Friday, December 16, 2011


I can't sleep!

I wish I could write a play and tell the whole world my story exactly like it is. Tonight, i feel like half of me is dead. Called it drama, i don't care.

Have you ever felt that you're at the right time and at the right place? Even if it's on the oddest place to even imagined it?

Have you ever felt that even by doing the right thing, it felt so wrong? And it's not supposed to be that way?

Well that was my story, a place and time that only i know exist...only i know it's real and only i know.

If i were to describe the whole experience in my own word, i should say... finally i have dived into the unknown and felt what sunk in meant. "Drowned in my own tears as what Bon Jovi
put it in his song, "I'll Be There For You"

Dear God, i am grateful for the time that you have permit me to be with that beautiful soul...i am grateful that You have given me a chance to tell that beautiful soul that I exist... I am grateful that You granted me my wish on how it taste to be in that Once in A Life Time Love feeling...

Yours Truly,
Lifeless Matahari.

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

December 2011

At this moment, i am writing, at the same time smiling watching my nephew (Abbey) sleeping and snoring loudly. It does not bother me at all.

This school holiday, i felt privileged...truly honored for being given a chance to be his "Surrogate Mum". You guys must be wondering, why?

Honestly, i am NEVER a big fan when it comes to "baby sitting". Yes, I do like looking at those big eyes, the two small set of front teeth...and i extremely love hearing the honest baby's priceless...i just don't like the part of trying to calm a cranky baby, because i don't know what they want exactly.

It scares the hell out of me whenever they accidently make that wrong turn and bumped their head somewhere, or swallowed any foreign object which they are not supposed to and end up having tummy ache and what not.....sighhhh

Luckily, my nephew (Abbey) now is 14 years old. When i hear his voice recently over the phone after haven't been hearing him for almost 6 months...i got a shock! His voice now becoming deeper and huskier....and my God, he got pimples!

I enjoy my day today with my nephew, where i get to spend some quality time with him and explain slowly to him of the process of transformation from a little boy to being a teenager boy.

Boy, I was so happy! At least those Parenting seminar which i attended some years back, comes in handy. Of course i add a little "Matahari's touch", so next time when they get to sit down with their kids they can do better than what i did.

I was explaining to my nephew about why my approach to both of them are different, compared to his mom's side of the family. That i was so use to growing up without having a father figure, and so does his daddy. We actually don't know what an actual daddy should behave or how an actual mum should behave infront of his/her kids.

So i will just be his friend, instead of being that old aunt. I told him, i don't believe in setting too many rules and regulations on how he should behave infront of me ... all i asked is to think and always put himself in others shoes first before he does something.

I was so glad that this school holiday, he called me despite what happened between my mum and his mum.... he chooses to be with me despite of all the restrictions set by his mom side of grandparents.

He chooses to be with me. Just that, full stop. (Smiling and teary at the same time...sighhhh Drama Queen..LOL)

Honestly i get a little emotional over small things like this...for me, is the thought that counts. At first, i kinda find it a little annoying when he non stop asking me about a lot of things....slowly as i observed him... it hit me, he was actually trying his very best of getting my attention.

I don't know why, ever since he was a baby...i felt a special bond with this little guy. I kinda felt it whenever he's in trouble or simply whenever he misses me...i simply have a thought of him and ....i will surely hear it from his mom.

Guessed i found myself a guy after all huh ;) LOL..... Unconditional Love, as... despite me being a terrible "Surrogate Mum" , the unorthodox way of taking care of a child, he chooses to be with me. :)

I think i can sleep now, probably go outside the balcony for a smoke first then off to bed....Buenos noche Peeps ;)

Yours Truly,
Mama Princess :D !

Maxwell ~ Whenever, Wherever, Whatever

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Can't Wait !!!!

Dedicated To those Twilight Saga Fans.....

I'm with you ..... mind, body and soul...I'm so anxious, palm sweating and knee trembling waiting for the Breaking Dawn .....I leave you with one of the first movie theme song....I wonder where is that sexy werewolf, Jacob.....sighhhhh

Yours Truly,
Matahari "Swan" ;)

Iron & Wine ~ Flightless Bird, American Mouth

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Motivated, Deep From Within.....FINALLY!

Those days, i often wonder how does it felt to know that all the stars are aligned and all your wishes almost come true :)

Today, I am where i am supposed to be. At the right time, the right place, the exact spot...writing my blog and all i can say, Thank You God for always listening and for keeping me safe from harm.

In another 2 and a half hours i'm supposed to be at the market, for buying some fresh supply for my little cafe. And i felt all fresh and energized...probably because of listening too much of Charlie Wilson or Nicole Scherzinger :D

But who cares, they make me feel really good as if i'm laying next to a really gorgeous guy right now. (shhh....)

For now i just want to be in touch my long lost denial's been a while me crazy, i just don't give a F***! Before i go further with my french :p i better share this with all of you....because we are all worth it!

For the worried, the stressed, the overwhelmed, the lonely, the displaced, the desperate, the sick, the heartbroken, the confused, the paralyzed, the angry, the lost, the human, I created and offer this meditation. My hope is that reading it, re-reading it when necessary, and passing it on to others will be a powerful and very positive intense experience for you.

