March 30th 2010, Back At One. (Especially about that Brian Mcknight hun, you know who you are ;) )

(Previously taken from my unfinished page....written earlier ;))

I almost became a stalker today. :) but i would like to think of it as SPY on a mission.

I have tasted that kind of life not so long ago, where the guy that i dated sent his army of spies all over the place...imagine this, as i entered Shenanigans ( a local bar ) he will definately know who i'm with, what i'm wearing and what did i drink that night. As this old memories flashes right before my eyes....i said to myself, wait a minute, nobody likes to be spied on.

There and then i decided to go home, rather than following what my heart tells me to do. At this moment, I'm all numb. I feel nothing and i definately not sleepy by the time i'm blogging. I almost posted this on my fb status "Princess : I'm really glad 2 know i can still LOVE. For tht fraction of moment, I really believed i hv another shot at happiness, I did. Altho it was just a GAME for some1 but i really did feel loved. Thank U, for showing me d'difference between a touch of a real man & what not, I'm wiser now. I wish u well :) in evrythin u do. May God b wit u, & grant u d'peace tht u've been waiting for (I'm deeply hurt in ways tht only I can understand) I forgive you..." but then i say to myself....maybe it'll be nicer to make it simple and direct, least it won't hurt anyone :)



(TODAY)
I just came back from where it all started. Tanjung Aru.....

Everytime, i wanna start or end something, it have to be near the water...why? It still a mystery to me until today. I'm as puzzled as you guys, when water washes all the dirt away, it soothes me in ways only i know. it nourishes every cells in my system even by the sound of the water...even when time of mourning, anywhere near the water will be perfect for me. :)

As in today, the supposedly Love of My Life Episode was signed or clocked closed nearby the beach....where mutual understanding was sealed. After this, i don't know really what's gonna happen between us. I just hope for the best to both of us, as we do really need a lot of healing therapy, emotionally.

This is what i put as soon as i reached home after that dinner:



1."Water will make everything clean again, cry if u must ..let it out and let the Universe hear you, for what u've sent out, ur longing and prayer will be answered"



As i was refering to what happen to me earlier time of the day, as tears out pouring sessions (hahaaa) and i finally felt relief because i finally feel my heart beat again, after being numb almost a week because of some past issues of someone dear to me. After that i had a good chat with my close friends and even managed to celebrate my YSL moments (AGAIN!!! BAHAHAAAAAAAAAAA) incase you don't know what i meant by YSL, the term people use refering to Young, Single and Lonely ( originated from that luxury brand, Yves Saint Lauren) but i would like my own version of it though: Young, Single and Luscious ;) nice eh heeeeeeeeeee



2. "Be thankful for whatever that is coming your way, if you look closer and deeper to it, it's actually making way for something big coming our way. Watch and learn how to laugh about it no matter how silly it turn out to be! Thru time, when we look back at it, it's all about unveiling the truth about life and the people in it...Live well, Love much, Laugh often!"

That's the thing about me stressing thing about truth and honesty, i may sound like a preacher..altho i of course don't want to admit it sometimes ( i can be annoying, don't say i didnt warned you hahaa) but if its for the good of human kind, why not eh?



A new friend today stressing out to me that, he sees me as a Leader, which i don't think suits my character. Well yeah, i can be very rebellious at times (especially when things don't go my way) , i can be demanding (when my needs are taken for granted for), i can be a little bossy (when it comes to doing things my way, of course with my own reasons) but how can you really tell that person have these so called leadership quality? (Dang, another question to be solved!!!!)



Ok...maybe not in politic bro (that's what i called him on FB!) but yeah it'll be in different line...hmmmmm, say Psycology :) seems like everybody need one now adays....for that i mean, me ;) BAH HAPPY EASTER EVERYONE!!! I'm going to church! Always think of me this way....

Jordan Hill ~ Remember Me This Way

Something on Saturday, All by Myself....

I can't believe what i just heard
Could it be true
Are you the girl I thought I knew
The one who promised me her love
Where did it go
Does anybody ever know

Chorus:
How do you heal a broken heart
That feels like it will never beat this much again
Oh no
I just can't let go
How do you heal a broken heart
That feels like it will never love this much again
Oh no
Tonight I'll hold what could be right
Tomorrow I'll pretend to let you go

And were you ever what you seemed
Or was I a fool who fell in love
With his own dream
And now you say you want to leave
Start a new life today
Those words I thought you'd never say

Chorus:
Tonight I'll hold what could be right
Tomorrow I'll pretend to
Wake and put it all behind me
And find that I have finally found

A new life
In my soul
And find that I know how to let you go
You go

Chorus:
Tonight I'll hold what could be right
Tomorrow i'll pretend to
Wake and put it all behind me
And find that I know how to let you go

25th March 2010 - Where I Choose To Be My Inner Light!

As i promised myself a lot of thing in life, one thing that will never ever be compromised will be being the truth, nothing but the truth. I posted this status on my profile earlier this morning "Princess : Being wise is 2 use all d'EXPERIENCE & LESSON LEARNED from d'past, NOT D'HURTFUL PART OF IT 2 make any decision required in d'PRESENT time & D'FUTURE, WAKE UP.. see things wit an open mind. Life is beautiful if YOU WANT IT TO BE BEAUTIFUL, anything lesser than tht is NOT ACCEPTABLE. I choose to b happy for as long as i'm alive! If you hv problem wit that, then i'm not d'right person for U =) " Simple and very easy to understand.

I see people jumping from one relationship to another, and by that...it includes me. I try to understand every mechanism of the whole situation.....finally i understand it! They try to seek something to replace the empty feeling and trying to find an easy fix for being miserable or the feeling of loneliness (altho some of them are already married, and when the other half didn't seem to understand them) they seek shelter somewhere. Period.

