The Word : Mother

At this moment, i'm asking myself..what does a real mother do for her children?

As a child, all i ever wanted was an acknowledgement from my mom, that i exist... that i'm doing all the thing within my reach, my capabality to change some of the thing in our life that during my childhood time my brother and i never been able to enjoy....is that wrong?

Today, infact the whole time ever since she was around....i have a been carrying this weight down my heart...sometimes i swear to you, i felt like a knife shoved down my throat and heart..and she did this on purpose ...everytime....

I do not enjoyed being compared to my brother because he and me are two different people altho we're from the same root...but we are two complete different individual...

Please stop doing that! I have been trying really hard to just ignored the hurtful things being thrown at me, sometimes i just have to swallowed it....but this time i think i had enough.

All i ever want is a single word of encouragement.
Why do YOU hate me that much?
Do i remind You of someone?
Haven't i done all the things that YOU wanted me as a daughter to do..and look where did i end up?
When can i ever feel that i belonged to OUR family, without feeling like an outkast?
Why can't i feel being as special as YOUR son?
Why do i always have to listen to all YOUR advice when we both know it's not applicable to my life now?
Why do YOU always make me feel small and unworthy of YOUR attention?

I feel sick with all these never ending questions.....

I do not have to obey all the advice to move forward in life
I deserved to be happy after the BIG BREAK UP!
I don't have to shoulder any more of the " DRAMA MOMENTS" you always throw at me...making me feel like it's all my fault!
I for once want a life of my own, incase you forgot, i'm 34!
I've spent a lifetime to find my direction in life ever since i moved out from home!
I no longer want to be confused by all those drama....I'm a human being and i have feeling!
I do not wish to be your punching bag for the rest of my life....
I deserved to be happy and to feel like i'm your daughter....
Can't you see, all i want from you is to feel loved by you?
To finally feel like i have a mother, instead of being your mother?

I wanna know how it felt, to be able to have a heart to heart talk with my mother.
To enjoy a fine afternoon having coffee and just talk about life without being pissed off at for being honest.
For being me.....

Open your eyes before it's too late.....
See that i'm here right infront of you...with an open arms waiting for you to finally embrace me as your daughter....
Other people sees me, why cant you?
I'm not a difficult person to understand....open your eyes and your mind....
I forgive you.....but you just need to forgive yourself and learn to move on....
Because we can never change the past....all we can do is to learn from it and move on...no regrets!


I'm here for you.....
Your Daughter, Always
Matahari