I accept responsibility for my human being, because only I am responsible, but I take comfort in and rejoice that I am so much more.
As such:

I am not the circumstances around me.

Where I believe I can make a positive impact on the circumstances, I will try. Where I cannot change circumstances, I will accept that they are so, and how they impact my own circumstances is so. But I will not let them bring me down. Instead I will rise above them, as they are not me.

I am not my money.

And the gain and loss of my money is not me. I respect the good that money can help do, but I also recognize its limitations and how easily it can cause harm to others and to me. I will control my money to the best of my ability, but whether I gain or lose it, I will never let it take control of me.

I am not my possessions.

The material goods in my life include tools that can help me do and achieve things, and ornaments that can make me feel a certain way. But while I may choose to assign symbolic value to some of these things, I realize they are all still mere things, mere dust, but I am so much more.

I am not my job.

I may love the work I do, or my job may only be a stepping-stone, but either way it is still just something I do. It may nourish me, it may help others, but I am now and always will be far greater than the work that I do.

I am not my relationships.

Though they may be the nearest and dearest part of my human life, and though I seek to guide and learn from and share with and stand by them, in our humanness the people I love are not me. I am not the thoughts, hopes, desires, intentions, perceptions nor the actions of my spouse, children, parents, siblings, or friends. I cannot control their thoughts and choices, nor can they control mine. The only control I have is over me.

I am not my emotions.

I may feel joy, excitement, and other positive emotions, and I am grateful when I do. I may feel fear, anger and other challenging emotions, and I accept when I do. But because I am not my emotions, I know that only I have the power to let these emotions linger and influence my thoughts and actions, or to let go of the emotions so they do not.

I am not my actions.

But I am responsible for my actions. Where I have a choice of actions, I can only try my best to make the right choices. And where I make mistakes in my choices, I will acknowledge them, try to learn from them and forgive myself. And I will seek to atone for the impact of my mistakes on others, and seek their forgiveness.

I am not the actions of others that impact me.

I can hope their actions are done with the best of intentions, but I am not responsible if their actions are instead done out of envy, greed, anger, fear or other negative emotions. I am responsible for accepting if they are so, for trying my best to guide, and for forgiving and letting go if they are so. But I am not responsible that they are so.

I am not my body.

I am not my skin, blood and bones. I am not my fat, my baldness, my scars, or my illness. I am not my body’s desires. I am not my appearance. But I accept responsibility for controlling my body’s desires, and I accept responsibility for doing my best to respect my body, as it and it alone is what houses me in this human state.

I am not my genetics.

If a part of my human being is fixed and preordained, I accept both the gifts and challenges I have been given therein. But part of my human being is most certainly driven by choices, and so I will try my best using my wisdom and courage to make the best choices where I am able.

I am not my thoughts.

I recognize that my thoughts have the power to open doors or create barriers for me in this human form, and so I will do my best to manage the direction of my thoughts. But though their range and influence may seem immense, still they are only human thoughts, with human limits, whereas I am unlimited.

I am not my past.

Anything I have done or that has been done is done. I can choose to learn from it, I can choose to atone for it and seek forgiveness for it, and I can choose to cherish it. But I cannot change it, so I will not let it hold me. I will not let time hold me at all, as I am beyond that mere invention. The only moment to do and be is now, so now is where I am.

I am my spirit.

I am that which existed before, during and after this body, these events, these relations, and this place. That which exists beyond time and space.

In my flesh, my thoughts, my choices, my relations, my humanness, I am anything but perfect. But at my core, in my spirit, I am perfect. As we all are.

And though I cherish this human life, and this temporary body and family I am in, and I am committed to trying my best for all others and myself out of that love, I know I have nothing to lose.

Because I have been given the gift of this eternal spirit. Because I am my spirit.

I am pure, I am whole, I am God’s, I am the universe, I am grateful.

I am love.

And I have nothing to fear.

Everything is ultimately good.

And so it will be.

Yours Truly,

Princess Matahari

Charlie Wilson ~ There Goes My Baby

Nicole Scherzinger ft. Will.I.Am~ Baby Love

Sunday, October 30, 2011

Who Am I Meant to Be?

You are a leader: You approach everything as though you were born to be in charge. Confident, assertive, and decisive, you know what you want and you go after it. You also look out for family, friends, and community—you feel you know what's best for them—and have no fear of confronting anyone who challenges your ideas. Taking the driver's seat, you also generously donate time and energy to people and neighborhood projects.

What to watch out for: When you feel threatened, or others refuse to go along with your agenda, you can become confrontational and domineering, sometimes to the point of being dictatorial. Practice letting someone else take charge on occasion. Also try meditation; it can help you be-come more aware of your controlling impulses and ease the anxiety that may be provoking them.

Looking ahead: You discover your purpose when you take control of your environment. For you, finding a decision-making role is key. That could mean anything from producing a play to spearheading a global campaign for something you care about. In work, you're suited for leadership positions in education, government, industry, finance, religious institutions, or politics. But you can find satisfaction anytime you're given the autonomy to do things your own way.

Find careers that match your striving style.

