it's me who's gonna get the impact" and he was darned right about it....

In my heart now, i wish that i can do something about it....question: can't i at least enjoy this moment without feeling guilty? Don't i deserved to spend a tiny amount of time and money to make myself happy? I just need a break...can't i just indulged in something that i know i always dreamed off all these while but never got a chance to do it...because i was busy doing things for the benefit of others?

No, today i'm not gonna feel guilty for something that i deserve....I deserves all these after what i do for others....i'm not asking for sympathy vote nor do i want to feel bad because i spend the money that others dream of saving....I DESERVE THIS FOR ME!!!! I'm sorry if others didn't get a chance to do it....while i still can, i'm gonna spend what i want, while i still can. And i feel good about it!!! DAMN GOOD!!! Not bragging about it...just simply sharing about what makes me feel good....that's all.....

And for the record, I'm thankful that you're always reminding me about what the future's gonna be for me, on how it'll look like IF i screw it up....AGAIN....but this time, i'm gonna stop worrying about it and plan things my way....because at the end of it...it's me who's gonna alter my destiny, trust me...i won't repeat the same mistake others did....or what i did in the past......i know what i want and WIN OR LOSE i hold the key to my destiny....no one else....PERIOD!

Happy Belated birthday, me...i'm all grown up now, wiser....and i'll do the best i can to be the best version of me!

The One Where It Requires Me Being The Judge...

2010-05-23T03:26:00.006+08:00

Well well....it's been ages since i posted something in here...ah well, here goes ;)

It was last wednesday (may 19th) where... i was invited for the second time as one of the judge (forgive me, my english sucks as always, plus it's 3.31 am now and i can't sleep!!!) for my hometown "Tadau Kaamatan" (Harvest Festival).

All i can say, it was an honour to be one of the person trusted to select the best "Winner" to represent my hometown, Tuaran / Sulaman. Yes, i am a serious judge, no joke!

The thing i hate the most is when people start calling me the soonest they know about me being one of the judge, and asking me to choose their relatives or cousins or friends. It's a big embarassment for me to choose someone based on so and so told me to do so. I was being very polite when i told them, "I will do my best" with a smile. I think next time, i should say..."would you like it if i choose other people's relatives just because they told me to give high marks? Where your relatives were the one who should be wearing the crown?".

I have brain and i choose the best among the best, or else...don't bother inviting me as one of the panel judges! I may sound cocky but i'm being myself, for me no point in entering a contest if your goal is to make a fool of yourself. I'm a proud lotud! And i want whoever representing Tuaran, will bring back the crown this year! Period!

To those future contestant, my advice will be :

1. never ever let other people force you into participating in something which you have no interest in. You choose for yourself to be in the pageant competition, you should know what you're getting yourself into.

2. preparation wise, make sure your costume, make up and hair do are all ready and always have a back up plan, just incase....every detail counts

3. practice makes perfect.

4. always believe in yourself, especially when u're on the stage....don't make a fool of yourself in front of the crowd...make urself outstanding from the rest, but not in the foolish way!

5. beat that stage fright if you wanna win! No judge will give you marks based on pity marks, specially not from me. How do you expect to win by behaving like a loser on stage?

6. give it ur best shot at whatever you do, be it presenting yourself, singing or even at photo shoot sessions. then you can say to yourself, you give your best, the rest is up to the judges...

Last but not least, always be friendly to others. people will remember you, even your surname for that...

To all the aspiring Unduk Ngadau out there, it's an once in a life time experience ....i use to be a tomboy-ish girl....who make fun of all the beauty pageant contestant because of how foolish they projected themselves on stage, until i became one of the contestant parading on stage (which was out of betting with one of my beloved cousin..sighhhh long story...) So i know what i'm talking about...

The day this ugly duckling (that'll be me ;) ) became a swan in her own pond, was the best day of my life! I'm proud to have started a "trend" altho that time, it wasn't as perfect as the ones i saw recently, at least ...now i can see all of the Tuaran contestant "shines" on stage!!! That was the ultimate goal!!!

Altho i didn't managed to bring the crown back for my hometown that year, it turned my life 360 degrees in term of self confidence and it changed me to be the person you see me today. And i have to thanked my cousin for that, for always believing in me and the overdued thanks to all my supporter that time....for supporting me, i'll always treasure that memory.... The best day ever!!! That day i say to myself, it doesnt matter that i didn't get to win the crown as the Harvest Queen, what matter the most was, I'm the Queen of heart to all the supporters and audience, and hell....i give it my best shot! And i'm proud to show to all that this is one hell of an Unduk Ngadau, very very rare species, indeed!!

I have a feeling that Ledesma Steven will win the state level crown this year!!! Go Tuaran / Sulaman!!! Make us proud!!!

Kotobian Tadau Tagayo Do Kaamatan!!!

Yours truly,

Matahari '96 ;)

The One With Loneliness

2010-05-05T17:12:00.004+08:00

Last saturday, I don't know what got into me... i suddenly felt like i'm the only human being alive in the whole universe.....the loneliness was extremely unbearable....

Could it be, I'm trying too hard to reach out to be heard? Honestly...i don't know...as i was sitting outside the balcony looking out, i realised something that, i finally understood why some people willing to accept their partner's mistakes and willingly closed one eye...just so that they have someone by their side....so they are not lonely....

Then it brought me to another question....can i live with that? Honestly, i don't know....

That particular morning, i really wanted to be be heard, be it small talk...or simply bitching about something...main important thing was...i don't feel like being alone that particular saturday....so i did the usual unthinkable...i called up all my friends..the usual one ;) to my disapointment...none of them answered. Well obviously it was a holiday. plus some havent even wake up from their beautiful dream ;)

I kept calling until i cant think of another number to dial..then i said to myself... "God, tell me....who is this person that you've sent to ease my loneliness...i really am lonely now and i wanna know...." Soonest after that, my phone rang! And he was definately a blast from the past!!!! Someone whom i thought i can just leave, but never really left me whenever i'm in trouble....D :)

Regret for letting him go? Nope....but it was indeed a beginning of something more wonderful than it ever was....A Higher level of understanding about life on my part....and missing me terribly on his part :)

Sometimes....things happened for a reason....now i fully embrace the whole sentence....and fully embracing my loneliness and turning it into something wonderful, to the eyes of others, it's barely a relationship.. so to speak....to me, it's a bond that no one can ever break... and this is how sure i am with the whole thing that has been happening lately....as if everything that happened...brings us closer than we could ever imagined.

I embrace the whole meaning of loneliness and felt happy in a way, lonely doesn't mean that i'm totally alone, it's just that sometimes, it makes the heart grew fonder (in my case, not yet in love AGAIN...but the thought of someone thinking about me, in such way...the feeling is like listening to a beautiful melody in a sunny morning with a cup of coffee...content....yup that makes me happy!!!!

.....Soulmate? You tell me..... :)