Sunday, September 20, 2009

Reaching The Unreachable...

Menggapai Impian

Today's the first day of Hari Raya, and i'm still up thinking as usual, about a lot of things...mainly about life.

Earlier on, on the raya eve.... i had dinner with my family (mum, sister in law/ Vince, nephews/abby & avin) and my close friends ( Mem, Che Che D, Em & Sam)....the soonest i'm back at home, i suddenly felt and realise... how empty my house is...almost as empty as my heart...

After leaving Kinabalu Annex, and before heading home....i drove to the bank and i decided to roam around KK afterward, just to get a hang of that Raya Fever this wasnt as jammed as few days back...where people rushing to buy new clothes and some other things for their family and loved ones....

Me? Let's just say, this year i don't feel the urge of buying clothes for myself...instead i told myself maybe it's time for me to get some clothes for the less unfortunate and the people that was left behind by their own family...

A few days mom was telling me about a homeless guy she hired to look after our family house back in our hometown. Jeff, that was his name. Before hiring him full time, to look after the house, my mom used to hire him part time to do some gardening and farm work for our family home backyard.

Little that i know, Jeff, was asked to leave his family house because his mother thought of him as a burden to his family, because he's actually mentally retarded since birth.

Now, you tell me..what's wrong with the world now adays? Doesn't the word sympathy have any meaning anymore? What happen to helping the less unfortunate?

I'm definately not a millionaire at this moment, but if it can make a less unfortunate person to smile when they get a plate of rice or a new clothes....i don't mind at all... maybe to us it's cheap but for them it's A NEW CLOTHES! Some of them can't even afford to buy a piece of underwear!

From what i heard, Jeff's relatives felt embarassed because he had to stay with us at our family home store house instead of staying with them...but if they have brain they would have offered him a place to stay on the first place!

I was with mom at Giant CityMall and i had to practically tricked mom into coming with me to find Jeff a pair of new clothes. I felt really happy when i imagined how he would react when he sees his new shirt and pants...i secretly hope i can buy a mini radio for him so he can listens to songs over the radio. Imagine that he never watched television, have no friends to talk to, his only friend is his 15 ringgit handphone sized heart breaks into pieces when i try to imagine living in his shoes....

I always believe, even animals you can train..and this is a living human being we're talking about here....altho he's mentally retarded, he's a human being for god sake! Have mercy!!!!

I wish i could do a lot more...for now, i just do my best to do some small things and see how it'll go from there...I'm sure Jeff will turn out to be a better person dispite his less fortunate upbringing. I secretly wish that, one fine day his family will finally sees him as person who's indipendent far better off than those junkies, who are well equipped with healthy brain but didn't see how lucky they are! And i secret wish that one fine day, Jeff will find a girl to settle down and have a family with....

May he finds what he's looking for in life....Selamat Hari Raya....

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

I Owe It to Miz Whitney!!

Yesterday, there was something I couldn't let off from my chest...

I came back from Tawau yesterday and i've been trying to reach out to some of my closes friends...but that too didn't do any good....end up... i came home about almost 5 am this morning still with heavy hearted feeling, but sober...not a single drop of alcohol (i'm secretly proud of myself plus the fact that i've a damaged liver helps too haaaa)

I woke up about 10 am this this morning, still looking for something to help me get it off of my chest....finally while browsing thru You Tube (Thank You God for You Tube and internet...i don't how my life would be without these two...phewww!!) At first, i was really looking for something hardcore stuff (don't get me not into those PORN Stuff!! So PERVERTS, BACK OFF!!!!) Grudge or heavy metal release all these negative vibes i've been carrying since yesterday...then it hit me!

Why look for heavy metal stuff when all these while, whenever i'm down the only best friend i can always look for something wise and inspirational was featured a few days back on E News!!! WHITNEY HOUSTON!!!