Many people have two or three strong striving styles, and they can all be important in leading you to the person you are meant to be. If you have a few "highest" scores, read each matching description, and see what rings most true.

Striving to help: 15
Striving to be recognized: 15
Striving to be creative: 19
Striving to be spontaneous: 20
Striving to be knowledgeable: 18
Striving to be secure: 14
Striving to be in control: 20

You scored: 15
You are a nurturer: You are caring and supportive in your personal relationships as well as in your job. Unselfish and altruistic by nature, you often anticipate the needs of those around you before they are aware of them. If there is one thing that brings you satisfaction, it's tending to others.

What to watch out for: When you're doing things for people only to feel valued, you can become resentful. And if you sense that your help is not appreciated, you may end up playing the martyr. So before giving your time to everyone else, make sure to take care of yourself (physically, emotionally, and spiritually). And practice waiting until someone asks for help: While you may be able to perceive what a person needs, that doesn't mean she wants you to attend to it.

Looking ahead: It's important for you to be genuinely of service in acknowledged ways. Whether you foster a child, care for an elderly aunt, rescue animals, or support a rock star's career as her personal assistant, look for opportunities where you can help other people or bigger causes. Volunteer work has your name written on it, as do many careers: nursing, teaching, customer service, healing, social work. Don't feel pressured to run the company or lead the project; you may be even more effective as someone's right hand. And you'll likely find working with other people more meaningful than flying solo.

Find careers that match your striving style.

From the October 2009 issue of O, The Oprah Magazine

Back to Top

You scored: 15
You are an achiever: Ambitious, competitive, and hardworking: That's you. With a clear image of who you are, you work tirelessly to make sure your accomplishments are recognized. Your drive for success extends to your family, and you invest a lot of energy in helping them live up to your expectations. Thanks to your knack for diplomacy and abundant charisma, you often inspire others.

What to watch out for: You are prone to becoming a workaholic, slaving away toward success while neglecting your personal life. Because you're driven to gain approval, you can find yourself performing for others like an actor; if you become overly concerned with your image, you end up feeling superficial. To keep your ambition under control, get involved in group activities that require cooperation. Also practice listening to those around you and think about sharing the spotlight from time to time.

Looking ahead: Any career that allows you to scale the ranks and gain recognition, status, even material rewards, lights you up. Actress, entrepreneur, salesperson, politician—you get the picture. And consider balancing your professional challenges with personal ones: Run a 10K, train for a triathlon, compete in a tennis tournament, bike from one end of your state to the other; or join a debate team, play in a poker circle, enter your purebred spaniel in a dog show. Whenever you can win at something, you're happy.

Find careers that match your striving style.

From the October 2009 issue of O, The Oprah Magazine

Back to Top

You scored: 19
You are an artist: You came out of the womb with a paintbrush in your hand. Or maybe it was a flute or a castanet or a fountain pen to go with your poet's imagination. The point is, you're an original, and you know it. Even if you don't have a singular gift, you're drawn to the arts—anything creative, for that matter—and you have a unique way of looking at the world. Your need for depth and authenticity in relationships can lead to both great joy and profound sorrow, depending on whether others reciprocate. You don't care so much about adapting to group or societal expectations; your independence and sharp intuition propel you on your own path.

What to watch out for: When fear of conformity overrides your creativity, you can assume the role of "outsider" or "orphan" and end up feeling alienated. You may even go so far as refusing to vote or pay taxes. This lone-wolf stance might be a defense against feeling vulnerable. Try to be aware that blaming others for your banishment, or pushing away those who want to get close, only makes things worse. Also, dramatizing your emotions can interfere with your creativity.

Looking ahead: As long as you genuinely express yourself, you feel like the person you were meant to be. How you do it is irrelevant. A chef or architect can be as much of an artist as a painter or sculptor. Many advertising and public relations executives are also highly imaginative. Beyond work, there are opportunities everywhere you look to coax out your inner artist: Design your own jewelry line, create an innovative blog, dream up a comic strip. Relationships are another avenue for self-expression.

Find careers that match your striving style.

From the October 2009 issue of O, The Oprah Magazine

Back to Top

You scored: 20
You are an adventurer: Action-oriented, curious, outgoing, and often technically gifted, you live for new experiences. You are drawn to risk-taking and aren't afraid to fail. Generally restless, you tend to job-hop or choose a field that offers constant novelty. If you had to name your favorite place, it might be the center of attention—you're a born entertainer, and can easily adapt to any audience. While you collect many acquaintances, you're less likely to develop deep, committed relationships.

What to watch out for: When you can't satisfy your thirst for variety and excitement, you may see yourself as trapped, which can lead to impulsive and self-destructive behavior—drinking, drugs, breaking off relationships, ditching financial responsibilities. Try to find value in some traditions; if you learn to appreciate repetitive experiences, you won't always feel the urge to bust free. And when a new opportunity thrills you, keep in mind that just because it sounds exciting, that doesn't mean it's good for you.

