That is what learning is. You suddenly understand something you have understood all your life, but in a whole new persfective. I finally woke up from my longest "sleep" recently, and begun to see my existence in the universe. I maybe choose a different approach or path in life that one can never imagine, but I do it out of the betterment of me and those who touched my life.
The thing about life is, you can only be your true self when there’s nothing else to lose. A constant reminder as i am a firm believer of where you have given your best shot at things and you are ready to face whatever consequenses that is coming your way. No regrets!
In the case of sink or swim, you only have one shot at things and there is no turning back. I was once that person about 7 years back....where i decided to burned my ship (so to speak..) and make a big jump. Little that i know, I will have to do the same thing after what i have sacrificed that day. Which brings us to, Nothing is more permanent than changes.
Every decision that you make, will bring other consequences. Which sometimes requires a lot of energy and time, in order to make another decision to either rectify what has been done or to move forward after that, and pick up what is left of oneself's.
What is it about decision that makes us act the way we do? Whatever in the past, mold our present way of thinking and shaped the Person we are destined to be in the future. That is exactly why i always mentioned that; Only I, hold the key to my destiny and only if I choose to be, not because others expect me to be.
Inspired, Yes, for today. Anyone can give up, it is the easiest thing in the world to do. But to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart, that's true strength.
Courage is the discovery that you may not win, and trying when you know you can lose. It doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, "I will try again tomorrow. There are no failures - just experiences and your reactions to them.
For at the end of the day, i tell myself..."Irene, enough for today, go home and sleep, continue the rest tomorrow , for a cloudy mind won’t help you make any good decision".
My life is like a white canvas. My past, my presents and my future are colours on it that makes my existence comes to life.
MATAHARI to me, is not just as someone refers to it as Nom de Plume but, as a being that like the ray that shines and reach out to those who need warmth in their lives as I need the others, to make my DAY. I am doing my best to be the best version of myself and a good human being as i can. So guide me, be a my mirror as i am yours.
Yours truly, Matahari.
“No pain, no palm; no thorns, no throne; no gall, no glory; no cross, no crown”.
The Question was : Were you named after someone? Let's go down memory lane about a year a go when i was 34 ;) ....1, 2, 3 here goes....
Ahhhh Finally!
1. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE? - Yes, Irene Curie. Curious? Goggle it! heheee ( My name means, Goddess of Peace...) but how come i'm rebellious leh ? The middle name (the real one, means Beloved )
2. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED? - Exactly..morning of 25th Jan 2009
3. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING? - What's not to like about your own handwriting? ;)
4. WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE LUNCH MEAT? - This is a jackpot question, LAMB! Definately LAMB...beef is tasteless ;p
5. DO YOU HAVE KIDS? - Nope
6. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU? - Definately! No doubt ;) u're lucky to be my friends u know heheee...otherwise i'll bully ya! bahahahah
7. DO YOU USE SARCASM? - Yes, especially if i have to deal with ignorant people, to be exact slow, square minded and irritating people! Ishhh
8. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS? - Of course, unless...if i have major concussion, memory lapse or amnesia which i don't even know, you think?
9. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP? - Hell Yeah! Bring it ON babe! Wanna join me taking flying lesson ;) ?
10. WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE CEREAL? - CoCo Crunch and Kellog's Corn Flake with a teaspoon of honey or brown sugar and fat free sweetcorn flavoured milk! YUMMMMMMM
11. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF? - I wear kitten or wedges most of the time, go figure!
12. WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE ICE CREAM? - Ahhh another jackpot question, my only answer will be that divine real Pistachio ice cream...(drooling heheee)
13. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE? - Definately their eyes and lines around the eye corner bahahahahha...love to see how they react when teased too ;) hehee
14. RED OR PINK? - Red indeed ;)
15. WHAT IS YOUR LEAST FAVOURITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF? - My temper ! It goes up from 0 to 100 within less than a second especially if i'm really hungry....blame it on glucose! bihihiii...
16. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST? - A man whom i never really get the chance to really get to know him in person, like other kids do with their fathers...
17. DO YOU WANT EVERYONE TO COMPLETE THIS LIST? - Yes, if they answer it in details in their own way but no, if they're not serious about completing it.
18. WHAT COLOUR OF PANTS AND SHOES ARE YOU WEARING? - Pants mostly khakis, white & black, but i'm using none now heheeee...what? I'm supposed to be sleeping! Shoes...i'm a shoe fetish! If i like a design i normally buy it in different colours, for now barefoot....i'm at home leh :p
19. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW? - Rahsaan Patterson "Stop Breaking My Heart" over and over again...LOL p/s: Adam, thanks for the cds ;)
20. IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOUR WOULD YOU BE? - A crayon that colours "outside the line" quoted from Sex & The City the movie.. ;) ,p/s: watch it if you wanna know what it means :p
21. FAVOURITE SMELLS? - BLV (by Bulgari), Chance (by Chanel), Funny! (by Moschino), all time favourite...London (by Burberry) A heck..i love perfumes! And definately peppermint....it soothes my nerve hehee
22. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE? - Manja, my best friend. We planned to have one SIN DAY once in a week, for our favourite junk food! This coming saturday, our Sin Day will be at Mc Donald!!! Here we come!!!!!!