So I quickly googled and there she was....on singing her heart out on her interview with Oprah about her come back to showbiz after missing for more than 7 years.....all i can say, after looking for a song titled : I Look To You and I Didn't Know My Own Strength boy, that does it.....IT POURS LIKE RAIN! Phew and i feel good! Damn Good again!!!!! And me eating me favourite Honey Stars while, me typing me blog, just about now heeeeeeeeeeee.......did anyone said ice cream? ;p

Ok, will talk about this later...first let me go to see my babies....BRB don't go anywhere ;)

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Wedding Song Collection : Misha Omar ~ Destiny

I heard this song when i met the dark and tall mysterious guy ;)

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

Wedding Song Collection : Lisa Standsfield ~ Somewhere My Baby Waits For Me

This is another sweet and beautiful wedding song! I found it while looking for a new song to put on my music blog ( ) here's Lisa singing...Somewhere my baby waits for me.....

My life is through but I have no doubt
Someday I'll meet that someone I've dreamed about
He may live around the globe far across the sea
But somewhere my baby waits for me
The moment that I see him, my heart will know
Then I won't wait to tell him I love him so
He'll be mine to have and hold for whole eternity
Yeah, somewhere my baby waits for me
Oh, somewhere my baby waits for me

When I see lovers passing
I don't feel blue
I know the things they're feeling I'll be feeling too
I don't know where I'll meet him, I don't know when
I only know that someday my search will end
One fine day I'll turn around and there he will be
Yeah, somewhere my baby waits for me

He may live around the globe far across the sea
But somewhere my baby waits for me
Oh, somewhere my baby waits for me

The Word : Mother

At this moment, i'm asking myself..what does a real mother do for her children?

As a child, all i ever wanted was an acknowledgement from my mom, that i exist... that i'm doing all the thing within my reach, my capabality to change some of the thing in our life that during my childhood time my brother and i never been able to that wrong?

Today, infact the whole time ever since she was around....i have a been carrying this weight down my heart...sometimes i swear to you, i felt like a knife shoved down my throat and heart..and she did this on purpose ...everytime....

I do not enjoyed being compared to my brother because he and me are two different people altho we're from the same root...but we are two complete different individual...

Please stop doing that! I have been trying really hard to just ignored the hurtful things being thrown at me, sometimes i just have to swallowed it....but this time i think i had enough.

All i ever want is a single word of encouragement.
Why do YOU hate me that much?
Do i remind You of someone?
Haven't i done all the things that YOU wanted me as a daughter to do..and look where did i end up?
When can i ever feel that i belonged to OUR family, without feeling like an outkast?
Why can't i feel being as special as YOUR son?
Why do i always have to listen to all YOUR advice when we both know it's not applicable to my life now?
Why do YOU always make me feel small and unworthy of YOUR attention?

I feel sick with all these never ending questions.....

I do not have to obey all the advice to move forward in life
I deserved to be happy after the BIG BREAK UP!
I don't have to shoulder any more of the " DRAMA MOMENTS" you always throw at me...making me feel like it's all my fault!
I for once want a life of my own, incase you forgot, i'm 34!
I've spent a lifetime to find my direction in life ever since i moved out from home!
I no longer want to be confused by all those drama....I'm a human being and i have feeling!
I do not wish to be your punching bag for the rest of my life....
I deserved to be happy and to feel like i'm your daughter....
Can't you see, all i want from you is to feel loved by you?
To finally feel like i have a mother, instead of being your mother?

I wanna know how it felt, to be able to have a heart to heart talk with my mother.
To enjoy a fine afternoon having coffee and just talk about life without being pissed off at for being honest.
For being me.....

Open your eyes before it's too late.....
See that i'm here right infront of you...with an open arms waiting for you to finally embrace me as your daughter....
Other people sees me, why cant you?
I'm not a difficult person to your eyes and your mind....
I forgive you.....but you just need to forgive yourself and learn to move on....
Because we can never change the past....all we can do is to learn from it and move regrets!

I'm here for you.....
Your Daughter, Always