Looking ahead: Life will have meaning for you as long as you feel stimulated. That might mean chasing twisters, exploring the polar ice caps, getting a degree in dance therapy, or becoming an astronaut. It might also mean reading new books, attending workshops, or letting yourself get swept up in an intoxicating romance. As a risk-lover with a lot of energy, you're a natural entrepreneur. You'll be happiest if you change jobs every so often and travel extensively. Movement is what keeps you going.

Find careers that match your striving style.

From the October 2009 issue of O, The Oprah Magazine

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You scored: 18
You are an intellectual: As a leader, you're often ahead of your time. As an employee, you try to surpass the competence level of peers, even managers. Incisive and curious, you're driven to deeply understand how things work. But that's things, not people. Oh, your family and friends are important; it's just that you don't need to spend hours engaging with them. Social validation isn't your goal—you're secure enough in your cerebral pursuits.

What to watch out for: When you can't find a way to be the expert, you may withdraw or simply withhold information, which can make you seem smug or arrogant. If you feel yourself retreating into your own world, seek a friend's help to pull you back. Also balance your cerebral tendencies through physical activities like jogging, hiking, or dance.

Looking ahead: You discover who you are meant to be through accumulating insight and knowledge. So follow your curiosity. Are you drawn to learning Mandarin? Join-ing a philosophy society? Studying and practicing Buddhist meditation? Delving into the complexities of computer programming? Writing a historical book? Pursuits that place you near the leading edge of technology, science, psychology, academia, or business are good bets. But any situation that allows you to work independently with freedom to investigate and innovate will fuel your drive.

Find careers that match your striving style.

From the October 2009 issue of O, The Oprah Magazine

Back to Top

You scored: 14
You are a stabilizer: You are the rock in a storm, the one others lean on. Loyal and com-mitted in your relationships, you maintain a support system of like-minded people whom you look out for. (So what if you do it behind the scenes and don't get credit?) You're careful with money, cherish the familiar, and defend the traditions you care about.

What to watch out for: Rapidly changing environments (like a shaky economy) are very hard for you. As a result of such instability, you can spiral into a state where everything seems catastrophic and you're sure life will only get worse. You can also become overcontrolling, rejecting any suggestion that doesn't conform to your idea of the way things should be. To avoid being too rigid, each month try changing one habit. Exper-iment with clothes, drive a different way to work, initiate conversations about subjects you wouldn't normally discuss. And when the opportunity arises to do something new, avoid the impulse to immediately say no—this may be nerve-racking, but the more you practice, the less anxious you'll feel.

Looking ahead: You find meaning in pursuing safety and certainty. Focusing on family can give you great satisfaction. Also consider planting a vegetable garden, hosting class reunions, volunteering as a lifeguard, teaching at your church or temple. In the work arena, look for positions where you're responsible for others, and for making sure everyone is following the rules. You work well in any environment that is stable and consistent. Careers in government, finance, the military, law enforcement, and product manufacturing are strong options for you.

Find careers that match your striving style.

From the October 2009 issue of O, The Oprah Magazine

Back to Top

You scored: 20
You are a leader: You approach everything as though you were born to be in charge. Confident, assertive, and decisive, you know what you want and you go after it. You also look out for family, friends, and community—you feel you know what's best for them—and have no fear of confronting anyone who challenges your ideas. Taking the driver's seat, you also generously donate time and energy to people and neighborhood projects.

What to watch out for: When you feel threatened, or others refuse to go along with your agenda, you can become confrontational and domineering, sometimes to the point of being dictatorial. Practice letting someone else take charge on occasion. Also try meditation; it can help you be-come more aware of your controlling impulses and ease the anxiety that may be provoking them.

Looking ahead: You discover your purpose when you take control of your environment. For you, finding a decision-making role is key. That could mean anything from producing a play to spearheading a global campaign for something you care about. In work, you're suited for leadership positions in education, government, industry, finance, religious institutions, or politics. But you can find satisfaction anytime you're given the autonomy to do things your own way.

Find careers that match your striving style.

From the October 2009 issue of O, The Oprah Magazine

Saturday, October 29, 2011

Gabrielle !

Gabrielle ~ Give Me A Little More Time

Gabrielle ~ I Wish

Gabrielle ~ Every Little Teardrop

Friday, October 28, 2011

Poem: I Am Down, But I Will Rise Again

I am down.

And that is okay.

I may be down for a while,

But I will rise again.

And when I rise,

I will rise higher

Than I’ve gone before,

I will be stronger

Than I’ve been before.

I will thrive.

I am down.

And that is okay.

I may be down for a while,

And not want to move forward.

But though it may be slowly,

I will move forward

To a better place

Than I was before.

The journey gets brighter

Ahead of me.

I am down.

And that is okay.

I may be down for a while.

But I will again rise.

And when I rise

I will rise higher

Than I’ve gone before,

And I will be stronger

Than I’ve been before.

There is great hope.

There is great love.

They are mine.

I will again fly free.

P.S. I borrowed this poem from a site, while browsing for inspiration. I hope it does lift up you spirit, as it does mine.

Yours Truly,
Princess Matahari

Saturday, October 22, 2011

It's The Old Familiar Song

Boyz II Men ~ First Love

What a beautiful saturday morning.....for someone so so far're always be with me no matter where i go....

Saturday, September 10, 2011

The One Recovering...Almost!