23. DO YOU LIKE THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS TO YOU? - Who? I nicked it from a friend's website! Baahahhaha
24. FAVOURITE SPORTS TO WATCH? - Basketball, tennis, boxing and the list grows.....hehee
25. HAIR COLOUR? - Black. i like to think its black...but recently, my makcik / my maid...pulled a few white ones...NOOOOOO, i'm still 17 at heart!!!!! NOOOOOOOO
26. EYE COLOUR? - Dark Brown
27. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS? - Use to, now i'm contacts-free..thanks to lasik!
28. FAVOURITE FOOD? Definately Turkish, Greek, Italian, Japanese, Chinese, local delicacy.....and the list continue hehee
29. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS? - Love happy endings movie, I'm an optimist ;)
30. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED? - The Boleyn sumthing, can't recall but it was quite historic.
31. WHAT COLOUR OF SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING? - At the moment, white..i have a lot of white ;)
32. SUMMER OR WINTER? - Summer, i can't stand cold weather...i get moody!"down to the blues syndrome" hehee
33. HUGS OR KISSES? - Both, hugs can make you feel secure ONLY if the person you're hugging with gives you a warm and long hugs....kisses, i love all kind of kisses except kissing ass! BAAHHAHAHA
34. FAVOURITE DESSERT? - Dark Chocolate Brownie....YUMMMMMM
35. MOST LIKELY TO RESPOND? - if they know that they're my close friends...(u know who u are!)esp..those tagged people, u better...hehe
36. LEAST LIKELY TO RESPOND? - those "uninvited" busybody ;) (u know who u are ;) )
37. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING? - Tons of it, I'm a bookworm...mostly self help book, motivational, novels...etc..come to my house and see for yourself! Hey, i love Paulo Coelho, Jeffery Archer, John Grisham and Jonathan Keller!!! And that Harry Potter billionaire writer ;) dont wanna advertise her...she's damn rich already! :p
38. WHAT IS ON YOUR MOUSE PAD? - My finger? heheeee...i use laptop so no mouse wotsoever!
39. WHAT DID YOU WATCH ON TV LAST NIGHT? - Use to be a tv addict...now hardly since i started my new business venture...Does YouTube counts? Addicted<<< bahahha
40. FAVOURITE SOUND(S)? - Water dripping from fountain ....slow rain drops, the sea....ahhhh divine...
41. ROLLING STONES OR BEATLES? - Both I love both...can't live without music! I know of one Beatles fan who convert to slow tunes after midnite ;p heheee ( u know who u are ;) )
42. WHAT IS THE FURTHEST YOU HAVE BEEN FROM HOME? - Europe, Holland (Amsterdam, Rotterdam, Vaals, Spikenisse...etc), Belgium (Oostende) and Italy (Rome & Vatican City)
43. DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT? - I have very strong instinct, in fact i know what you did last summer! A-haaaaaa got cha! Does counting tiles counts? ;p
44. WHERE WERE YOU BORN? - Tawau, on my mum's maternity bed!
45. WHOSE ANSWERS ARE YOU LOOKING FORWARD TO GETTING BACK? - Whom ever i can get hold of ;) and make it fast! Pronto heheee ( what? Hitler was my mentor! )
p/s: a lot more people i wanna tag but they hardly open their fb...so people good luck ;) those have written their notes earlier, this is my response heheee.....sorry for the delay ;)
Walla! To finally have a few good hours sleep after a cranky sleeping pattern, i woke up fresh!
I was driving my mum and myself to the market today, at about 4 am...thinking to myself when do i ever gonna have a normal life with my sleeping pattern this way? The minute everybody starts going out from their house to go to work, i for one go to bed. By the time they finished work, life just begin for me for the day.
Well to date, i managed to beat the sleeping pills part...but i wanna be able to sleep like anyone else for once in my life...it cost me my health and my life...when will this stop? Honestly, i don't know.
For once, i would like to go to bed at 9pm or maybe 10pm or maybe 11pm the latest and get a really good at least 5 hours sleep....everyday i woke up feeling sluggish and noticing the sign of aging is all over my face and body...i want to be normal. I really do.
I woke up just now having feeling a little disoriented, as my usual result of having "daymares" ( nightmares, but since it was this afternoon then i took the liberty to change it bahahaaa)....i just want to be normal like anybody else.