Wether or not this explanation suits you, it's immaterial...because this is what i understood from the whole experience. Rather than solving the issue, some decides to "swept the dirt under carpet" and opt for a feel good factor. Leaving things hanging will never solve the real problem. After a while after they realised that actually the root of all the problem was actually a thing called, tender loving care....it's too late to undo the damaged caused by self indulgence or selfishness. Then all hell break loose!

Tender loving care doesn't mean that someone have to be there to dine or wine or even care for you to make you feel special...you need to do the ground work yourself. Find out what makes you happy, be it as small as feeling contend with looking at the early sunrise, or taking photos that makes you see life from others persfective and feel, this is what matters....or even seing a smile from a homeless person by the road side after you hand them $ 1. The bigger picture of life rather than the small petty stuff....which is not worth to even giving it a second thought! Now that is what i called happiness. The things that makes you feel, this is what i'm here for, my purpose in life!

From where i'm typing all these, i'm very very content with who i am, what i have and how i see life. Nothing in this world will make change my mind about this...as i have no regrets from now. To live is to enjoy every second of what happen to you, be it happy or sad...if it's sad that makes you feel uneasy..remember this, there's a lesson to be learned thru it and it's supposed to make you wiser...to understand life in a deeper level than what you already know. I would like to lable it as "An enhancement Course" which nobody will excape!

Today I'm wiser and stronger than what i'm used to be...."Vive bene, spesso l'amore, di risata molto" in italian means "Live well, love much, laugh often" and I intend to keep my Matahari's nom de plume with me for the rest of my life....NOTHING LESS THAN TO SHINE SO BRIGHT until you even forgotten that every 6pm on wards till 5.30am you were actually lived or were in the dark....To SHINE where I belonged!

Raised your glass and repeat after me ;) May there'll be light where ever you go and may there'll be inner happiness to those who seek for one if they are willing to change for the better....AMEN

The One With Annoying Issues..

As i was progressing into this new journey in my life at the moment...i noticed there's still old issues that i havent properly handle...



Emotionally Fragile, was the term some of my closest friends labelled me. Hmmm...when i think about it, i do have my ups and downs moment in life, be it work, relationship etc...everyone does....but it's unfair for me since i never labelled them that way, as i believe all of us do have our "Emotionally Fragile" moments.

Maybe it's a pure expression to some when they can't seem to find the perfect word for it...but it's ok i'm gonna leave it as it is...when the time comes...i'll let them see how to deal with the "Emotionally Fragile" temrs..for now i have a mission to do with the annoying term.

Earlier on, i was the joint where most of the spare time i have i hang out there with my closest friends. I was with Uncle B discussing over a few issues of him and his beliefs and mostly about life, especially our favourite topic of the day : we are we at the moment issue.

He made a few good comments about where i am at this moment and he's right about it. I'm actually still on rebound stage where i suddenly feels....suffocated of my current condition. I just got out of a long term relationship recently and already put one foot in a new one. But the difference this time is....i'm gonna take it slow...no more hasty decisions....i promise myself...i'll make whatever decision to make when i feel it's the right thing to do. I'm not gonna let other people run my life this time. Sink or swim it's gonna be my boat all the way, i feel much more alive when i'm the captain of the ship.

So to those who doesn't wanna be my crew....feel free to evacuate the seat as you're in for a roller coaster ride! First i have to make sure my shops, that's my babies now grow slowly and steady to the direction that i've set my eyes at. I build it from scratch and like i said, sink or swim....it's all up to me. Relationship wise? I like what i see so far....i just wish he could be more open about himself, so that i can also go in with my eyes open so to speak....Nothing in this world that is so frightening, except afraid to try or make the first step....and that i intend to make the best of every first step i make, and you my dearest friends and readers will be my mirrors as i am yours.... :) Sweet dreams all.....i'm gonna recharged my "life battery" for tomorrow for every baby steps and first step i make....and God please guide me to always stay on the right track....as i have a purpose to live for and it's worth to die for....

The One With From This Moment On ;)

End with the old....and start a new chapter... YAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY =)

6th March 2010

I only have eyes for you. Go and strive.... be the best of who you can be, and i'll have only one thing to say...i'm proud of you hun...because you make me the proudest lady on your side....

(previously....taken from "My Own Wedding Song")
"In the eyes of the beholder...as long as the other half is "beautifully perfect" in their own defination...and by this, including all the past, present, future...if they can accept me as i am...nothing less than i'm already is... all i can say is let's explore our whole life TOGETHER...and make the alphabet U and I closer by always telling each other the truth even how painful it may sound...because the only thing that i can promise you...my future "other half" are :

1. Not to ALWAYS cook for you....but to dine with you everytime i have the opportunity to do so....

2. Not to ALWAYS clean for you...but to share clean shirt with you everytime you ran out of clean shirt (heeeeeeee, but seriously)

3. Not to ALWAYS make love with you (ermmm...altho preferrably ehemm..)...but to steal a few naugthy kisses at you everytime you're busy with whatever it is that you're doing and you failed to noticed me around the room (heeeeeeeee)

4. Not to ALWAYS obey your instruction...but to give you a long list of chores...of which i forgotten to do earlier...(well i think marriage is a 50-50 effort from both side to make things work...a team effort!!) So that our future home can be always neat and tidy, i can't be the person who collect the socks or boxer you mis-aimed when throwing it to the laundry basket...ala basketball!!

5. TO ALWAYS love you ....just the way you are, my beautiful "imperfect" other half =)

Yours Truly, ALWAYS

MATAHARI mu =)

March 2nd, 2010

Well...let time tell...I'm here :)