Good or rather Beautiful Morning all :D

I was at a friend's Eid open house last night. As much as i hate to be in a big crowd, i survived last night's open house.

It took me a pair of Fake lashes, heavily smokeyed eyes, a box of Marlboro light, 2 helping of dinner and a plate of varieties layered cakes and some other traditional Eid's pastries....

Resulting of feeling really sick afterwards, :p but seriously....i'm just being me nothing more and nothing less. None the less, I survived! I didn't have to make up fake conversation, i just need to entertained my growling tummy and say hi and bye to the host and hostess :) 

Could this be a new beginning for me to A NEW Me? Against my own fear of being in public? Let's find out...:D

Yours Truly,

Matahari with Fake lashes- Unleashed! LOL

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Sunday, September 4, 2011

Late Sunday Poetry

Dear Me,
For no reason today, 
I felt homesick to something or could it be someone?

Could this be the famous longing?
I don't know..
I feel awfully lonely
The loneliness is so painful
Where no one would be able to hear me even if i scream...

Nothing new about being depressed and helpless
But this? 
I am yet trying to put a name to it

Dear Feeling,
Would you tell me your name?
If i do put the puzzles together..
Will you go away and find your place where you belong?

I am only those temporary shelter
For you to stay
Until you find your way home
Remember my loneliness...
I am not the one for you
Someone deserves you more than i do

A kiss for you my far away land

Tamia (Happy Listening, wherever you are)

Saturday, September 3, 2011

Similar to my last year's Eid Mubarak, this year I get to spent a few hours lunching instead of visiting my friends' houses.. with 2 of my favourite hang-out girls at Little Italy, a local italian restaurant in the centre of Sabah's capital city.

What's new this year? I can tell you my 'baju kurung' outfit which i bought last year (which i haven't use...haaa) and probably my lunch companion (last year was ex colleague from previous work place). Which I'm beginning to think that this could be a new beginning of my very own Eid celebration tradition for me. Instead of wishing for my very own family to complete the traditional gathering picture, i'm certainly very happy that for two years now i'm settled with celebrating a quiet Eid (well let's hope my chinese new year is going to be merrier than my one man show Eid...crossing my fingers ), since i'm the only moslem in my family unit.

Don't get me wrong, i have my other family...relatives, cousins which invited me to visit their family, first day, second day, etc....but being in a crowd of people which i'm not used to and pretending to be interested, is very much like pouring oil into a pile of to speak ;) Excuse my language but seriously, it makes my skin crawl to pretend that i'm really interested in a conversation which i know they're going to ask again and again everytime we many babies you have, where is your husband, etc....duh!

Those were the jackpot questions i try to avoid, because probably other may just put on a fake smile and try to be polite infront of others, afraid that people might judge them for a slight improper reaction...where i on the other hand is a walking time bomb waiting to explode any chance i be honest, i'm not a rude person by nature but i do have my limit and when i say limit, i mean by all means explosive, uncontrollable defense mechanism which until today i tried very hard to master. Well at least i tried :)

Recently as per my other entry from my previous posts....yes a lot of things happen, friends get married, friends trying to patch things up with me or with family, a friend got beaten up by her boy friend, friend's boy friend had stroke, friend about to get divorce, friend discover that he/she got HIV positive, friend got new baby, mom decided to leave me for the probably 1001 times to teach me unlearned lessons( just because she doesn't know what i've been doing to help my other friends who's really in need), my beloved brother (who sometimes get corrupted over some sentimental issues)....etc, yeah all that lead to my own version of "Independent Eid Mubarak" this year.

I was actually planning to have an Eid celebration to bring two friends who've misunderstood each other, because of other people's gossip....two of my most beloved friends or rather one of them is my beloved niece. But probably God have His own plan this year, or probably they're not yet ready for it this year....that's why i think postponing the celebration this year is a wise idea. As i don't want them trying to have a fake conversation which i know how that must have felt for them, or worse come to worst, pulling each other's hair!

My wish is to see them patch things up and try to give each other a chance to understand what really happen and how did it started. I think they deserved a chance to clear their names and to put the whoever culprit behind all these forward and learned their lesson for misleading and for tarnishing other people's good name.

I know i only have two hands, but my two hands i would like to put it to good use, as... if i can only bring one thing to the world, let it be Peace, for those who have been misunderstood and misjudged by others.I know how it felt for trying so hard to be nice and still being treated as trash, for telling the whole truth and still being called a liar and for helping those ungrateful people who'll forget your name or your face soonest somebody from the higher ranking desides that the ungrateful person now belong to their society....and that's the truth, painful but yeah shit happens ( do excuse my french!) .

I may sound like i'm on a holy crusade or something, but trust me... nothing makes me feel really happy than seing the supposedly abandoned good hearted people get what they deserved most in life, a little bit kind of a cinderella story, ( which i got mine justified, thank you Fairy HOT daddy) and now probably this Cinderella can be promoted as the fairy HOT bring peace and love if it's not around the world, at least my surrounding :) Ahhh probably that's why my parents had choosen, Irene, as my first name. Which means Goddess of Peace in greek.