Well, i have to go to fetch my mo from the kopitiam in a while, i'll see u guys tonite...if i'm in my "vampire mode" again.... mwahhhh
I'm running out of idea here, Not about what to write but i really miss my CAR!!
Eversince mummy hijacked my car, i'm left with on my two feet, and it's saturday! My supposedly designated driver has gone MIA again, probabbly snoring her heart out heee, i guessed that master feng shui was right about me...i'm a chariot, i decide where i go, not wait for others to show me the way nor to fetch me, tsk tsk tsk.....how true ;)
I guess a van will be on my chrismas list this year, for mummy NOT me, as i really love my car. I have been driving it for pheww...10 years now and still it's in excellent condition, fully paid :D
I remembered the time when i first saw it, man... it was love at first sight bahahaaaa....i couldn't sleep for few days, thinking about it...saying to myself, I MUST HAVE IT! NO MATTER WHAT!
Then after i couldn't bear it any longer, i took my ex fiance to the showroom and pointed it to him, THIS IS WHAT I WANT! No words can describe how bad i wanted that car that time. It was like we're destined to be together hehe...my "soulmate" bahahaaaa...seriously!
Have you guys ever felt this...where you couldn't sleep because of having ur mind preoccupied with missing someone, that's what happened ;) Call me crazy, that's how i felt about something or someone i really liked. Yeah, my infamous crush....remember the story i told you guys about my first crush with "Omar Sharif"? Something like that...
Weird eh? But that's just who i am, a ittle eccentric on the side ;) Ohh...i totally forgotten to thanked Big B and her mom for bringing me my favourite soft shell crab! Yayyyyyy...which reminds me, i have to go and reheat it in the oven...because i'm hungry now :) i'll see you guys tomorrow perhaps ;) and P.S. Miz Guzdur if you're reading this ( i know you do.... sneaky hehe) Bon Voyage for tomorrow ;) Sweet dreams :D
At this very exact moment, my earphone screaming "You'll have to cry me out" (well ok, that's the chorus lyrics of my current REPEAT MODE song...don't ask me how long it's been on repeat..i lost track myself hehe)
I guessed July's never really a happy month for me, but for some reason i don't feel as sad and scared as i used to be. Could it be...a turning point? Perhaps new life circle? I don't know, but what i do know now... i smoke less, i can sleep more than 3 hours, i no longer need antibiotics since early July until today, i'm in contact with some of my old coursemates, my old schoolmates, i have less grey hair (bad antibiotics!!!), i've watch about 30 dvds, i read my past issues of my abandoned magazines, some new books (motivationals mostly and some novels yayyyyyy), i get my other best friend (another ex schoolmates) to finally agree with me to make a small step of beautifying herself (her infamous eyebrows!!!), i finally tell the truth about another best friend of mine about her loved ones (which was a little chaotic at that time, but all is good now...trust me!)
P.S. Sorry love, to put u guys in such a difficult moment but I'm not sorry for telling u the truth and being a real friend.)
Ok, i think i stopped breathing there for a while....continue ~ hehe...Did i mentioned that 10 days from now, it's gonna be 14th years my father's passing annyversary? It's hard to finally say goodbye to my "waiting by the staircase with my favourite book" denial moment. My infamous denial syndrome which have been with me most of my childhood years thru my teen years and finally now....A big relief? Yes and No, to be honest.
A new friend whom i met in FB yesterday told me about his "rain moment" and hey, i'm not the only one at last! When he mentioned about how the rain reminds him about Lady D's passing, his childhood and his (well i assume...old flame) Miss Ex collegemate ...i wondered, are there anymore out there suffering from this "rain syndrome"? Could it be just because of the weather or because it's hard for us to let go of something so painful which took place during this weather?
It's a blessing really that this year we experience dry early of the year followed by very wet and humid mid year. Or else i won't be able to be face to face with my most feared weather...as they say, practice makes purrrfect!
Eversince the rainy season started, i've been at home most of the time, leaving my kopitiam in the mercy of my mom ( please God, don't let my staff chicken out when they have to face the wrath of her bahahaha) where i've been sick because lack of rest (don't get me wrong, the kopitiam's not that busy...it's my mind that can't shut down sometimes...) planning and contemplating about pros and cons regarding something which i need to do.
There were times, where i totally shut myself out from the rest of the world (this includes, the curtains, doors, handphones, newspapers etc...) for me to keep my mind blank even for an hour. If i'm not mistaken, this is pure schizophrenia! Bahahaaa.... After doing some research of which catagory does i fall under, out of 5 (Paranoid, Disorganized, Catatonic/Mood disorders, Undifferenciated and Residual) I think mine will be under my own catagory.....so to speak ;)
i'm exaggerating again innit ;) , told ya! Anyway.... Miss BigB dropped by earlier, had a chat about what happen recently, where i almost destroyed her love life for telling her about the truth about what i think of her beau. Never ever asked me about my opinion if you guys can't handle the truth, my word of advise! When people warned you guys about how lethal and dangerous my words and my thoughts can be, you better believe it.