Today is the fifth day of Eid, and i'm listening to Keyshia Cole's, "I remember".... nothing to do with reminiscing the past, just love how the starting point of the song...smooth as butter :)

Have a beautiful 5th Eid Mubarak everyone, Remember (and i'm also reminding myself this) : You are not a soul, you are not a mind, you are not a body. You are the controller of all three. ~ Yogi Bhajan

Yours Truly,
(Goddess of Peace)

1. Yeah yeah, i know i'm always in my denial syndrome mode, but what fun a life could be without friends like me ;) yeah you don't have to say it, I Love You guys too :*

2. for your listening pleasure, an MTV theme song (instrumental) forwarded by a far far away friend in a land where music and movies are like food for the soul...;)

Friday, August 19, 2011

To Whom It May Concerned

Just when I thought :*&%$#&^%$#@@@@@@&**()*&^%$ !!!(Last nite's unspoken words...)

i was gonna write a really nasty blog entry last nite...i swear to God, but when i re-think about the whole idea, the losing person will be me. First of all because i let my emotion ruled my mind instead of me being the one controlling my mind and my emotion.

Recently about a week ago, (i guess i should change my middle name to comotion!!!) a lot of unexplainable (weird and bad) thing happened around me, which automatically affecting my life. Until this minute, i'm still trying to digest and trying to understand what went wrong or how did it happen suddenly.

So after giving it a good thought lastnite, i told myself that probably God wanted me to be tougher and decided to give a heavier challenge for me to face before giving me my best reward :)

At the moment, all i want is a long holiday from everything, if i can i want to take a long holiday from being me. How do you take a long holiday without being yourself? Logically you need your pasport with your picture on and you need your body with your face on to go for a trip, right?

I suddenly feel hungry, no offence to all the moslem out there, I'm just being me since it's my first year of becoming a moslem myself....i just do my best :) for now, i wanna go and myself a nice something to munch, i've got to get some glucose to my brain. To Be Continued.....

Thursday, August 4, 2011

Too Beautiful To Ignore

She jumped up as soon as she saw the surgeon come out of the operating room. She said: 'How is my little boy? Is he going to be all right? When can I see him?'

The surgeon said, 'I'm sorry. We did all we could, but your boy didn't make it.'

Sally said, 'Why do little children get cancer? Doesn't God care any more? Where were you, God, when my son needed you?'

The surgeon asked, 'Would you like some time alone with your son? One of the nurses will be out in a few minutes, before he's transported to the university.'

Sally asked the nurse to stay with her while she said good bye to son.. She ran her fingers lovingly through his thick red curly hair. 'Would you like a lock of his hair?' the nurse asked. Sally nodded yes. The nurse cut a lock of the boy's hair, put it in a plastic bag and handed it to Sal ly.

The mother said, 'It was Jimmy's idea to donate his body to the University for Study. He said it might help somebody else. 'I said no at first, but Jimmy said, ' Mom , I won't be using it after I die. Maybe it will help some other little boy spend one more day with his Mom .' She went on, 'My Jimmy had a heart of gold. Always thinking of someone else. Always wanting to help others if he could.'

Sally walked out of Children's Mercy Hospital for the last time, after spending most of the last six months there. She put the bag with Jimmy's belongings on the seat beside her in the car.

The drive home was difficult. It was even harder to enter the empty house. She carried Jimmy's belongings, and the plastic bag with the lock of his hair to her son's room.

She started placing the model cars and other personal things back in his room exactly where he had always kept them. She lay down across his bed and, hugging his pillow, cried herself to sleep.

It was around midnight when Sally awoke. Lying beside her on the bed was a folded letter. The letter said:

'Dear20Mom ,

I know you're going to miss me; but don't think that I will ever forget you, or stop loving you, just 'cause I'm not around to say 'I Love You'. I will always love you, Mom , even more with each day. Someday we will see each other again. Until then, if you want to adopt a little boy so you won't be so lonely, that's okay with me. He can have my room and old stuff to play with. But, if you decide to get a girl instead, she probably wouldn't like the same things us boys do. You'll have to buy her dolls and stuff girls like, you know.

Don't be s ad thinking about me. This really is a neat place. Grandma and Grandpa met me as soon as I got here and showed me around some, but it will take a long time to see everything. The angels are so cool. I love to watch them fly. And, you know what? Jesus doesn't look like any of his pictures. Yet, when I saw Him, I knew it was Him. Jesus himself took me to see GOD! And guess what, Mom ? I got to sit on God's knee and talk to Him, like I was somebody important. That's when I told Him that I wanted to write you a letter, to tell you good bye and everything. But I already knew that wasn't allowed. Well, you know what Mom ? God handed me some paper and His own personal pen to write you this letter I think Gabriel is the name of the angel who is going to drop this letter off to you. God said for me t o gi ve you the answer to one of the questions you asked Him 'where was He when I needed him?' 'God said He was in the same place with me, as when His son Jesus was on the cross. He was right there, as He always is with all His children.

Oh, by the way, Mom , no one else can see what I've written except you. To everyone else this is just a blank piece of paper. Isn't that cool? I have to give God His pen back now He needs it to write some more names in the Book of Life. Tonight I get to sit at the table with Jesus for supper. I'm sure the food will be great.

Oh, I almost forgot to tell you. I don't hurt anymore the cancer is all gone.. I'm glad because I couldn't stand that pain anymore and God couldn't stand to see me hurt so much, either. That's when He sent The Angel of Mercy to come get me. The Angel said I was a Special Delivery! How about that?

Signed with Love from God, Jesus & Me.

(Let's see Satan stop this one.) Take 60 seconds and re-post this, within the hour, you will have caused a multitude of believers to pray to God for each other. Then sit back and feel the Holy Spirit work in your life for doing what you know God loves 'When you're down to nothing, God is up to something.'

*2 minutes and you will feel the Holy Spirit brightening your life in just an hour.

Friday, July 8, 2011

From where I am....

"Break the big problems into small pieces and deal with them one at a time. And God is very kind, what He gives us is the best for us and He knows that we can handle those problems. The experience will make us stronger mentally, emotionally and spiritually."

From where i'm standing, (Drama Queen Mode...) Others probably would have given up and look for the easiest way out it. Just for today i want to pat my back and tell myself, " You survived all the darkest periods in life, still you stand tall and reach out to those who needs you...."

Just for today, I want to think only about myself, and nothing else matters, for as long as i can't help myself I can't reach out for in order for me to be able to extend my hands for others i would have to make sure i'm taking really good of myself, emotionally, physically and spiritually.

At this point, God had tested me again with new challenges in life and I wouldn't know if i could make it if i wouldn't let myself go thru it and give it my best shot!

I am all ready, God....give me your best the end, I know you test me because you know I can overcome this fear and becomes wiser and stronger, so that i can be the living proof to others that nothing is too impossible as long as we set our mind to it.

Thank you, Lord for you know what's best for me. Amen.

Sunday, July 3, 2011

So Help Me God ....

- Take a second out to think about this: in your life you search and search for the right person for you. Every time you break up with someone you get one step closer to that person. You should look at moving on as getting closer to meeting the one.

- Letting go doesn't mean giving up... it means moving on. It is one of the hardest things a person can do. Starting at birth, we grasp on to anything we can get our hands on, and hold on as if we will cease to exist when we let go. We feel that letting go is giving up, quitting, and that as we all know is cowardly. But as we grow older we are forced to change our way of thinking. We are forced to realize that letting go means accepting things that cannot be. It means maturing and moving on, no matter how hard you have to fight yourself to do so.

- Any change, any loss, does not make us victims. Others can shake you, surprise you, disappoint you, but they can't prevent you from acting, from taking the situation you're presented with and moving on. No matter where you are in life, no matter what your situation, you can always do something. You always have a choice and the choice can be power.

Thursday, May 19, 2011

Kak ...

"The world is round and the place which may seem like the end may also be the beginning. May the road rise up to meet you, may the wind be ever at your back. May the sun shine warm upon your face and the rain fall softly on your fields. And until we meet again, may God hold you in the hollow of his hand. Sleep well Kak, rest in peace...Al Fatihah..."

I wanted so much to pour out tons of heartache & regrets for the departed beloved kakak....since her life chapter have finally signed & sealed by The Almighty, there's nothing much i can say or change to make things less painful for her. All I can do is bury her deep in my heart with all our wonderful memories while she's still breathing.

I am numb at the moment. I kept asking myself of all the cousins and close family, WHY did she choose me to be the first to know about her illness? Could it be she wanted me to learn "how to handle such incident"? Could it be, she wanted me to be braver in life? Could it be she teaching me to love myself more, looking back at what her past experience which she told me in person, first hand?

I really don't know...

All i could do at the moment, is to look back and make some better improvement in my life based on her advice and past life experiences....praying that i will handle my life wiser, especially the health part.

Sleep well Kak, rest in peace...Al Fatihah..

Yours Truly,
"Cloudy" Matahari.

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Forgiveness Vs. Vengeance ?

To be brutally honest, i have been having sleepless night because of a recent incidence.

But after giving it a good thought, i choose living my life happy, healthy and (AMEN) the past, i'd kept tons and tons of grudges resulting many many sleepless nights and heartache and headache. Do i want to be in that kind of life again? I don't think so.... i really like where i am now.

So in the case of Forgiveness Versus Vengeance, Forgiveness 1- Vengeance-0. But do pray really hard for me, as I'm only HUMAN ;)

Yours truly,
Princess Matahari :D

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Today ~ 15th March 2011

I bid adieu to you today not because i love you is because i love myself more.

Everytime i meet a new friend, i ask myself.."Why does God wants me to cross path with this person?"... soon enough, i will find the truth about people and vice versa. Whether i'm wrong or right, ready or not that's besides the point.When it's time for me to part path with them, I ask myself another question, " Did i do well in my role as their friend...what I was meant to do?".

I finally realised, the best relationship that i ever had is with myself, I am my own best friend, i stand up for me regardless what others think.

You can run or find other so called, friend (I'm not here to critic other people, you know what to do)....but the best friend one will ever have is to one's self. Therefore, i embrace my solitude (will correct this soon ;)).... a date with myself!

Yours Truly,
Me & Myself.