I believe in NOT sparing any single details if it means that the person can put every puzzles into places, to help the person spare him/herself from agony. So be careful...be very careful...hehe.
I suddenly feel very tired and my mind is blank and light (in a good way..tho) I guessed, that's a good sign for me to take an hour or so rest then maybe who knows, i might write again later.
Yeah i know some of u miss hearing my nonsenses, but this princess need her "Sleeping beauty moment" ...i'll leave u guys with my REPEAT MODE SONG ( I have been looking for this song eversince i heard it 29th may when i was in KL, finally i found it when i was half as sleep on my sofa at home over the TV.....I tot i was dreaming!!!!!).....Pixie Lott ;) ~ "Cry Me Out"...have a beautiful rainy saturday people....P.S. Princess singing " You'll have to cry me out ~" suddenly i need a good hug...sighhhhh ......Bon jour, Mon cheri!
Happy Birthday Mom! Was with my family on the July, 5th... celebrating my mom's birthday. It was a small dinner with my brother, makcik, my mom, Mr Yazz, San- san and me. At first i wanted to do a barbeque dinner at home, but when i think of the smokey house plus the amount of works preparing for food and etc...nah forget it..hehee i know i'm a bad daughter, always have, always been!!!! In a way, i'm glad because since the last big fall out with my mom...things have been progressing...in a good way that is, slowly i think she's strying to win me back...just on my part i'm a bit sceptical on what's the real reason behind all this being nice all of a sudden but....it's ok we'll see how it goes. At this moment, i just wanna drop everything on my shoulder and take a long break from the shop....calm myself down, don't wanna think about anything except myself....for this time, i just wanna be selfish. I wanna make myself ready, really relax nothing what so ever can take this time....just for me. i am constantly having headache and being sick lately...so i'll have to be in charge with my health this time, be it mentally or physically...i wanna live longer, happy, healthy and most of all living well...not for show to those "people" but for me. For now, i just want to let things out from my chest that, there are some "people" i blocked from certain features on my facebook recently as i honestly think that no use of keeping them as my FB "friend's list" as it serve no purpose to me. I define purpose here as, seing their face on my FB list felt like a pain on my neck (yeah i'm a bit wiser now on choosing my choice of word....i should have make it a little more rude but that's not me.) Well to that lucky "people" you know who you are... I wasn't on my FB mood recently after my favourite team lost, sighhh Argentina....what can i say....except, Gather all your strength ARGENTINA....until the next World Cup!!! An ex boyfriend of a very close friend, blocked me off FB. I come to realised about it when i was about to reply his email in my FB inbox. Well just to be fair....I BLOCKED him too....so there, nice life to you, goodbye ;) This is what i mean by, "you're just a delete away" bahahaaaaaa....Welcome to my world !!! I know, this is the mean side of me, but i actually don't care, see me or love me for who I am, not only when i'm being nice...this is reality and I'm not proud of what i did, but at least now you guys know that i'm NO SAINT. I do have my "evil moments"...and this is one of it......hah! I would love to be nice all the time, but the one person i can't never dissapoint or lie to is me...to please me very simple....just be yourself, never ever try to be someone you're not. And i really hate fake people...i repeat, i hate fake people, those who always to please people but at the back....different story. That i can't never tolerate. I guessed i come to a point where nothing else matter, except pleasing myself, my case that is. Just being grumpy lately..when things don't go my way. I really want a house but the owner refused to sign the sales and purchase agreement, so resulting to all these.....so lesson of the day, when things don't go Irene's way....stay far far away....BAHAHAHHAH...better still RUN!!!! Hmm...the best relationship i have so far will be with myself, where if i do argue with myself...and after i calm down finally....i still managed to laugh at myself then later forgive myself and get on with things.....i don't know do i even bother blogging this all out? Self expression? well that's what this blog is all about...incase you miss the BIG TITLE....sigh....I'm bored guessed i'll better put on that bags of DVD i bought earlier this evening....maybe it'll do me good, before i spoiled someone else's mood :D hugsss people.....do as i say, but don't do what i do ok ;) MWAHHHHH!!! Yours truly, Matahari
Life with me is like riding a roller coaster!
How to describe me?
A Romantic at heart, I value all good virtues,an old fashioned girl at heart.
Doing my best to be the best version of myself and a good human being as i can.
I may not have the virtue or the noblelity,But i have love, And when i love, I love Strongly, Exclusively, Steadfastly...