Tuesday, March 8, 2011


Just when you think that everything in life seems gloomy and "direction-less" were presented with a few situation which you totally have no what-so-ever clue with or something old which finally resurface from where it was long suddenly came back from the dead (so to speak) with a new perspective in life.

I, for one who's a firm believer in "signs".....;) witness actually quite a number of incident lately...

I found this while browsing my old status from my tweeter
" This princess is in despair, collecting what's left from those broken pieces with head up high, I WAS NOT BUILT TO BREAK! SO HELP ME GOD!!"

Why i wrote it on the first place? Well i can't really recalled, but probably one of those infamous "down to the blues" days....what's new huh ;)

To those who've been with me eversince i started this blog, probably could read me like a book if they see me face to face. Or so they think ;) AHAAAA.....i could be just plain lazy (Genius, yeah right huh.....i would like to think of myself as one....but sometimes i do end up making stupid decision in life...sighhhh) who can be very direct at expressing my feeling.

A curse? To my mom probably yes me, it's my permanent trademark which long before i tried so hard to change...until i begin accepting my true color...loving every bit of me...up to a point where some judgemental individual think of me as VAIN....which i proudly accept...."Well that's me" If i do change, i won't be me anymore :)

I fall in love quickly, got angry in a split second faster than anyone i can remember, being a permanent melancholy especially when i get my "slow theme song" of the day, all sweaty and excited at the site of things which falls under "my fond list".....sighhh, well for short, getting to know me could be a handful...metaphorically speaking ;)

At this very moment, Juwita Suwito's song, Stand is on my "repeat mode" you probably could this post's gonna end huh ;) ....well actually been trying to blog recently but i guess i have been having some "blogger's block" eversince last year.....Just keep your fingers crossed....i might write more than what i'm used to...i said "i might" ;)

I do miss expressing my inner thoughts by placing my tiny finger tips on my laptop therapeutic at times...i hardly noticed the time it's almost quater to 4am....i do hope i get to eat "Tuaran Fried Mee" for breakfast......I give you..Juwita Suwito ~ Stand ;)

Yours Truly,

Princess in Despair

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Valentine's Day?

" Stories you read when you're the right age never quite leave you. You may forget who wrote them or what the story was called. Sometimes you'll forget precisely what happened, but if a story touches you it will stay with you, haunting the place in your mind that you rarely ever visit. "

i stumbled upon the above while i was reading the introduction for a new book i bought recently. A lot happened through out my "missing in action" period. After celebrating my 2011 Valentine's day with that one special person...which got me thinking, another chapter in progress in my life story...

Scary? I would be lying if i say NO. Lets just say... after been missing in action for a very long time, i came back from the dead and doing my very best to live my life to the fullest! Being alive and healthy is the best prayer one can ever asked for. Before i forgot, my resolution this year will be to keep myself healthy or as people put the pink of health! If i did lose weight in the process that'll surely be a big bonus !

Yesterday on the 15th....i can name a number of names which character in my life story make my life worth living for. Some came out suprising to me, where else i thought i could live without them....suprising huh? Actually it took me a while to think on how i would like to start blogging again...

I had a colorful day yesterday but one color that was definately out from my life story chapter was, black. I no longer want to wear black for as long as i live...figuratively speaking ;)

I kind of run out of idea now but i promise to continue writing whenever my ideas flows back in.....for now, i just want to say Happy Valentine's Day to all my friends who stick to me thru my thick and thin years....for loving me as I already am, for not judging me and for accepting me as me, always....and for the 3 most important man in my life...the best is yet to come! To all the ladies, my mom, my girlfriends and favourite aunties, my favourite cousins...not a single day passed with me thinking about your where guys kept me going...Thank You incase i forgot to mention that.

No amount of roses can ever replace YOU from my heart....I "heart" you...always


Yours Truly,
Ameera Matahari

Monday, January 31, 2011

Happy Chinese New Year, anyone?

Hello and belated Happy New Year to all of you out there..... some close friends called me up on why i kinda abandoned my blog lately....nothing really just feeling kinda not being my usual self lately.

Today, was a final blow.... on all these celebration thingy for me, NO MORE! I was bestowed with rather sad request from my cousin who was diagnosed with stage 4 canser... honestly i don't think that she'll live thru this year... she requested for my family to host the first Chinese New Year celebration this year...kinda like she's saying her goodbye to all of us. She requested for all my aunts and uncles to come to my family home back in the kampung for the last time....

I am very sad, in a way that she knows what coming her way and decided to take action ...where else some people ( You know who you are!!!!!!) they don't know what they'll lose until they'll lose it. All i'm asking is to share the responsibility of trasporting some stuff home for the chinese new year preparation....and that also too hard for them to how stupid is that.

I' not asking for them to spend any single dime on the celebration, all i'm asking is to help me with goodies to send it back to the house....these are those things that pisses me off sometimes.... I feel like telling them off and don't bother coming to see me next time....because it won't make any difference....anymore!

What's the point of having a family whom you can't depend on when you needed them the most? Happy Freakin' Chinese New Year everyone!!!!

Yours truly,
Miss Freakin' Sunshine!!!!